well, its ok, of course when you get it, you will get it......this is by far one of the toughest challenges of my life.....march 3 (will be 3 mths) i feel like "i got this" and havent had a crazy urge yet, but yet im on the call every wed and i hear people who have relapsed after years...which is insane to me that i still have to be that hyper vigilant...do it, do it again and again and never give up trying

So, you got this. Don't let this addiction tell you, that you can go back, now that you relapsed and win it back, because you wont win it back. It will only get worse, trust me. Can you make it to a meeting before the call in next week? Hang in there, don't beat yourself up, please. And don't let your addiction tell you, you can go back.

I totally agree. This has been the fight of my life. This week has been hell with the ups and downs of going or not going. The only thing that is stopping me is that I believe I would get physically ill if I went and I do not believe my mind can take any more beats. Also just reflecting and being honest with myself, thinking about it my last eight trips in the past resulted in me feeling like shit seven of them. Not much of a percentage and anyone with half a brain would stop putting themselves thru this mental masturbation. I could not take a loss and do not need a win. You would think after 2 years and 2 months clean this would start getting easier but a trigger does not care how much clean time you have. It hits when it hits and all of you know how it feels. Like you are jumping out of your skin .......God Bless

You have the right attitude, a slip is only a message that your plan for recovery has a leaky place, once it is patched you will be back in motion on the road to recovery.

I personally think that we need more tools than 12 step meetings once per week. Of course there are many tools discussed in 12 step meetings, but often as things are going well, we do not use the tools we have, because things are going well. Then, lo and behold, when things are not going well, we are not practiced at using the tools.

The various tools of affirmation, mindfulness, journaling, gratitude, relapse prevention plans, goodbye letters to gambling and prayer, need to be incorporated into a way of life, not be a first aid kit that we only take off the shelf when we have hurt/injured ourselves.

Yes, it takes super vigilance for the rest of our lives. Vigilance and mindfulness is the opposite of mindless addiction. It is in being aware of our inner thoughts, outer surroundings and people around us, that we are able to learn to listen to our own needs and learn to take care of ourselves as a good parent would. Making sure that we eat right, sleep enough, get exercise, see our health providers, meet our social needs, have an artistic and emotional outlet, make new experiences daily, taking meticulous care of ourselves, Listening to what we tell ourselves on the inside and working to make those messages we give ourselves positive and uplifting instead of negative and critical. These are what makes like worth living and makes one feel alive, gambling does the opposite for me, it is shame-making, isolating, crazy-making and has caused me more pain than I have ever deserved.

speaking of using the tools we have......I recently visited a friend who has been in recovery for a couple of years (other form of addiction). Each and every morning she sat down with her readings - a little book stuffed with collected prayers and affirmations. All over the house hung plaques, posters and stickys with 'reminders' of how to live an emotionally healthy life. The one I liked best was 'your healing has already begun'. It hung in the guest bath so was in my face constantly and just sort of stuck with me. I came away with the feeling that this is a person who is serious about her recovery. It was all out in the open - no hiding, no shame. She has created an environment for herself that is healing, in itself, and left me with a reminder of what life could and should be like.