Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
After about 4 months clean, I relapsed in March. I thought that was it. One bump in the road. I wish...
The past few weeks have been emotionally turbulent. I have taken some major steps in my life and I am definitely stressed. As a transgender male, I finally went on hormones. This is a REALLY big deal in my life, but I still have fears and worries.
So I went right back to my old ways of coping this week. Initially, I thought it paid off when I won $700 on Tuesday. But by Friday, I was back out there, just like I'd never started the recovery process. Not telling the truth about where I'm at again, taking funds out of the ATM when I tell myself I won't, etc. All of it is a mirror image of the past ten years. I lost $260 this afternoon and I ended up going back over night to chase that, and gave back another $680.
So I actually lost $240 from the beginning of the week. I can't afford to lose a dime right now. I found out 2 weeks ago that I am the best man at a friend's wedding across the country - tickets are SO expensive. I had more than enough to buy my ticket with this silly win, but couldn't manage to do anything with the money other than set myself up to return. I needed to put the entire lump sum into a credit card payment right away. I tried to do so and the system said I had to wait 3 days (since I'd just paid my bill). Rather than sending the money elsewhere or handing it over to someone (it's more than I've seen in MONTHS at one time), I left it there... trigger trigger trigger.
Of course - the storyline never changes. In some screwy way, I feel like I needed this to convince me that I am TOTALLY powerless. I wasn't ready to give in completely, but I really feel like I am now.
After a nice win, I can't wait to go back. After a loss, I can't wait to go back. There's no beating this, no controlling it, no using it to get back my feet (crazy thoughts that I sometimes have about a big win - we've all been there).
I am eager to get back to my GA room on Monday and come clean again. I'm not sure I can do that with my girlfriend right now, since my first relapse wasn't even 30 days ago yet. The wounds are fresh. I don't want her to abandon me, but right now I also don't feel worthy of her love and support. I'm torn on this one.
Despite this major kick in the ass today, I feel totally ready to give in now. I want to do this right. I need to get on the phone list more, create a daily schedule for myself, and opt. out of the ability to take funds out of the casino ATM's (in the event that I ever end up out there again). The self-ban did me no good - I went right back in and gambled at the place where I'm banned... both in the card room and at the machines. Nobody said a word. I wish I hadn't found that out - it was so much easier when I was too scared/humiliated to return. The desire to stay away and do the right thing at all times must come from deep inside me.
I never want to go back to being that old person; Scumbag, worthless piece of lying, stealing, cheating junk that I was.
Day one, here I come. Watch the f*ck out. I'm ready this time. I need this.
The past few weeks have been emotionally turbulent. I have taken some major steps in my life and I am definitely stressed. As a transgender male, I finally went on hormones. This is a REALLY big deal in my life, but I still have fears and worries.
So I went right back to my old ways of coping this week. Initially, I thought it paid off when I won $700 on Tuesday. But by Friday, I was back out there, just like I'd never started the recovery process. Not telling the truth about where I'm at again, taking funds out of the ATM when I tell myself I won't, etc. All of it is a mirror image of the past ten years. I lost $260 this afternoon and I ended up going back over night to chase that, and gave back another $680.
So I actually lost $240 from the beginning of the week. I can't afford to lose a dime right now. I found out 2 weeks ago that I am the best man at a friend's wedding across the country - tickets are SO expensive. I had more than enough to buy my ticket with this silly win, but couldn't manage to do anything with the money other than set myself up to return. I needed to put the entire lump sum into a credit card payment right away. I tried to do so and the system said I had to wait 3 days (since I'd just paid my bill). Rather than sending the money elsewhere or handing it over to someone (it's more than I've seen in MONTHS at one time), I left it there... trigger trigger trigger.
Of course - the storyline never changes. In some screwy way, I feel like I needed this to convince me that I am TOTALLY powerless. I wasn't ready to give in completely, but I really feel like I am now.
After a nice win, I can't wait to go back. After a loss, I can't wait to go back. There's no beating this, no controlling it, no using it to get back my feet (crazy thoughts that I sometimes have about a big win - we've all been there).
I am eager to get back to my GA room on Monday and come clean again. I'm not sure I can do that with my girlfriend right now, since my first relapse wasn't even 30 days ago yet. The wounds are fresh. I don't want her to abandon me, but right now I also don't feel worthy of her love and support. I'm torn on this one.
Despite this major kick in the ass today, I feel totally ready to give in now. I want to do this right. I need to get on the phone list more, create a daily schedule for myself, and opt. out of the ability to take funds out of the casino ATM's (in the event that I ever end up out there again). The self-ban did me no good - I went right back in and gambled at the place where I'm banned... both in the card room and at the machines. Nobody said a word. I wish I hadn't found that out - it was so much easier when I was too scared/humiliated to return. The desire to stay away and do the right thing at all times must come from deep inside me.
I never want to go back to being that old person; Scumbag, worthless piece of lying, stealing, cheating junk that I was.
Day one, here I come. Watch the f*ck out. I'm ready this time. I need this.
having read your message from a gambling prospective i understand where your coming from, if you wont judge my spelling which is brilliant its my typing that sux i ll offer my couple of bobs worth
i ve being around g a most of my adult life
clean for the most part
the world record for a compulsive gambler to be off a bet is 24 hours
just for today
its damn hard at the start to do that
keep it in the day
so hard in fact
that to achieve it is a minor miracle
sorry not minor
major
thats all yo got to do
resist the temptation to look beyond today
just for today
anything else is waste of time
at the start any how
and you will here loads of this in the rooms
look to the members who have quality abstinence , they tend to be a round with a while ,listen to what they did, and continue to do,
this is what i eventually got round to doing i sought the sponsorship from a member who was well in himself and have for m that day since followed his guidance
today i lve my life the g a way
today i live
best of luck a day a a time
I hope you and your g/f can make it through this bump in the road and that everything goes well with your health. You may want to check on the side effects of the hormone therapy, too, and find out how it affects you personally - maybe time will tell but awareness and preparedness is so important to all of us fighting this damned gambling addiction. Take Care!