Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Warning: lots of use of the F word in this post. Please stop reading if that will offend you.
I'm starting on my 4th month of recovery soon. I was reading back through old journal entries and came across something I wrote back on day 8-9. I went through a lot of feelings that first month. I went through feeling helpless, hopeless, childish, mad, raging, sad, scared, fake, bad and many others. Below is an entry I wrote illustrating how angry I got. It should be noted that I don't use the F word that often in my daily life, probably once or twice a month. But it seemed to fit the mood I was in at the time and I just didn't censor myself. I'm sharing it because I want to show that no feeling is final. It's only been 10 weeks since I wrote this and I am in a much better frame of mind. I walked through hell trying to stay away and I'm not a particularly strong willed person. If I can do it, so can you!
Also note that I say it's 3PM and I made it because my child was about to be home and I would not be able to go after that.
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Monday update . Its fucking 3PM and I made it. Earlier today, I got dressed, got my purse and keys, came next door and got my coupon, and had the sliver of an ounce of strength to read my poem the urge before walking out the door. And it showed me how sick I am and how going is sick and I just dont want to be sick anymore. And Im pissed. My mom says thats excellent and I say no its not, I want to go. Im mad and fucking mad about the whole thing. I cant even be happy for myself because Im so fucking mad that I couldnt go. FUCK.
Tuesday and Im still mad. I want to go so fucking bad just for the relief. Its been 9 days. It doesnt seem to get better. I dont really trust myself not to go. I just need some relief. FUCK. God ive had the worst fucking day well not the worst. But just a bad day. Im so mad today. I want to gamble so bad. And Im like a child that is not getting her way and Im the mom thats saying no too. Its ridiculous how maddening this is. And through that all I managed to write my casino host and tell her I was trying to quit. And I ordered some books from amazon about recovery. Who knew I had it in me?? I also made a playlist today for trying to stay sober. Yay me NOT. I hate it all and Im just pissed. Thats all.
I'm starting on my 4th month of recovery soon. I was reading back through old journal entries and came across something I wrote back on day 8-9. I went through a lot of feelings that first month. I went through feeling helpless, hopeless, childish, mad, raging, sad, scared, fake, bad and many others. Below is an entry I wrote illustrating how angry I got. It should be noted that I don't use the F word that often in my daily life, probably once or twice a month. But it seemed to fit the mood I was in at the time and I just didn't censor myself. I'm sharing it because I want to show that no feeling is final. It's only been 10 weeks since I wrote this and I am in a much better frame of mind. I walked through hell trying to stay away and I'm not a particularly strong willed person. If I can do it, so can you!
Also note that I say it's 3PM and I made it because my child was about to be home and I would not be able to go after that.
**********************************************************************
Monday update . Its fucking 3PM and I made it. Earlier today, I got dressed, got my purse and keys, came next door and got my coupon, and had the sliver of an ounce of strength to read my poem the urge before walking out the door. And it showed me how sick I am and how going is sick and I just dont want to be sick anymore. And Im pissed. My mom says thats excellent and I say no its not, I want to go. Im mad and fucking mad about the whole thing. I cant even be happy for myself because Im so fucking mad that I couldnt go. FUCK.
Tuesday and Im still mad. I want to go so fucking bad just for the relief. Its been 9 days. It doesnt seem to get better. I dont really trust myself not to go. I just need some relief. FUCK. God ive had the worst fucking day well not the worst. But just a bad day. Im so mad today. I want to gamble so bad. And Im like a child that is not getting her way and Im the mom thats saying no too. Its ridiculous how maddening this is. And through that all I managed to write my casino host and tell her I was trying to quit. And I ordered some books from amazon about recovery. Who knew I had it in me?? I also made a playlist today for trying to stay sober. Yay me NOT. I hate it all and Im just pissed. Thats all.
It is effing tough. Man, 2live, just look at how much progress we've made. Don't get me wrong, I still get urges, but know they are not as intense, and don't last so long. Aren't you so happy you wrote those things down. So you can look back and know just how far you have come. Yeah, I had it bad. the feeling like your skin is too tight, knot in your gut, head and heart pounding. That is a huge reason I haven't been back out [I am on the 24 hour daily reprieve plan]. I just know if I were to go back out. I would totally regress, get that sick, feverish feeling - I am a true addict, and once I step foot into that casino...I am going, going, gone! So why go through all that bulls**t again? I would have to start all over again, and go through my junkie dance. NO THANKS! Thanks for the great post, love ~atticus
atticus - could you see that post written by any addict.. needing a drink, or a drug? Some days I felt like there were fingernails scraping on a chalkboard all day long and the only thing that would stop that noise was a gamble. But the urge has let up and it's a much quieter voice now. I can spend a few hours at a time concentrating on work without feeling I should be somewhere else (at the casino). I have something to be proud of in myself for the first time in a long dang time. Haha at "junkie dance" I'm going to refer to it as that from now on.
We've all felt this way, but using Atticus' wonderful reference, I'm proud to say...Homey don't do that junkie dance no more!
It does get better indeed....but we all gotta feel the pain to enjoy the gain..Hats off to everyone staying bound and determination to kick this son-of-a-bitch disease in its ass!
Love to all, Tagg
this made me laugh for literally 5 mins