Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
MY GAMBLING TESTIMONY
Hello people,
How did I stop gambling and stay stopped?
I dont know, it just happened.
My story is no different to anybody else,s who has this on going emotional and mental disorder, of being addicted to gambling.
I felt there would be any hope for me, ever, to give up gambling.
Over the years I tried everything to stop. Gave up my job in a gambling club, attended meetings, used strategies i was given, like no access to keycards and credit cards, phoning friends of GA and AA (no meetings here for GA I attended meetings at AA for 12+ years.)
Nothing worked because I hadnt let it!
Honesty with myself was sadly lacking and being in denial, kept leading me to relapse after relapse, which only set me back more and more, so the helplessness that I experienced, became part of my miserable life.
In September of 97 I attempted suicide but I was saved by an inuitive friend, where I was staying.
I had decided after another miserable night out gambling, that I had had enough and this was the best thing I could do for everyone. Consequently this lead to my first attempt at a proffesional, clinical approach to rehabilitation, a programme at Flinders Medical Centre, South Australia.
Three weeks later, after a new form of approach to therapy, developed by Professor Isaccs a UK dimentia specialist, I was an out patient, and had a wonderful therapist. Yet again I started to gamble the money I,de saved by being in hospital. Always on poker machines, rarely did I gamble on horses or cards.... no interest.
In 1998 in January I had a car accident that left me feeling very lucky to be alive, and although I didnt really have a life that I felt was worth living I survied.
My gambling had eaten into 3 of my familys bank accounts, and my addiction had eaten into my brain. So much so that I beacmae more submerged in alcohol, drugs and denied mysef most things people take for granted. Food,paying bills, and respect of my family, finally diminished.All but my Aunt disowned me, leaving me with almost no support except her.
My thinking was distorted, I ignored my health and even on crutches after my accident I still continued gamble. The drugs and alcohol were to numb and dull the effects of gambling. Within the next 2 years I was evicted from my home, sold my car for a rediculous price and created an impregnable road away from my family, again, except for my Aunt.
One of the emotional lies I used to tell myself was that someone else could always fix my gambling debts and give me more money to keep on gambling. Till finally the wells ran dry. My mother died in october 1999 and I was evicted from my home in December 31st 1999.welcome to the year 2000.. It had absolutely had no meaning for me.
I still had nowhere to go as i was too out of it to do such complicated things, like find another place to live.
I was supposed to inherit my mothers house but owing to also going bankrupt in 1999 as well, my sister,s took charge of the estate and i lost it.
Consequently because of my attitude, and blindness to the real cause of my situation, I fought with my 2 sisters for my mothers house believing it to be mine. 48 hours prior to my being evicted they finally agreed to rent mums house (as they bought it), to me.
I lived in it for 12 months and my sister asked me to leave wanting the house for one of her daughters. I wasnt paying rent on time, if at all and I was angry most of the time if I saw my sister and any of my family.
I decided that my only option I could see then, was to live with my aging aunt.
I was able to store my stuff next door in a neighbors shed next to my aunt, so for the while I was ok.
My gambling and dependecy did not relent. There was some change in my gambling habit, and my drinking and drugging stopped for long enough to became somewhat clearer about what i had to do.
I had heard of another rehab centre in Sydney called Odyssey House. They too had gambling rehab programmes, so in desperation, I decided to give it a go.
I had nothing to lose.
It was then, December 2001, after 12 mnths with my Aunt, left for Odyssey House.
It was a gruelling time, but mixing with people who were recovering from all 3 addictions, (me included) I felt like i wasn't alone anymore and could identify with the residents as just normal pple with complicated problems, like me.
Leaving Odyssey House I returned home for the last time in June 2002.
I spent the next 3 years or so, like a hermit. Keeping to myself and living in my room for up to 14 hours a day just surfacing for meals at my Aunts.
Once a fornight I would sneak out with an excuse and go to the clubs to gamble on pension day.
Living this non exitantant hermits life, drugs and alcohol soon found their way back into my miserable life.
Over the next few year I gradually started to come to terms with my life and my gambling started to subside. Not totally but I was beginning to see a light.
In feb 2004, hope came in the way of the house next door to my Aunt's place where I'd stored my belongings in thier shed.... it came up for rent.
