Unfortunately, there's a lot of pressure on gay men to be drop-dead gorgeous, with washboard abs, muscles on their muscles, and a toned but that just won't stop.

We have to realize that this is unrealistic. I'm not obese, but I'm far from looking like Channing Tatum. I've realized that it's ok to work on looking better, but it shouldn't get out of hand.

Don't try to look like the people on TV. It's their job to look hot. You can set goals for yourself though. Make them realistic. And remember that your weight is far from being the most important thing about you. One shouldn't let themselves go, but I'd much sooner choose a guy with a few extra pounds over a stunningly handsome bonehead.

You're beautiful.

I 2nd borikenuno... Give me a guy with more to love. Some of the stunningly handsome ones have very empty souls. Keep at it. I'm all for improving appearance in it makes YOU feel better about yourself and living healthy.

Ive struggled with my weight all my adult life. Seems as I get older, I'm putting more value on the aspects of myself I DO like. Sure I have weight loss goals but Fact is I LOVE to eat. Living on rice cakes and lean ground turkey alone leaves me wanting more.

The six pack abs, the "flaming twink" and all of that .... is media's way of distorting our perception of self. If we do not "add" up to this we may feel "less" than and we may feel like we were Jipped in the "beauty" department. What you need to remember is your heart - and what your heart holds is beauty and handsomeness. If you are handsome of heart and not weakened by the media lies - you may eventually learn that "beauty" ain't all that. (Trust me) its SUCH AN EMPHASIS (where I have been and how I have followed) and in the end I am learning all that you can be is the best you that is possible.

@LoveMeBetter Very beautiful words

Given my physical appearance, I can relate to your post. But I strongly agree with all the great replies above.
The perfectly toned bodies are nice to look at, but most of the pictures and ads and such are photoshopped to look that way. Personally, I would prefer someone who has a genuine heart and soul rather than someone who is shallow and caught up in outer appearances.
Best wishes!

ive tried everything and i have a good job and im told mainly by chicks that they wanna ask me out but why dont men do that? i mean am i missing from what you guys posted?

Thanks everyone for the kind words. It so hard because it seems like that's all people consider. So i will just need to rethink the way I view things. Thanks again!!!!

Until the age of 23 I was thin as a rake, then I was diagnosed with Addison's disease and was immediately put on steroids, which made me gain a lot of weight. I felt like everyone was looking at me, but not out of admiration. I live in Tulsa, which has a large gay population, so you'd think among all of those guys there would be someone attracted to me. I felt like no one was. But then I thought about the type of guy that I was attracted to. I'm not attracted to thin or "built" guys. I've always liked guys with a few extra pounds. It took a lot of therapy get over my social anxiety about my appearance. There are a lot of gays that are attracted to a lot of different types, and I think that not a lot admit to being attracted to something other than what America perceives as perfection. You will eventually find someone. It may seem hopeless, but I assure you it's not. I'm sending you hugs and feel-good vibes as I type this.

I can totally relate, I'm not so much over weight but I do hate my body. But I'm working on accepting and liking myself so others can do the same. Baby steps. I'm learning that guys who look like "model studs" usually are as shallow as their percentage of body fat. And who needs that?

Being buff doesn't mean you're automatically shallow. But we have to remember why gay men feel the need to be buff and hot. It's a remnant of the AIDS crisis. Gay men countered the falsity that this was an exclusively gay disease by looking young, attractive, clean-shaved, and overly healthy. This is also where the twink came from.

As gay men, we need to stop making so much of appearance and focus on inner beauty and self-worth.

The thing that I notice the most is that everyone even thinner guys are having the same problem. I notice that alot of guys have problems finding a partner. I'm not looking for someone perfect, or someone who is super intelligent. Just someone who knows how to treat me with respect. Its just hard because it seems live everyone is partnered up.

