Tony,
Wow, that's a tough one. I'm not going to tell you what to do cause I've never been in that type of relationship. But I will throw my two cents in on my opinion.
First, being a "older buck" I disagree with your comment that having sex with both would not be cheating. Me, yes it would. Sex is a personal, physical bond between two people and a sign of somewhat committal of those two people. Part of today's problem with society is people have sex without any thought about the consequences. Believe me, if you have sex with both... one, two or all three of you will become jealous....just me.
Second, I would have to ask you....are you gay or bi..that is something you have to come to grips with yourself. Outside of professional counseling/theorpy, NOBODY can help you make that choice for you. Once you accept TOTALLY what you are (and that is what I struggle with for 46yrs), the choice and lifestyle should be an easier choice to make.
You say you have not had sex with this girl? But with your boyfriend, I'm assuming. Well to me it's somewhat clear...sex is a natural, emotional, and sometimes over powering physical action in people. What's my point...not once did you mention that you desired/wanted to sex with this girl. But being with a man for close to year...I'm assuming sex has been a part of the equation.
To sum it up...In my opinion...everybody desires to be in a relationship and even raising a family. But being a "young buck" yourself...look ahead 20yrs down the road...do you really want to be married to a woman but continue to have sexual relationships with men from time to time. Remember, urges of the body can take control over common sense of the mind...trust me.
Think of your future kids, wife....it won't end up in a good place.

My parents divorced when I was 12yrs old, dad was cheating on mom for over a year. And trust me...your childhood and events that occur as a child DOES determine greatly what kind of adult you become (to this day I still hold resentment towards my dad and we are not close at all,,,,the pain still hurts). And you don't want that for your future children. You need/want to be a "father" not a "weekend dad".

One last thing to consider that I noticed right off the bat. It's may be OK that both she and he are happy and content with things but that's only two people out of all the rest of the world. If things don't work out with either of them...the next person may not be so "understanding".
So yes, maybe you are being just a little shelfish...but that's OK, it's natural. It's how you deal with/actions to take about that feeling that makes up the type of person you are.
Sorry I wasn't of much help but I did give you my opinion.
I wouldn't want to be in your position. Keep us posted.

Thanks, Robert (and Chloe)
BTW- Chloes says she agrees....lol

So yes, maybe you are being just a little shelfish....I mean SELFISH. I don't think anybody wants to be a shelfish????

Thanks a lot robert...:)
i really appreciate all what you have said...:)
and will have to do some serious thinking
Thank you

TORNY...not TONY..my apologies.

I think you are in a really situation, too. I have also known girls who wanted to get to know me and join me to the "straight" lifestyle. Time and again, though, I realized that I could only be really satisfied and fulfilled by a man. Thus, girls were always a problem for me. I like them as friends and buddies, but I can't give them what they think they want. It would hurt them to expend their energies trying to convert me into a straight person only to realize that things couldn't work out that way. I guess we are battling against two major world views here.

You are very wise to be listening to your feelings and keeping an open mind. I applaud individuals like you who are capable of such honesty. I, for one, could not. I bid you peace and I hope everything works out.

Hello Torny,

As I read through your post, several questions sprang to mind. In your post you said that you are attracted to this girl mentally. From the way it is written it sounds like you two are either good friends that are deepening a friendship, or you are actually dating this girl. Are you dating this girl and just living as a roommate with your boyfriend?

I also saw by your post that you wanted to live the social life that your parents raised you to believe in. I am assuming that you mean the heterosexual life where there are very little obsticles for your social life to contend with. That begs the question of, are you living your life to fulfill your parents expectations or your own?

I hate to tell you this, but there is very little difference between a gay relationship and a straight one when it comes to marriage and commitment. The basic biggie is that you sign a contract with the woman that you don't have to with a man. All that does is give each of you the right to get compensated for the other breaking the terms of the contract.

I was married for 8 years before I finally decided to live my own life rather than the one expected of me by my parents. I wanted the white picket fence, 2.5 children, a dog, a cat and a normal life. The problem was that I am more gay than bisexual. After I ended my marriage to my wife, I decided to live life for myself. I still wanted children but I didn't want the accompanying wife. I wanted to be with someone that could hold me, love me and help me when I was down. I didn't get that with my wife and I didn't get that with the first few relationships with men prior to the one I have been in now for 13 years.

My partner and I spoke of having children, adopting or getting a surrogate mother to have one for us, but we didn't go through with it because of the age difference. My husband is 15 years older than I am and will be 60 in February. While we can still adopt, health and financial issues make me reluctant to take that step.

I cannot comment on your morals or decisions because I am not you. I did not live your life so I don't have your experiences to draw on. What I can tell you is that I thought about the same thing you are asking about and realized that it wouldn't work for me. A third person in a relationship generally falls under one of three positions in an abuse triangle... the victim, rescuer or perpetrator.

