Well....I made it 8 days then blew it yesterday....fortunately I only had access to a couple hundred dollars so I didn't unravel entirely. Still tho, I. feel. awful. I have learned about my pattern...there are certain days of the week that trigger my desires...that's a positive - to have more clarity & understanding of what sets me off. So...today I start again at day 1 & look forward to the days turning into weeks. thanks for reading...

Day #1, I’ve had my share of those. I’ve navigated my way through so many reasons, thoughts, feelings and flops. I’ve repeatedly dissected my urge/desire to gamble and ended up back at it, feeding my addiction. That urge. That desire. Where does it come from? My brain, of course, that’s where my addiction lives. I just wanted to be done with the whole mess! I didn’t even want to gamble anymore, yet I was still doing it. The desire was dead, the urge was a lie, but there I was, still feeding my addiction, as if I had no say in the matter.
It really hit me hard when I fully realized I couldn’t trust myself. How scary and sad that realization was can still haunt me. No more reasons or excuses, or wondering why, just an empty feeling of knowing I couldn’t trust myself. Today I want to be able to trust myself more than I want to gamble. I wanted and needed my imperfect life back. Please, I told myself, I want to be able to trust myself again.
Any desire to gamble is my addiction begging to feed it, I want to trust myself more than feed my addiction.
Try thinking about what you want more than to gamble. What in your life is more important to you than to gamble. What is it about this addiction that is holding you hostage, think about it. Write about it. Know you’re not alone, we are here for you, we need you, remember, there’s safety in numbers.
Hold on tight

Robin-Mc...I truly appreciate your insight. I am wired in a way that I dissect/analyze things to the nth degree - trying to grasp a concept that will "click" - its a long arduous process . Writing things in my string & going back to read them has been helpful. I DO believe you are correct that I need to write about what I want more than to gamble - what is important.- find a vision of what benefits are gained when I say NO going forward....thanks for telling me I'm not alone....that's huge!! Holding on today!

We think a lot. No matter what, we’re always thinking. Have you tried to think logically about our addiction? Would that be like an outsider looking in, thinking about our addiction logically. We’re addicts, step number one is don’t feed the addiction. Logically that makes complete sense. We can be logical. And from there we move forward with feelings and emotions that aren’t always logical. It’s not easy to starve the addiction that lives in our minds, but it’s doable.
Keep writing- no gambling