Don't be misled by my title, I am not suffering from buyers remorse. And you guessed it, it is 3 am, bar close is over and of course still no kids on campus sooooo it is ramble time. :) Good news is that one week from today the invasion starts and I will actually have work to keep my mind focused and the rambling should be more sporadic.

So back to the title. Why did I take this drastic step in my life to surgically alter my inards for the purpose of weight loss? Well, when I was 19 my parents finally bought me horses. I had been riding since I was six, and would have done anything to have a horse of my own. So they bought a beautiful show mare, and she had a filly that pretty much came along for free. The previous owner was aged and getting out. For the first 2 years, I pretty much ignored the filly and spent most of my time with the older horses that could be ridden. This filly was spoiled rotten by my sister in the first two years we had her. So at this time I was a bit of a rebel. I had always ridden jumpers, and my parents bought into Saddlebreds. This is pretty much polar opposite worlds. If you are into horses you know what I am talking about. Well anyway, one of the first things I was told by a Saddlebred person was that they did not trail ride. (say what!?) and that you could not train a show horse at home, and an amatuer could not train a winner, it required a professional. So I can tell you that the first thing I did with the horses was ride them bareback with a halter on the trail. lol We were also told that the filly would make a cute little keep at home pet, but would never amount to anything in the show ring. So in this first 2 year period, I spent 90 days with a hard hard trainer in Iowa. I swear the man made me cry everyday I was there. But let me tell you I learned more that summer than I could have learned in years otherwise. (and for the record, I would have gone back again when I reached my early 20s had I the chance)
So following my rebel streak, when Sunny, the baby was old enough to ride, and my dad was itching to get her going, I simply went out in the pasture, put on a halter and jumped on bareback. lol She of course did nothing. She was so terribly spoiled she should have been a Golden Retriever. All she wanted was people attention.
When she was 4, the horse that I would have been showing hurt herself, the other was not enjoying showing so Sunny was about the only thing to ride. So I started putting time on her. And let me tell you, she was a pistol!! I would come back to the house everyday telling my parents to get rid of her, she was Also my Purina poster child. lol We argued and fought and struggled, and everyday I went back out and we started again. But in all of this fighting we formed a bond.
At our first show we won our classes and the championship and she was never beat after that. She was such a turd, that at every show in the warm up arena she would give me hell, and all the competitors would laugh and think that this was the day she would blow it and they would beat me, and everytime she went in the ring and performed perfectly. This girl had grown into a one man horse. I never let anyone else ride her. I felt it would be like a woman sharing her husband with another woman. It just felt wrong. So it was just Sunny and I. And she was one of the most rotten horses on the face of the earth for anyone but me. She had a habit of laying her ears back and actually baring her teeth at people as they walked by. It was terrifying if you didn't know the horse, but for those of us in the know it was just a game. I spent hours a day with this horse. 7 days a week/365 a year.
I of course at this point was still fit. Not skinny, but not obese, and I had muscle. It was a joke amongst my family and friends that I would grow old sitting on my parents porch with my horse and my dog. I had not interest in finding a man, I had what I needed in my life.

Well God had other plans, and he brought a man into my life that forced his way in and won my heart. But apparently I had to trade something for that, and in the first year of marriage my heart and soul got sick. :( The local vet could not say what was wrong, only that her organs were failing. I cried hysterically for days and days, and my poor husband was so torn that he told me I could haul her to the University and spend whatever it took to make it better. :) But I had seen the blood work, and I knew. And I was terrified that I would take her and she would pass and I would not be able to get her back home, and the thought of a rendering plant terrified me more than her passing. Everyone kept telling me I should just put her down, and I held strong and kept saying that when she was ready to go she would tell me and then it would time. So one night we were out feeding, and I told my husband that the time had come and it was time to let her go. Well in the morning when he went out to feed he found she had laid down that night and passed.

I was newly pregnant at this time, and of course my hormones were whacked anyway, but this event sent me in the start of my long battle with depression. This is also probably the event that kicked off my weight gain cycle. Between babies and anti depressants and the fact that she was about the only horse in the world I would have trusted with my babies. I searched and search and bought probably 50 horses over a 14 year period trying to find another Sunny. Which of course was impossible, but I did not even stop to consider. And with each failure my heart got heavier and heavier with defeat. Somewhere in there I lost myself completely. I had given up absolutely everything in my life that had made me-me. I put everything that was left of me into raising my babies and taking care of my husband. I had no hobbies, I had few friends. ( I had relocated from Denver to a small farm community in Kansas with marriage)

With a strange turn of events, we found ourselves moving to Illinois. Some things happened within my personal life that made me sit back and really reflect on where my life was, and if I should be putting so much of myself into keeping others happy while I felt like I was dying. I knew in my heart that it was time to step in the both feet and fight to take my life back no matter what it takes. I had always been the strong one and would let no one take me down. I wanted that strength back, I wanted me back. I wanted to get back to the things in my life that I love. Riding horses was in my blood, and those with horses understand. There is nothing like a horse to set your world back upright. I was going to get it back. Sunny would have kicked me in the teeth for letting anything break me down to where I was.

I know that God stepped in at this point, (and I am not a faithful person, I have really struggled with faith through these years) but something led me to the University site to see the job posting, and something led me to apply, test, interview and be offered the job. This was not a job I would have even considered, and I never thought it would even be possible. I tested #13 and they only interviewed the top five, but everyone ahead of me turned the position down.
Well this job has been a god send. It has given me back a spark that I needed to light my fire again. I am human and I am worth something. I work with the most awesome people in the world, and I really feel like I am a viable part of the group. With this job I got full benefits and it all led to here.

In my pre op journey they said many times that as you are losing weight, if you stall, you need to reflect on what was happening in your life the last time you were at that weight. Well the only past that I can see is the one where I am riding my true love. There is no other past for me. :) I started this with the solid goal of riding again and I will not stop until I have that accomplished. I sat on a horse for the first time in 5-6 years tonight. While that is not my final goal, I can see it. it is there.

I posted a photo in my album, of my true love. She passed 15 years ago October. It has been a long time in coming, but I think she is smiling down on me. :)

Sorry for the long story, and thanks if you managed to stick with it to the end. Hoping it makes sense. It is one of the those things I really felt like I needed to voice. I really don't have anyone in my world that I can sit down and talk to and voice my feelings and have them understand where I am going.