I thought it was a god send but how on earth could I afford it. I just knew that I had to get out of my Aunts place as it and she and her cat were driving me bananas..... literally! So I applied for the house from the real estate office, and got it.
I did have a job too, but after 4 weeks, tossed it in. I was not yet ready to handle real money, as it was another part of the process I had to learn, and am still learning it today.
The real value of money meant nothing to me in the past, but I have clawed and struggled my way back, and finally found a peace that at 58 means more to me than money. I take each day as it comes, gamble free, and know that my higher power has been with me all along just waiting to gently make me feel whole again.
All i had to do was stop. Like I said at the beginning, I dont know how I stopped, it was a combination of everthing, that finally added up in my life. My wonderful life now, where I pay bills on time, budget money, have money leftover and appreciate the simple things in my life.
If I was to say anything about how I stopped.. I stopped searching for the big win and transformed my obsession of trying to attain money gambling, by just letting it go, and letting my higher power in to guide me to the luck of each day. Not the luck of gambling.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
May the same Higher Power enter and guide and heal, those who allow it to.
Peace and blessings to all fellow recovering Gamblers and those, who are searching for help.
Yours in faith,
Vincent 13
xoxox
(PS:This was my story up until 2005 I started having relapses last december of 08 and have been on shakey ground since then. I am feeling each day out as it comes now, and knew I needed to get help.
Finally was lead to here.
I have my inner peace back again,after reading others posts and journals have some degree of sanity back.
I still feel vulnerable and under attack some days, but thats to be expected in recovery.
I know my feelings towards gambling will subside now, and I know I can deal with the demons on a daily basis, the same way that kept me free before I busted.
Thanx again for all your support and welcoming into the group.
TC
Yours In Faith
Vincent13 xoxox
(Its been a week this friday since I last gambled.)
Hello people,
How did I stop gambling and stay stopped?
I dont know, it just happened.
My story is no different to anybody else,s who has this on going emotional and mental disorder, of being addicted to gambling.
I felt there would be any hope for me, ever, to give up gambling.
Over the years I tried everything to stop. Gave up my job in a gambling club, attended meetings, used strategies i was given, like no access to keycards and credit cards, phoning friends of GA and AA (no meetings here for GA I attended meetings at AA for 12+ years.)
Nothing worked because I hadnt let it!
Honesty with myself was sadly lacking and being in denial, kept leading me to relapse after relapse, which only set me back more and more, so the helplessness that I experienced, became part of my miserable life.
In September of 97 I attempted suicide but I was saved by an inuitive friend, where I was staying.
I had decided after another miserable night out gambling, that I had had enough and this was the best thing I could do for everyone. Consequently this lead to my first attempt at a proffesional, clinical approach to rehabilitation, a programme at Flinders Medical Centre, South Australia.
Three weeks later, after a new form of approach to therapy, developed by Professor Isaccs a UK dimentia specialist, I was an out patient, and had a wonderful therapist. Yet again I started to gamble the money I,de saved by being in hospital. Always on poker machines, rarely did I gamble on horses or cards.... no interest.
In 1998 in January I had a car accident that left me feeling very lucky to be alive, and although I didnt really have a life that I felt was worth living I survied.
My gambling had eaten into 3 of my familys bank accounts, and my addiction had eaten into my brain. So much so that I beacmae more submerged in alcohol, drugs and denied mysef most things people take for granted. Food,paying bills, and respect of my family, finally diminished.All but my Aunt disowned me, leaving me with almost no support except her.
My thinking was distorted, I ignored my health and even on crutches after my accident I still continued gamble. The drugs and alcohol were to numb and dull the effects of gambling. Within the next 2 years I was evicted from my home, sold my car for a rediculous price and created an impregnable road away from my family, again, except for my Aunt.
One of the emotional lies I used to tell myself was that someone else could always fix my gambling debts and give me more money to keep on gambling. Till finally the wells ran dry. My mother died in october 1999 and I was evicted from my home in December 31st 1999.welcome to the year 2000.. It had absolutely had no meaning for me.
I still had nowhere to go as i was too out of it to do such complicated things, like find another place to live.
I was supposed to inherit my mothers house but owing to also going bankrupt in 1999 as well, my sister,s took charge of the estate and i lost it.
