Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...

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fromthisday 09/18/2015

I had asked for thoughts and prayers yesterday because I was going to talk to my parents about my addiction and that I have fallen again (second time) and I need help. Here is how things went.

I had asked them to get a loan out for me to pay off some of my debt. I will make the entire payment every month. In two years I will be able to get my own personal loan due to my credit going up due to on time payments and reduced debt. I will then be able to pay off their loan. So all I need is 2 years. Maybe even shorter due to credit rising. I also told them I will tell my husband everything, I will go to GA, I already have an appt with my therapist to come out with this because she is not aware. I will have my husband install Gamblock on the computer. My gambling was all done online. And my husband will be taking care of all of the bills, I will not have access to extra money and my accts will be shared with him now instead of by myself. I think i covered all bases with what I need to succeed.

By the way, I have only been married to my husband for a year. I do not feel it is his responsibility to help me with this problem. This is why I went to my parents.

The response was not what i anticipated. They are not going to help me. My dad was screaming at me how could I do this, etc. Told me get another job and pay for this myself. To be honest I can't even remember everything now it was horrible. Lots of yelling. My mom told me my dad is a mess with this, even had a panic attack in the night. Everything became about them and how they can;t handle this, I should have been fixed now, etc.I guess thats par for the course that they are angry. But I feel so hurt because I shared so many feelings with them about why i started, why i failed and why i want so much to get better. and all the steps i want and am more than willing to take.

Wow, of course I am giving you the cliff notes version. There's just so much. I will be honest, I felt completely suicidal, I am worth more dead than alive, that's for sure. But then I picked up my little girl from school and hugged her so tight. I love my children, I don't want to leave them. But my God I have never felt lower and more worthless in my life.

Now what?

ksgal13 09/18/2015

First things first... You are definitely loved and better off alive. You can figure this out. Some how some way things will get better. Right now the most important thing is to know that your life is important and your child definitely needs you. There are some smart people who will read this post and have more ideas that can help. Always remember that tomorrow is a new day.

Qwit4Good 09/18/2015

Your whole plan did rest on your parents helping you. Perhaps they have bailed you out before? Perhaps they had other plans to do with what they were gonna do with their money. Maybe they thought they would not have to worry worry about adult children. Many people do not get/understand that this is an addiction, and look at gambling as moral weakness. Tell your husband next and deal with it however the chips fall. The new husband needs to be given a choice about helping in your recovery, not an assignment. With or without him on your side, you need to get abstinent for yourself and your child. There is too much of life you are cheating yourself out of.
No one is worthless, no life is wasted, know that depression is part of the withdrawal from gambling, keep the national suicide hot line number nearby: 1 (800) 273-8255 and use it if you feel that way again. You have children who need you. You need you!
My parents have been gone for over two decades and I did not have children. But I am worth it, so are you.

itsjustmeagain 09/18/2015

its only money!!!!!!! you have to get it straight, it can be replaced, YOU CANT, its not your fault per se, this is a horrible disease that takes over, you can recover from this, you need to be a mother, the tragedy would be if you left that little girl alone on this earth, you can live on less, you can get another job, you can do whatever you can to make it work

just love yourself enough to know its worth it....god speed, go to church say a prayer, light a candle, hang in there....We need you :)

skip88 09/18/2015

My guess is once your family really sees you are trying they will offer their support. That does not mean that they will offer to bail you out which Never helped me although at the time I thought it was the most important thing. I always treated it as a huge win and before long was off and running. We always want a quick and easy solution to a complex problem.

pennyluv 09/19/2015

As a parent who has been there, I can only say that your parents love you very much. They wouldn't be so upset if they didn't care. Believe me, they want to help you and they want you to recover. They just don't know how. They want you to find your own way because they want you to grow stronger and be well, not because they are angry. A loving family is something to be so thankful for. You can do this. You might not be able to imagine it now but you will make so many wonderful memories for your daughter in her lifetime. Take very good care of yourself, for yourself and for her.

fromthisday 09/19/2015

Thank you all for your support, it means the world to me

espnbart 09/19/2015

You can do this. One day, one hour, one minute at a time to start. It's a long journey, but well worth it. I've relapsed in the last 5 months, lost tens of thousands, I felt like you. It seems hopeless. GA can help, and they can help communication problems with your family. They may not understand that it's a true addiction, just like alcohol, nicotine and heroin. Stay strong and be there for your daughter! We believe in you

nancyzoman 09/20/2015

Wow, I am so sorry to hear your story. I have been rooting for you.

I think there are two issues at play here: Your relationship with parents, and your relationship with yourself.

I made some mistakes in my mid-twenties. Feeling alone and desperate in the world, I too turned to my parents for support. I imagined they would comfort me. But they did not. They shamed me. They refused to speak to me about some of my mistakes. They essentially shunned me.

And I was stunned. I thought we were close. I thought they loved me unconditionally. Instead I realized that I had bruised their egos because their egos needed to see me a certain way to feel like they were awesome parents. It wasn't them speaking from their hearts; it was them protecting themselves from the idea that they weren't perfect parents and I wasn't a perfect daughter. The fake glass image came shattering down.

Eventually they came around. In the meantime, it was a hurtful but necessary lesson. I learned to become friendly with my parents without relying on them for support or guidance. I learned how to rely on myself as an adult and turn to professionals for help with my addictions, my underlying issues, and my finances.

