GAY LIVING A Real Life Adventure Community Group
GAY LIVING is designed to be a safe place to express our daily lives, what we are faced with and how we handle each situaiton. Finding humor in our daily lives through the fear, laugher and tears. To come together and find a friends, both old and new. We will talk about love (finding, keeping or losing it), our daily struggles, fear, exciement and learn to love ourselves...
Or is it something more?
Some friends of mine who are around my age (I'm 51) tend to like guys much younger than they are. These guys are serious about finding a partner for life, someone they can settle down with, and grow old with. But they always seem to attach themselves (or sometime the other way around) to guys who are still maturing.
They call me on the phone and tell me they've finally found their true love. "I think I've found "the one". And he's so MATURE for his age!" Another wise friend of mine told me once that a young guy referred to a "mature for his age" was code for "an easy bottom".
In all my experiences the may/December romances end, usually horribly, and with me consoling the guy who was dumped... again.
When I give them a suggestion of finding someone a little closer to their age, they almost invariably tell me "age is just a number. My opinion has always been that age is much more than just a number. Your age represents experience, maturity, "education" by fire, and a fair amount of reflection. It doesn't mean you're through by any stretch, but a little wiser due to on the job training. The question I always ask the person I'm consoling is: Would you trust your twenty-five year old self to be brought into the present to make decisions for your life? Nine times out of ten, they answer "no". All this being said, young guys are fun to be around and are not jaded by all the battles of life yet. Sometimes being around young guys can make you feel young.
Let's see if any of you have comments about this.
Some friends of mine who are around my age (I'm 51) tend to like guys much younger than they are. These guys are serious about finding a partner for life, someone they can settle down with, and grow old with. But they always seem to attach themselves (or sometime the other way around) to guys who are still maturing.
They call me on the phone and tell me they've finally found their true love. "I think I've found "the one". And he's so MATURE for his age!" Another wise friend of mine told me once that a young guy referred to a "mature for his age" was code for "an easy bottom".
In all my experiences the may/December romances end, usually horribly, and with me consoling the guy who was dumped... again.
When I give them a suggestion of finding someone a little closer to their age, they almost invariably tell me "age is just a number. My opinion has always been that age is much more than just a number. Your age represents experience, maturity, "education" by fire, and a fair amount of reflection. It doesn't mean you're through by any stretch, but a little wiser due to on the job training. The question I always ask the person I'm consoling is: Would you trust your twenty-five year old self to be brought into the present to make decisions for your life? Nine times out of ten, they answer "no". All this being said, young guys are fun to be around and are not jaded by all the battles of life yet. Sometimes being around young guys can make you feel young.
Let's see if any of you have comments about this.
When I was 25, I wouldn't have said that, maybe even when I was 35, but now I'm in my fourties and I am so different than I used to be. Physical changes aside, I'm more confident, capable and hard working than before. I'm also less open, not as optimistic and (if I'm being honest) carrying more emotional baggage.
I love, LOVE the joy and optimism of younger guys and it absolutely makes me feel younger and less cynical to be around them. That said, there was a 10 year age difference between me and my last boyfriend and it ended horribly (for me anyway, lol).
A hard lesson learned (still learning)is to appreciate people for who and where they are in life. I don't expect someone with (oh dear God) half my life experience to see things the same way as I do. I don't expect as much out of my younger friends, but try to accept where they are, just as I would have wanted someone to do for me.
I wouldn't rule out a serious relationship with someone younger, (at this point my options are limited enough, lol) I also don't seek them out or expect friendship to be anything more.
I'd love to hear the opinions of some of the younger guys on the site.
A friend of mine who is now 48, is dating a 20 year old kid. He believes he's found his partner for life, and it's obvious he isn't thinking rationally. This exact situation has happened to him before, and unfortunately I fear it's about to happen to him again. All I can do is be there for him... no matter what.
It seems chuck that there are two strikes against having a younger "life partner." Most younger guys, it seems, are still in the "fun" phase of life. Not that we older men don't want to have fun, it's just that I already know that my most meaningful friendships in life have always been with guys who were no more than 10 years younger than I am; these began when I was still in denial of my true sexual orientation. Younger than 10 was just too unstable and too unpredictable. Then I was more of a "father figure (ugh)."