Consequently because of my attitude, and blindness to the real cause of my situation, I fought with my 2 sisters for my mothers house believing it to be mine. 48 hours prior to my being evicted they finally agreed to rent mums house (as they bought it), to me.
I lived in it for 12 months and my sister asked me to leave wanting the house for one of her daughters. I wasnt paying rent on time, if at all and I was angry most of the time if I saw my sister and any of my family.
I decided that my only option I could see then, was to live with my aging aunt.
I was able to store my stuff next door in a neighbors shed next to my aunt, so for the while I was ok.
My gambling and dependecy did not relent. There was some change in my gambling habit, and my drinking and drugging stopped for long enough to became somewhat clearer about what i had to do.
I had heard of another rehab centre in Sydney called Odyssey House. They too had gambling rehab programmes, so in desperation, I decided to give it a go.
I had nothing to lose.
It was then, December 2001, after 12 mnths with my Aunt, left for Odyssey House.
It was a gruelling time, but mixing with people who were recovering from all 3 addictions, (me included) I felt like i wasn't alone anymore and could identify with the residents as just normal pple with complicated problems, like me.
Leaving Odyssey House I returned home for the last time in June 2002.
I spent the next 3 years or so, like a hermit. Keeping to myself and living in my room for up to 14 hours a day just surfacing for meals at my Aunts.
Once a fornight I would sneak out with an excuse and go to the clubs to gamble on pension day.
Living this non exitantant hermits life, drugs and alcohol soon found their way back into my miserable life.
Over the next few year I gradually started to come to terms with my life and my gambling started to subside. Not totally but I was beginning to see a light.
In feb 2004, hope came in the way of the house next door to my Aunt's place where I'd stored my belongings in thier shed.... it came up for rent.
I thought it was a god send but how on earth could I afford it. I just knew that I had to get out of my Aunts place as it and she and her cat were driving me bananas..... literally! So I applied for the house from the real estate office, and got it.
I did have a job too, but after 4 weeks, tossed it in. I was not yet ready to handle real money, as it was another part of the process I had to learn, and am still learning it today.
The real value of money meant nothing to me in the past, but I have clawed and struggled my way back, and finally found a peace that at 58 means more to me than money. I take each day as it comes, gamble free, and know that my higher power has been with me all along just waiting to gently make me feel whole again.
All i had to do was stop. Like I said at the beginning, I dont know how I stopped, it was a combination of everthing, that finally added up in my life. My wonderful life now, where I pay bills on time, budget money, have money leftover and appreciate the simple things in my life.
If I was to say anything about how I stopped.. I stopped searching for the big win and transformed my obsession of trying to attain money gambling, by just letting it go, and letting my higher power in to guide me to the luck of each day. Not the luck of gambling.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
May the same Higher Power enter and guide and heal, those who allow it to.
Peace and blessings to all fellow recovering Gamblers and those, who are searching for help.
Yours in faith,
Vincent 13
xoxox
(PS:This was my story up until 2005 I started having relapses last december of 08 and have been on shakey ground since then. I am feeling each day out as it comes now, and knew I needed to get help.
Finally was lead to here.
I have my inner peace back again,after reading others posts and journals have some degree of sanity back.
I still feel vulnerable and under attack some days, but thats to be expected in recovery.
I know my feelings towards gambling will subside now, and I know I can deal with the demons on a daily basis, the same way that kept me free before I busted.
Thanx again for all your support and welcoming into the group.
TC
Yours In Faith
Vincent13 xoxox
(Its been a week this friday since I last gambled.)
Sorry you are struggling again. You do know that you can do it though and isn't that a great knowledge? I have been in Recovery since summer of 1999 and at present only have a week GF. 5 treatment centres and 100's of GA meetings. I decided to try this route.
Thank you for sharing your story Vincent, as I know it can be done and even if there are times when failure comes there is a purpose for even that. I do believe there are no accidents or coincidences things happen for a reason and it is not always for us to know what it is at the time we want to know it.
Keep coming here...wonderful people..tons of support and every now and then a tool you can use to help you.