How that applies here is that I can foresee your potential wife feeling victimized by a marriage that is only for the sake of kids and social acceptance. By marrying this girl, you are stopping her from pursuing a relationship with a man that can give her his heart, mind and body. She will cast you in the role of perpetrator because you are the one that withheld your heart.

The only way that this scenario could play out in something resembling a healthy relationship is if you and your boyfriend were upfront with the girl and honest with each other. What I hear when I read your post is that you and your boyfriend are both searching for "the right girl" to come along. I am sorry to say this, but there is no right girl if you are truly gay. A girl will not be able to fulfill the desires and attractions that you feel towards men because she is not physically equipped to do so. The part where you say that he has your heart while she has your body is very telling when it comes to how you really feel.

The girl you are talking about deepening your relationship with, and marrying sounds like a good person. If she is all that you say she is, than she deserves to have a man that will give her all of him.. not just the parts that procreate.

As for the issue of cheating and selfishness, that is going to have to be your call. There are people out there that have open relationships and are fine with it. I happen not to be one of those people and would be very hurt if my husband slept with anyone else.. male or female. In order for a relationship like that to work, all parties involved have to know about each other.. and relationship boundaries have to be set that are acceptable to all involved. In this instance, it sounds like you need to let the girl know about your feelings and desires for your boyfriend before you two can go any further. As for your boyfriend himself, it sounds like he needs to figure out if he wants to make his love interest you and the girl, or if he wants to seek out his own female companion.

The part you may not have thought about is this... If you seek out a woman who is willing to allow you to keep your man.. what is to stop her from wanting to seek out another person.. male or female.. to meet her other needs? The same goes with your boyfriend.. If he seeks out another woman, and she is amenable to it.. what happens when she decides to seek out another person to fulfill her needs too? This pattern can become quite complicated in no time with everyone involved not getting their physical and emotional needs met.

You need to think long and hard about how you want to live your life. By pursuing this girl, you are opening yourself to a situation that may destroy any chance of you having that "social life" you claim to desire. The more people you involve, the less likely you are going to be able to have any semblance of a normal social life. By the time you are done trying to hide the other members of your love life, you will have no energy left to spare to keep those same people satisfied.

The question of selfish comes into play when you decide how you are going to pursue your ideals. If you are not open, honest and up front with all the people involved, you are definitely being dishonest and selfish. If you are going to make any of the things you want to have work out, you will have to find people who are willing to share the parts of yourself that you are willing to give to each of them without them being resentful of the person you are giving the other parts of yourself to. This is rarely the case, but it can be done. You have about a 1 in 1,000,000 chance to meet the right combination of people to have this kind of relationship with.. but if you can find them.. more power to you. It wouldn't work for me.. but again.. it isn't me that is living your life.

Good luck.

~Wolfie

I'll tell you once - I will tell you twice, you better wise up, Janet Weiss. Your apple pie, don't taste too nice - you better wise up, build your thighs up!

Dammit, you've done it - what countless men crying in their drink at drag bars failed to do - you've managed to be gay - be happy - be married, keep your wife happy - have children, keep society happy - marry a woman, keep your family happy and find people happy to help you do this.

Snap out of it. What you plan to do is not only selfish, but verging on cruel. Being gay comes with its share of problems, that aren't due to you, but due to the way customs in this country fell or the way the sun reflected off of the river one day - whatever, but things are what they are. You are gay and that is going to change your life in ways that will differentiate it from a straight man's. What you want to do is bend time to make it not so. That's sorcery.

In order to do this, you will have to leach energy from your fiance, from your boyfriend, family and child to do it. Worth it?

The only credential I have to be a tad hard on you like this is having had the same thoughts before, but beating them back with logic. I DID NOT take the plunge and am glad I didn't. For one thing - like you, my thoughts and plans were not consistent. In the text above, you say you are mentally connected to this girl, but then at the end you say he has your heart, but her your body? She doesn't have you heart, but you want her to have your baby? If you're using her to ease your mental state - giving her your body only and hoping to use her as an Easy bake Oven, what in creation does she have to be happy about?

I've thought on this. The man would always have my heart because I'm wired that way, so what does that leave my wife and child? The child gets my paternal expertise and the wife my body? If she could choose, I'm sure the choice would be love, because she can find another man to be a great father, dick down her pussy good, AND love her with all his heart.

But back to your girl. She's happy. Does she know everything? Your family is happy - do they know everything? Your boyfriend ... is ok with your contentment with the other side and the constant fence jumping? Then you - you are happy - you are tensing a muscle and plan to hold it for eighteen years? Let me guess: as soon as the kid is grown and without a doubt, well rounded and happy, you'll dump his/her mother and be with the man you've loved all the while?

You better wise up.

What's wrong with the alternative where you take your chances with your family, come out and focus your mind, heart, and body on your boyfriend. The two of you create an alternative happy life together and adopt a child or do you not realize who got elected yesterday? :-D Your adopted child will grow up in a home where love is, not just good parenting and prudent citizenship.