And in the end, it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I am not living a quasi-existence as woman-child; I am a strong, independent woman today with an adult support network.

But I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I'm sorry your parents aren't supporting you. And I'm sorry you feel ashamed, frustrated, depressed, worthless, and anxious. I am here to tell you there is nothing to be ashamed of -- you are not in denial and are on your way out of the problem. You are not in need of feeling frustrated -- we are here to help. Do not be depressed -- there is hope for you. Do not feel worthless -- your daughter needs you. Do not feel anxious -- time will heal all of your wounds and give you a strength you never knew you had.

Maybe that sounds preachy, but please, know that I am speaking from my heart. You are a champion and you can beat this addiction.

fromthisday 09/20/2015

@Nancy

Boy I think you hit the nail on the head! I do think what happened with your parents is very similar to mine. I do need to separate a bit from them and like you not rely on them so much for guidance and support. I felt very shamed from my dad and that is the last thing I need. I certainly know what I did wrong!

However, i did tell my husband today, everything. He was very supportive. Of course he was disappointed and somewhat angry but said he loves me very much and wants to help me on this journey. He knows that I need to do the work, but he is going to help me with anything i need to get better.

I am so grateful and blessed to have him, he is a wonderful man.

I do feel better, relieved that I have shared it.I do not feel as anxious and depressed. Happy that I can start anew!

yellowly 09/20/2015

just keep doing the right thing, with or without support. if you are THAT willing, your Higher power will lead you.

fromthisday 09/20/2015

I am THAT willing, trust me! It all makes me sick now. And my HigherPower made a huge calling today. It was so strong it made me cry! Things are working!

Twoyearsclean 09/20/2015

FTD, my heart goes out to you....I remember the same difficult conversations and the hard choices my loved ones had to make. I have seen too much make things worse when the gambler is let off the hook and there is any relief to the gambler. Only the misery of the situation you have bought and paid for can remind you of why gambling is a bad idea for you. That is the very meaning of tough love.

But all of this is fixable, one day or even one minute at a time. You will have to examine the wreckage and decide one by one what needs to be taken care of. I placed my last bet ten years ago today and still have one last debt to pay off. But I have been given the steady reminder of who I am and that me gambling is a disaster with wide-spread destruction. I know this in my heart and that keeps me off the computer and out of the casino.

Again, you can make it through this and do not be surprised if it does take a while for anyone to believe you. Let them judge you by your right actions and not your words. Take Care.

Qwit4Good 09/21/2015

Well done! Good for you fromthisday, coming clean is so powerful. It lays the groundwork for being honest from here on out. The lying and the sneaking and covering up is some of the worst parts of this addiction as it is what adds to the mountain of self-loathing we build. Early on in my recovery, every time I would tell someone that I was a compulsive gambler, it somehow freed me just a little bit from being the victim of gambling. Odd paradox of being vulnerable or admitting vulnerability makes us more powerful.
Now that you know you have support and love you just need to make a workable program you can follow and do the work.
Count your blessings and know that you are loved, and worth the effort in the fight for sanity.

nancyzoman 09/21/2015

@fromthisday - I'm glad to hear that you've come clean to your husband as well.

To some extent, revealing to your partner that you have been hiding a secret gambling addiction is like revealing that you have had an affair. The mode of betrayal is different, but there is still shock, surprise, broken trust, anger, sadness, and fear that you may do it again.

I say this because it's a long journey ahead. I want for you to be prepared and to pace yourself and your expectations accordingly.

I revealed to my partner in June that I had a gambling addiction. For myself, I self-banned, started going to therapy, signed up for this group, and put my partner in full control of my finances, with me only having a spending allowance each week for things like clothes, going out to eat, seeing friends, etc. No cards or checks at all. This prevented me from going to the casinos in my state and a neighboring state, as well as from sneaking parts of paychecks and running off to the casino when I travel.

But it was a long journey. Though he is a kind and understanding and forgiving person, there were moments I think the image of the "amazing" woman he proposed to became somewhat tarnished. I had to get vulnerable, be willing to be exposed as totally weak around this addiction. He had to admit that he felt betrayed and foolish, that I was able to sneak away for that long and spend that much money without him noticing.

We considered counseling, but instead sometimes read books about gambling addiction or just talk openly for a while about it together. It was rough for the first month or two; I think he was shocked and somewhat angry and sad he didn't notice.

It's been three months now, and we are to the point where I can turn to him when I have urges to gamble. It's better. In some ways, I think we have moved to a place where we have greater emotional intimacy because I messed up so badly with the gambling. But at the same time, it was a long road to get here. And I don't want for you to think it will be easy. Brace yourself, pace yourself, and know that you only have to get through one day at a time.

fromthisday 09/21/2015

Thank you for your praises. I know its going to be quite a journey. My husband is wonderful but I'm sure he will have some of his own feelings as well. We do have a counselor already so that will be a great help. I can see her, he can see her, and then we can both go together sometimes. But thank you for the heads up!

We have changed all the financials, everything will go through him, and I will get an allowance until time elapses, treatment, therapy and trust is restored.

And yes, I'm trying real hard not to get ahead of myself, one day at a time!

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