Blessings
Mary
I'm a compulsive gambler too, an addict. This is my 2nd shot at quitting, round two. I believe my 1st go at it was achieved by using every once of willpower I had, I've also been thinking that fear was my motivator. I know for sure, I was deeply embarrassed and shameful for what I had done, I wanted others forgiveness, and much too quickly, I wanted there admiration for what I felt I had accomplished all on my on. Then resentment. Why me? Why can't I gamble like a "normal" person? I stopped, didn't I? Everyone thought it was so great that I stopped and attended a few months of some uncomfortable GA meetings. I had people telling me they didn't even think I had an addiction to gambling, you know how that goes, they weren't compulsive gamblers, they didn't want to think anything was really wrong with me, they categorized my addiction as a "problem! Enablers, I guess, huh? I know their hearts were in the right place, and it felt good to here them say they didn't think I was an addict. Calling myself an addict wasn't a problem for me, I come from a long line of addicts. But the bottom line, the 1st time around, was I thought I cured myself. Period. Gambling held no allure for me before I became addicted, I thought it was a bore. So I tried in vain, to conger up those feelings of how it felt before I was addicted...and it didn't work. I wasn't cured. There is no cure for this addiction of the mind. I managed to get a few years clean, based on willpower & fear. Then low and behold, there I was, back at it, thinking crazy, childish thoughts like, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want" & "What THEY don't know can't hurt them"... I was back at it! Better at it, I thought, knowing I'd have to be extra careful this time, tell better lies, fake emotions and feelings and moods and and and and....... I was right back where I started, trapped in my addiction, trapped in my sick mind. Looking back, I can remember thinking, "I thought it was bad before, it's much worse now" panicked, and "How did this happen again? Why did I do this to myself, again?", then I tried to cover my tracks and stop again. That didn't work, somewhere deep inside of me, I knew it wouldn't work. I'd lived the lies before, they didn't work. I was beyond embarrassed at that point, I was slipping into insanity (it runs in our family, too). I wanted help, again. I wanted forgiveness, again. I wanted my life back, again. But was I really living that 1st time around, I thought? Where's my happiness, I pondered. Why me, why me, why me.....I hated myself. If I had learned nothing the 1st time around, except how to lie better, one thing I did realize was, my family deserved the truth, I deserved the truth. I know, I know...there is no cure! I was also very mad at myself! Disgusted is a better word.
So, I spoke up, again. I told my husband the nasty truth, again. I went to some GA meetings, found this site, and started on a new journey. This journey included forgiving myself. It also included facing reality, and that was a big one for me, still is. But I'm doing better :) I'll take it! Better is good, reality is good. It feels real good to be able to let the past go, while still being able to learn from it. No bitterness about "why me", that's feeling a pretty good one, too. Life goes on, with or without gambling. Today I pick without.
And that's my testimony, so far, got a lot of living left to do! One day at a time, friends....
I rememeber a friend saying to me while I was in rehab, " Would you be in here if you had 10,000 dollars in teh bank" It was the most profound words that made the most sense to me at the time. Of coursed I laffed, and had the realisation then that gambling wasnt about the money anymore. It was about being outta control and having an emotional illness.
During a session with a therapist after I was back home, (as I still needed ongoing backup) I did a 'Pathologiacl Gambling Survey with her. I scored low and she of course was convinced I wasnt a pathological gambler. What a joke that was I thought and never went back to her again. I was a LIAR then Of course I didnt want to be in that catagory. Of course I wanted to show her that I was better. Well that day I mabe was but only for that day. Once I start gambling THE IS NO TOMORROW Right !!!! We know we are gamblers.
The lenghts I would go to, to stay in the clubs was just unbelievable. Running back n forth to teller machines fro money, not wanting to get off the seat to go to the toilet, not even allowing yself up of the seat to get a drink until i had a feature on the machine and that would signal I had the space to get a drink.
Each day my plight was to get money fro gambling. Nothng else mattered.
Even when I knew I needed cigarettes or dog food or petrol money when I had a car, it didnt dawn on me in that glazed, eye popping state of being on a spree to remmeber things like that. Just the money in teh machines and my butt on a chair was all that mattered. ONce out of the club, after total losses, the reality would hit and the remorse would start and so would the brain. wher can I get more money from. The cycle never ended for me when on a binge.
