Please, please, please don't go. Hold on, do whatever you can to be kind to yourself and get through this overwhelming time one day, one hour, one minute at a time without making it worse by gambling. I also struggle with the holidays, and depression, and a constant desire to hide out in a casino, so I totally get that everything feels like you're in a minefield of misery right now. It's really easy to feel there's no point...but I have to trust that we can get better. and as human beings we deserve better. Please stay with us. I'm pulling for you.

wow 2015.....what i would give for that, hang in there, you know the drill, and it will hurt you so much Christmas morning if you decide to do it, be strong....God Speed

i hope that posting about your feelings helped you to get a bit of clarity, I know it always seems to help me. I’m glad you could share your feelings with us, this time of year can be difficult for everyone, not just us complusive gamblers. I’m a long time manic depressive, or rather that was my diagnosis 40 yrs ago, before gambling even phased me. I understand how real suicidal thoughts can be, and how dangerous, actually, as real and dangerous as the urge to gamble is to us, complusive gamblers. Getting through a phase of depression is mentally and physically exhausting, but it, too, can only be gotten through one day at a time. It’s okay to take time for yourself, your family can understand that. The casino isn’t a place to feel better, it will only make your depression worse. Relax your mind, calm your thoughts and know these bad feelings will pass. You know we’rehere For you.
Today I will not gamble

Newgirl
You've had such a long amount of time being gamble free - that is a gift, that I know came w/ some strength and hard work on your side.

I've got over a year and a half clean (this last go round) -- thank goodness -- and have been going to GA and working on staying clean, which really means working on myself and doing service.

The destruction and devastation I created thru gambling BAFFLED my mind. Formerly in my adult life at times I felt pretty financially savy, successful, financially secure, with a strong group of friends and good family relationships....... but not just before I got sucked into gambling.

After this clean time I can clearly see -- this addiction did not find me at a fine time in my life. I was vulnerable, depressed, bored, lonely, and a bit disillusioned with my life. Then I found gambling. Which grew rather quickly to become My new love. My new everything that I could not get enough of. That I would sacrifice nearly EVERYTHING for......

I can see now that I was ripe for the picking with this addiction.
Now I do not have the luxury of the escape. I can not check out.

I am back where I was emotionally when I started gambling, and working to change myself, create a new reality, new thoughts, new actions, and get my life back on track yet IMPROVED.

These improvements mean changing myself. And this GA program supports that change. Supports the efforts, actions and service to change me.

I wish for you to continue your push thru the urges. You have tools in place (the self exclusion a major tool) --- and I hope you have the support of friends or program to create a life you love. I am trying. I don't "love" my life yet but I do know what I am striving to attain. A life I love, and this ONLY comes if I can stay clean. Otherwise it is over for me.

And I worry about your mental state of suicidal and depressed. This is Serious. Why weaning off medication? Are you being watched by medical professional? These are the MOST important issues...... Hope you are in good hands. THIS we CAN NOT do alone.

Merry Christmas everyone! Well I made it though the last few days in tact. Did not gamble, urges are pretty much gone. I have no money anyway so I can't gamble.. That is a good thing. I have had a cough for a month which is worrying me, back to the doctor next week. So thanks for all the support I did not gamble and I am feeling better.

what if you did have money? i do, and sometimes i think its harder - i dont know - money is the means for the high, and w/o it we cant obtain it, my life has been chasing, replacing, repenting....stay the course,we all can do this
2018.....will gamble free

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIENDS!!

Just remember newgirl ...all those bad feelings you get will pass and you will feel better. Besides going to a casino and gambling is NOT going to get rid of your cough or any other feelings you have ...and actually when u lose, you will feel 10 times worse. I have some money saved now ...and it feels great. To me having a few dollars in my purse is making me feel so good. There has been so many months where every time I turned around ...I'd go to casino and then I was broke ......so sick of that feeling !!!!! As far as your pills, I have to agree that those pills do funny things to you but maybe you need to get on something else. I don't know your situation but if you were just taking them for being depressed and now are hooked on them and want to get off .....then go for it. Like I said ..I dont know why you started them in the first place. I do know we all go thru feelings in our lives ...and if you have them.....go for a walk and just breathe and tell yourself ...it will pass ...all these feelings you have will be gone and you will feel good again. Just don't dwell on things .....the words I live by are these .....it is what it is ......and if you don't like something ...change it if you can. If you can't change it .....then live with it. Something I learned a few years back ...life will fall into place and you just go with the flow. I have a cousin who gets upset about everything ....her life ....her situation and she complains constantly. I look at her and think .....I'm so worse off then you and I don't act like this and thank God I don't. I just don't dwell on the bad stuff. You say someone paid for your car ....well I think that's awesome !!! That is so great that you have a good person like him/her in your life. I try and pick out all the good things life throws my way. Now I haven't always been like this ...but after going thru a bad experience ....I now appreciate the good things. :)

newgirl55 -
We made it! One day at a time we’ve plowed through the holidays by putting one foot in front of the other with conviction, our mantra being “just for today I will not gamble”. Sorry to hear you’re sick, ‘‘tis the season”, getting to the dr’s is a very good decision on your part. No urge to gamble! That’s marvelous, even if it’s based on the fact you have no money to gamble with, stay focused, by not gambling your depression will be easier to handle, one day at a time your life can become happier by no longer feeding your addiction. We’re doing this, depressed, or not! lol hey, ask the Dr about your antidepressants while you’re there for your cough, you don’t have to do this alone.
Today I will not gamble

Each time you get through a strong urge you are a little bit stronger. Glad to see you came out the other side! One day at a time we can get through it.

Wisdom is knowing how you feel before you do an activity. I remember how aweful I felt when I was driving back from casinos. I felt like I was failing myself and my depression was DEEP. I know that if I go back to gambling in any form that I will be disappointed with myself and that I am letting down my family. I think here is a great support and I encourage anybody with this terrible addiction to come here daily and share their story or offer encouragement to others. One thing I am doing is looking at my bank statements to see how much money I actually spent on my addiction. Tonight I seek healthy alternative actions to fill up my mind and time from gambling. I hope to cook some new recipes and check out my local library. Let other's know what positive alternative activities you will do instead of thinking about or continuing to gamble.