Maybe some older guys might eventually find a younger guy (younger than 10 years difference), but I think it's highly unlikely. There just doesn't seem to be enough commonality to build a life together on.
Brian
What a wonderful topic from such a wise man. Thank you for bringing this to the table or group.
Like you I am a more seasoned individual, I just turned 50 at the end of January. And to that I can say it is just a number. I do not feel 50, even living with a serious heart condition. I feel as if I am in my late 30’s or early 40’s (on most days).
For the most part, in spite of what reflection I see in the mirror I am always amazed at people who guess me to be in the aforementioned age range. Never have I found myself to be more than average with my looks, and what I did not have in that area I made up for with a huge loving heart.
As you so eloquently stated “mature for his age” is code for something, so I will go with easy bottom. I have found that I have been the one who has listen to the pain and heartache of someone who was with “the one” and then they found out that “the one” was actually one of a long list which is to follow.
When I was 35 I met Josh who at the time he had literally just turned 22. He and I had several conversations about life, spirituality, beliefs and understandings. At NO point did I ever have thoughts of entering into a relationship with him. I worked diligently at setting him up with one or two gay guys closer to his own age. None of which seemed to work.
One night after weeks of struggling to be completely honest he asked me to have a relationship with him. At that moment in time I asked a series of questions and believed him to be “mature for his age”. So for a brief moment I thought of a long future with him and felt that he was “the one”.
Once the reality set in for me, my education, life experience and understanding of psychology I thought it would be fun for however long it lasted. Which, at that time I had given it 90 days tops? On the third week Josh asked me if I gay marriages were legalize would I marry him. Believing I was safe I said of course. Little did I realize how serious he was?
All of this started July 20th 1996. This July 20th we will celebrate our 15 year anniversary. Though the time does not seem to be that long it has been a wonderful journey. Being 13 years my junior he has amazed me many times.
When I was in the ER and he watched me pass away a couple of times were the hardest thing he ever had to experience. He never left my side other than to check on and take care of our Chihuahuas. Josh found strength and peace that he never realized he had. Being in control of our house, our babies, and taking care of my health care was a difficult task. Difficulties that he met head on, found the determination and strength which ultimately got me through the toughest time of our life.
No one could have told me that he and I would be together this long, nor would anyone have convinced me that we would have been legally married in Vermont under the Civil Union Act. But we are together, we are married and we are very happy with each other.
For the most part when someone tells me that they are dating a younger person I worry for them. If it is 10-13 years I feel that there is a real chance of success. However, when I know a 50 year old is dating a 20 year old I know that both of them are in for a let down. There is not much to which the two can have in common. The age difference is too vast in my opinion.
A couple of months ago a dear friend said that he was looking for a younger man, when we discussed his interest I was surprised to say the least. I agree that yes they can be nice to look at, they can be fun to be with, but at some point the distance between their life experiences and their ideas of the future must come into play.
I wish everyone had or would find “the one”. However, I do believe that as I look at older gay men that they sometimes try to remain youthful by living out their fantasies with or through a younger man. It is just my opinion, but I would not be able to keep up with the activities of those so young. Not because of my heart condition, but because I do not want to be out parting all night, I never did. I do not want to spend hours listening to music that number one I do not understand nor can I pronounce the names of the groups.
Life is meant to be shared with someone to whom we love and can relate to within our life experiences. There must be a common ground outside of the bar, bedroom and the fantasy.
As these short lived romances fall apart, the individuals lose some small part of themselves. They accumulate baggage which, at some point will play out later on. When you have asked would they have trusted their 25 year old self and they reply NO, what makes them think that someone in today’s world would have any more of the idea or direction then they did?
Josh and I are uncommon in my thoughts. We have friends, my age, younger and older that are in love with “the one”. It is evident in their eyes, actions and respect for one another. Some of our friends have been together for 20+ years while others are just at the 5, 8 and 10 year marks. Still they flourish, but their ages are very close, their backgrounds vastly different in some cases, but nonetheless together they have found what they have been looking for.
It is my deepest hope that those people who seek love find it and that they minimize the pain in which they create or experience during the time of searching.
Once again thank you.
With much respect,
Jerry S.