Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I've been reading through the threads, and I've found the stories about the moments people knew they finally had to quit particularly inspiring. But I haven't found a thread where they were all assembled together, so I thought I'd start one now.
For me, I went to the casino 8 days ago. I found a craps table with a dealer and a pit boss I had always found to be particularly friendly. You must understand, I am a rather young woman, and some of the older female dealers and pit bosses could be judgmental towards me going in 3-5 times per week and dropping significant sums of money, but these two were different.
Or so I thought.
On this particular day, the dealer said to me, "I used to come here a lot. Not a 'lot lot,' like you do -- oh God, never like that -- but a lot." And she shot this disdainful look at the pit boss, and I knew in that moment that they had talked about me negatively before.
I sheepishly said, "Oh, well, I might be quitting soon."
And the pit boss said, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard that from you before." She actually looked disgusted.
I felt really judged and ashamed. Moreover, I actually felt betrayed. I had played for probably hundreds of hours at these tables over the years, and these were two casino employees with whom I felt comfortable, free, and friendly. But it occurred to me at that moment that I was just a big joke to them. Someone they pitied. I was not someone they admired, no matter how well I rolled or how much I won. They wouldn't want to be friendly with me outside of the casino, or even pretend they recognized me. It was a huge eye-opener.
They say you shouldn't live your life for the opinions of others, and normally I don't. But seeing myself and my issue through their eyes was enough for me to finally pull the plug. What about for you?
For me, I went to the casino 8 days ago. I found a craps table with a dealer and a pit boss I had always found to be particularly friendly. You must understand, I am a rather young woman, and some of the older female dealers and pit bosses could be judgmental towards me going in 3-5 times per week and dropping significant sums of money, but these two were different.
Or so I thought.
On this particular day, the dealer said to me, "I used to come here a lot. Not a 'lot lot,' like you do -- oh God, never like that -- but a lot." And she shot this disdainful look at the pit boss, and I knew in that moment that they had talked about me negatively before.
I sheepishly said, "Oh, well, I might be quitting soon."
And the pit boss said, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard that from you before." She actually looked disgusted.
I felt really judged and ashamed. Moreover, I actually felt betrayed. I had played for probably hundreds of hours at these tables over the years, and these were two casino employees with whom I felt comfortable, free, and friendly. But it occurred to me at that moment that I was just a big joke to them. Someone they pitied. I was not someone they admired, no matter how well I rolled or how much I won. They wouldn't want to be friendly with me outside of the casino, or even pretend they recognized me. It was a huge eye-opener.
They say you shouldn't live your life for the opinions of others, and normally I don't. But seeing myself and my issue through their eyes was enough for me to finally pull the plug. What about for you?
I pulled out the insurance card from my wallet, and spoke with someone on the nurse hotline. I didn't admit that I had a gambling problem-- that happened a couple of days later, with my partner at the time-- but I did tell this person that I needed help.
Aside from seeing my dog in the seat next to me, I'm not sure what the difference was this time. But, there WAS a difference. I was done feeling like shit, and having to look over my shoulder all the time. Best decision that I've ever made.
Shortly after I stopped and had put together a few weeks of abstinence I had an interesting thought. Throughout my life I have met, known or been aquainted with countless numbers of people from all walks of life. Young, old, men, women, doctors, lawyers, skilled craftspeople, teachers, artists, even a few professional athletes. When I think back on everyone I have known I can usually find someone that fits just about every description. But you know who is the one person I have yet to meet in my life? A successful, happy gambler. It just doesn't exist.
So...... everyday I have to tell myself that I must live with me and my decision. There is no crawling out of my skin and doing something stupid. I have to own it and trust me again.
..I was also ...afraid of me..not sure what happened to the old me.....while parts of me needed to be worked on, this invader called gambling was ripping my life apart, turning me into soneone i could hardly recognize.....and despised...that was when I turned the corner...
Over the previous 20 years I had tried numerous ways to curtail my gambling on my own, gone to treatment two other times and had countless bouts of being suicidal over my gambling.
In the past treatment attempts, I did not want to do any work, I wanted the counselor to use a the "magic wand" method or give me a pill that would make me a social gambler again.
For me it has taken many lifestyle changes, changing false beliefs about gambling, (like I can get ahead by gambling), and hard internal psychological work on my childhood issues (abuse,abandonment, low self esteem) to gain the nearly eight months of abstinence I now have.
Today, I strive to start every morning with a check in here on D/S, I write something I am grateful for in a gratitude diary daily, I listen to guided imagery tapes, I attend a face to face support group, I go to counseling sessions, I feel my feelings and talk about them with people I can trust, I maintain friendships. I avoided prison but still have a criminal conviction. Today my life is worth living instead of escaping. My life today, is so much fuller, more rewarding and honest that I never want to go back to that dark, isolated and hopeless state that I attained while gambling. Thanks for reading and being here everyone, it helps me stay abstinent.