was supposed to say so hard

I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling with urges to gamble. Please give each urge the time to pass. Gambling isn’t an answer to your financial problems or anyone else’s. Gambling is actually a form of entertainment that keeps casino’s thriving, and for some of us gambling is an addiction.
Hang in there and keep posting.

I found in my most successful quits, that I cannot just wait to feel better. I have to take an active role, even go into battle. I have to want to quit ---I have to make my own life worth saving. I need to engage in life, find the joys I became disconnected from again. And in the early stages, I had to believe that the tiny steps I was taking were going to transform my life. The "magical thinking" of "I can get ahead by gambling" is blinding. For me, my winnings never got much past the next place to play.
It is hard, to find other things to do, even force oneself to do, but it is worth it.
Once upon a time I believed that gambling was harmless fun. Now I know in my heart that for me, gambling is neither fun nor harmless.

If you've had a fair amount of clean time and the urges suddenly come back non-stop, it could be post-acute withdrawal syndrome, or PAWS. It's like our brains suddenly notice that we're not feeding them massive doses of dopamine anymore, so physical withdrawal symptoms come on with a vengeance, including powerful urges to go back to the old ways. It tends to happen around 90-120 days, six months, a year, 18 months, etc. for at least two years after we quit. Yuck. I have experienced it many times, and it's always more intense if I'm already vulnerable due to other issues happening in my life. Once I learned what it was, I could recognize it and act accordingly. Most important for me in those times is paying super-close attention to my self-care, including plenty of sleep and good nutrition, and to have healthy distractions at the ready - books to read, puzzles to work, places to walk, people to call, whatever. I also still have very limited access to cash in case I get overwhelmed. It is no fun, and it feels like it will never end, but it does. And I have to remind myself again and again--the next right thing is NEVER gambling, no matter how hard my inner gambler/gremlin/dopamine addict tries to convince me otherwise. Once it passes, I'm always so glad I stayed the course. Today, no gambling for me.

yestorecovery, that was very helpful. It has been a year. the last time I relapsed it was 19 months. It helps to know that this is normal and will pass, and that gambling really is not the answer even though it seems like it is. So, thank you. Today I will not gamble.

I too, experienced PAWS - until I understood what was happening I thought my brain had really slipped a cog and I was turning the last curve in the road to insanity. A sharp counselor was able to dispel those fears with information on Post-Acute-Withdrawal -Syndrome. Keep on keeping on healing57, you can get through this.