THe part you wrote Moyer about the naughty child I have thought about that often..As well as what others say to us, being well meaning. They have no idea do they. THe shame the guilt and despair become our only friends in the end, for us to wallow in. Pple mean well but if they are not addicts, or ever been hard pushed for control of something outta their control.. etc THey really have no idea.
Just a desire to give up became my only saving grace and the meetings i would go to always ened with 'and keep coming back' That to mewas someting I took on baord as after each bust my ego and pride would be there wating to stop me from returning to meetings. I didnt let it tho, thanx to that simple statement.
so yes, on here 'I will keep coming back' too.
YIF
Vincent13
Your story really hit home and made me realize I need to stop even more. I could not imagine going through what you have and I would say that god is really on your side.
Thanks for sharing and we are here for you anytime!!
Cheers Mate!
There may be times in all our lives where we fail ourselves but that is not to get us down. We are all born into sin. Pray to GOD for his forgiveness. Pray to be filled with the HOLY SPIRIT and to receive HIS strength.
GOD bless
Fortunately, I "was found," my HP stepped in and I have clean for many years now.
What brought me to Daily Strength was seeking answers for my youngest son who is disabled.
But, then, I stumbled upon the Gambling Addiction and Recovery group. It grabbed me because my husband is a Compulsive Gambler and has been for about 10 years.
Your story is compelling. It reminds me of my husband (oops, I mean my ex).
Because of your story, I was led to really pray for my ex this morning.
You see, after our divorce, which was a month ago today - we were married for 16+ years), he's moved in with his one sister.
She lives on the same plot of land as her mother and other sister. So, while not exactly the same as your situation, it is similar. He is 56.
His one sister told me yesterday that she is at her wits end with him. I have no idea how long they are going to allow him to stay on the property.
I pray that he seeks help (he has not to this day admitted he has a problem with gambling - though he has lost his family, his home, etc.).
But I know there is one more powerful than him Who can and will speak to his heart in the dead of night to let him know He does and can help him if he will only ask.
thank you so much again. I will add you to my little prayer list Vincent.
Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you [me]. One of my favorite saying.
Best of the day to you today and your day's journey. ODAAT - debs
Prayer is a powerful tool in times of desperation, and no matter how long it takes for the loved one to stumble towards the light, rest assured its the only destination thats left for their future.
I had someone praying for me, and then a whole prayer group I was told much later.
From desperation to celebration still took a long time tho.... as I poo pooed everything.
How can something as benign as a few hours gambling hurt me let alone anyone else, I used to think....if i WAS able to think, back then!
My days were filled with good intentions but always ended up the same.... I will win, I will pay pple teh money back, and i am not as bad as pple say I am... and then lose all the money I had.
I had to learn that I wasnt bad, I did bad things...! but I wasnt bad, this ongoing debilitating mental and emotional disease was.
I thank you for your prayers as i had a difficult day today, a funeral of a 1st cousin, and I felt rather vunerable after it and my 'demons' ( as I call em) thought I was weak again.
I managed to get outta town and head home safe. I went back to town to look at a car i am sure I will buy on tuesday. So I was able to reason with myself and thought that a 7 dollar cab fare is cheaper than a visit to the club.
As it turned out I got a ride from a college friend.
Again, my HP was in charge and not the 'demons'.
I have learnt that only I can choose.
So take heart and take heed, and I pray that your ex husband is on his way to a complete turn around.
Faith really does move mountains doesnt it!
There really is no other way out of an addicts dillema is there Debbie, and we can have that faith for a loved one thru our prayers and concern fro them. ( even an ex ) lol.
Thanx again for your support and your story, and stay proud of yourself, you've earnt it.
YIF xxx
Vincent13 xxx
Tough Love 'or To be CRuel to be Kind ''works.
We think we fail by not attending to the needs of others at all costs ..As I was a former co-dependent in first marriage '.
Am glad my new 'spouse 'got tough.. ''I learned to respect Him 'again..even though 'the cg in me 'was mad as a hatter ,, lol..
I have a saying'..Anyone who listens to Crazy needs counselling.. lol ..And 'I sure 'tried to 'convince many of my crazy schemes of 'wealth.. lol....
I sure liked you 'discussion entry..Thankyou.
gams5..