Hello dsb,

I have heard this same lament a million times from men that are actually looking for a relationship that isn't centered on the bedroom. It is a common frustration because the predominant mentality of a lot of (not all) gays is to equate sex with love. Those kinds of relationship tend to be short-lived and are often more damaging then ones that start out as friends. The one thing I would suggest is changing the places where you look. You may want to search around for a website that allows live chatting and creation of rooms. It used to be that AOL had chatrooms members created, that you could find about any topic you wanted. I actually met my husband of 13 years in M4MRelationships after I had given up on dating for awhile. I don't know if AOL still has that capability, but if it does, it could be worth checking in to.

There are also dating sites that could offer hope. The main thing to realize is that you need to be as honest about yourself in your profile as possible. I cannot tell you how many men have posted fake pictures, old pictures, or doctored up pictures and said that that is what they look like. If you write your profile with the care and intensity you want to find in your relationships, you will find that it will attract the kind of men you are looking for.

There is rarely an easy way to find someone, so be patient. You will often find someone when you stop looking so hard. When the right man comes along, if your profile is accurate, you at least have a leg up. Keep on trying and it will happen for you when you least expect it.

I can only say that I am an expert on this topic, being fat and gay and old.o I have all the things the skinny 0nes dispise.
You don't want to be like those skinny boring guys that pride themselves on being the ideal gay.
Well they are not.
Don;t attempt to become like the others. Be the man you are and accept the simple fact that you are a unique individual, proud but not boastful.

The only person who can really determine if your weight is unhealthy is your doctor. There does seem to be a shortage of men who capable of true, selfless love. I certainly don't mind looking at guys who have great bodies, but if I want someone I can depend on, he needs to be a little more. A relationship is much different than a "hook-up."

Hello everyone,
After an absence of some months I am finally back - healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually - plus a damn sight fitter.

Ok, if you don't know me, check out my previous posts. I'm a 48 years young Aussie bear now living in Brisbane, having moved down from rural Queensland. Gotta LOVE that name QUEENSland... huh?

I've viewed the posts:- I agree with you all. I used to 'buy into' the "WHY WON'T THEY LOVE ME FOR ME?"

Dude, do you love yourself?

If you don't love yourself, why should they love you?
How do you LOVE yourself - start with - NOT YOUR BODY - but WITH YOUR THINKING - say to yourself - as I say to myself regularly:- "I CHOOSE TO THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS"

Every time you have a negative thought come near your simply SMILE - and say - "I choose to think POSITIVE thoughts."

Sounds glib huh? But it works - this is only just the beginning though... its all about Neuro Linguist Programming - NLP
Google it - see what it says - take an online course - its about being aware of our thoughts...

How many times have you said or thought to yourself:

"I'LL BE HAPPY WHEN..." whatever happens...
Did you know that you are simply limiting your happiness - your subconscious hears your thoughts and gives you what you are thinking about. As Buddha said: "WITH OUR THOUGHTS WE MAKE THE WORLD."
Not that I am a Buddhist - I just loved watching "Monkey Magic" on TV when I was a kid, plus one of my web design clients is a Buddhist Sanctuary in Hervey Bay.

Now, lets look at your body - no, don't groan - well, not in a bad way anyway, honey.. ;)

How much water do you drink?

Come on, its a simple enough question. And I don't mean tea, coffee, hot chocolate, energy drinks, diet cordials etc.
How much WATER do you drink?

I used to drink a lot of diet cordial because I couldn't stand the blandness of water - so what I did was added a little bit of lemon juice and some ice cubes. Viola - a cocktail.

I drink at least two litres of water a day. (I won't tell you the exact amount because everyone will say it is far too much - but I problems requiring me to keep my bladder flushed out and urine diluted)

WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS ABOUT WATER?
Water helps the cells of the body be more plump and able to dispose of any toxins, thus helping the body be healthier.
I'm sorry, it is as simple as that.
If you drink lots of alcohol you dehydrate your body - the opposite of what you need.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF?
Okay, that is a minefield. EVERYONE has a past - everyone was a child once - everyone was bullied at least once in our lives.

