Charmed? I look for everyone Monday morning, or late Sunday night, I have grown attached to all of you and miss seeing you here, no matter what is going on with you. On the way home from work tonight, I was thinking about things, specifically when I would stand in the bathroom at the casino, and pray, I would pray for help, to help me leave, to help me win the money back and I would leave, I would never gamble again. I remember thinking when I won, the "Gods" were smiling down on me, and when I was losing, I was being "punished." I remember looking at large chip stacks and thinking omg, I lost more then what they have in front of them, but I had more than that in front of me, just yesterday. I remember thinking, I only wanted certain color chips, the other colored chips were "bad luck." I remember wondering what the dealers must have thought about me, they had seen me the day before, and had come back to work, after going home, doing their day/night, sleeping and back to work to see me still there, in the same clothes, looking exhausted. I remember the lies I would tell my friends and family members, I would miss work, I would not come home to take care of my best friends (dogs) and when I did come home, I was emotionally unavailable for days on end, until I rested, and was able to convince myself I could go back, play for a few hours, win and come home, and the cycle would start all over again. This went on for 10 years. I remember my daughter calling me when I was in a card room to tell me that she "started" she was 13, and I wasn't there, nor did I leave right away. So many things I did, that my addiction controlled, so many people I hurt, so much money thrown out the window, and my faith was distorted. My God, doesn't punish, but, he was crying as he watched me, punish myself. Today I pray, I don't forget, but I forgive. xoxoxoxo