IF WE DWELL ON THE PAST WE GIVE THOSE BASTARDS POWER OVER US THEY DON'T DESERVE
The past has no mystical power - it is simply something we went thought - and we are here now. I am not a psychologist - if I was I would probably have been more screwed up than I was before I got on the correct road to recovery.. ;)

I don't know what happened in your past - and quite frankly I don't need nor, with all due respect, nor do I WANT to know. I have my own issues - this is NOT a pissing contest about who had the worse off life.

FOOD - I FUCKIN' LOVE FOOD!!!
I love food so much!
I love food so much I eat food at least three times a day.
In fact I love food so much I have food in my fridge AND my freezer AND in my cupboards... get my drift... it isn't a bad thing to EAT... for Pete's sake, In Australia we believe the following is true:

*** If you don't eat you don't s**t and if you didn't s**t we'd die. ***
Right?

This is also where drinking enough water is so very important with the digestion - if you aren't going to the restroom (that's what you Yanks call it, yeah?) how on earth are you going to get rid of the toxins so the goodness and nutrients get into the cells to rebuild your muscles and brain and stuff???

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT
I won't even go into this. There is heaps out there on eating patterns - plus I don't know if you need Halal or Kosher food, whether you are Vegan or Vegetarian, diabetic, lactose intolerant etc etc. I suggest you see a GOOD Dietitian for guidance or at least check the internet.
Rule of thumb: no or very little bread.

COME TO BED MY DARLING....
I bet that got your attention... ;) seriously though - you need to get at least eight hours good sleep a night for your body to get the rest it needs, repair the cells of the body and prepare for the next day.
If you are still awake after 10:30pm at night - take yourself by one of your extremities and go to bed - also have some water beside the bed for when you wake up in the morning of if you get thirsty during the night... drink at least one glass of water before your feet hit the floor... this gets the day off to a good start.

SLEEP APNOEA and snoring
I have sleep apnoea and I have to use a CPAP machine every night to keep my airways open. When diagnosed I had 90 hypopnia an hour - bad stuff.
I recommend you check out Google regarding Sleep Disorders and Sleep Apnoea. Usually, but not always, people who are overweight also have sleep apnoea - where you can stop BREATHING for over a minutes... then you wake yourself up, roll over or whatever, then start snoring again, and stop breathing again... thus you don't get a good nights sleep, you are constantly tired, a danger at work and when you are driving (or at least I was) as well as irritable all the time.

GET TO THE POINT DAVID - YOU ARE BORING ME!!!
Ok, sorry for all the above... to recap - as they say in those highly priced self help books - which I have chosen to stop reading since about 1999 - because nobody knows me as well as I know me.

Drink more water
Get proper sleep
Get checked out by a Doctor - do you have other health problems
Go to a dietician
Walk - ooops - I forgot to mention that one huh?

I went to a gym and just walked on a treadmill for a long as I could 3 times a week... water bottle at the ready... MP3 player blaring (not too loud though) with upbeat, great fun dance music. If I hear you are playing Celine Dion about how your heart will go on, or other soppy shit while you are supposed to be energized, I'll fly over there and whop your ass! LOL... and this brings me to the next subject:

MUSIC
What music do you listen to?
I am not going to tell you what to listen to, that is your personal choice and depends on your economic circumstances.
Think about this though:
Your mind/subconscious takes the cues on how to feel, behave and react in life from YOU... so, like an engine, what you feed your mind and body and soul will give you the end result.

IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW WORKING FOR YOU?
If so, keep doing it, or as Professor Einstein said: "Only a fool continues doing the same thing time after time and expects a different result." (or something like that)

WATER
SLEEP
DIET
DOCTOR
MUSIC
WALKING (exercise)

This is what has helped me go from not even fitting into my underwear only 9 months ago to having problems with keeping them up... (stop laughing - I'm single - but that's another story)