@candcand -- You need to stop. Stop criticizing yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Stop gambling. Stop harming yourself. Stop hating yourself.

You need to put something between yourself and the gambling. Do you have self-ban in your state? Can you get a payee to pay your bills and hold onto your credit/ATM cards? Can you block the online websites from your computer? Can you get rid of your laptop, except at work? You need to do something to stop yourself while you are thinking straight.

You need to help yourself with counseling. Whether GA, therapy, self-help books about addiction, this group, or all of the above, you absolutely need social and professional support. This isn't something we can do alone. You need to get yourself as much help as you possibly can.

You need to know a partner won't save you. I am engaged but he could not save me. Love is great, but you have to learn to love yourself enough first. Otherwise, you just attract fellow addicts and people who also hate themselves. Love yourself, and attract someone else who also loves himself.

You need to realize this is not easy. It's not easy to stop, but it's not easy to keep going, either. You have to realize neither road will be fun or easy, but only one road will lead to peace.

Candcand..... yes, this is your life, but it doesn't have to be anymore. You can save yourself. It's never too late.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed right now. Reach out for some help. People will show up for you, if you let them.

hugs,
Lisa

The Only thing in want to do 24/7 is breathe. I hate to say it but it sounds like you are on a self-destruction course until the money runs out and it will. Get some help and save yourself from this 500 pound gorilla on your back.

Unfortunately it is OUR life, but we will get through this..

Gambling is a secret addiction... with drugs and alcohol you can sometimes see the physically affects on people.. and love ones and relatives offer help. With gamblers, we mask our addiction to the end, with careers, homes, cars, family and no one is the wiser..

Yes the money is missing, and then the excuse follow .... " I was going to the bank with cash and it must have fell out of purse" or " I had an unexpected bill come in and that's why I am short." Etc.

We have to stop, it's not healthy physically or mentally.. I was one of those people who looked at others and said " I would never put thousands in a machine or spend back a jackpot,. But I was and I am that person..

The difference now is no matter how many times I try to stop, I am going to keep trying until I get through this, and I will get through this and so will you.

I look at the mess I made, all the loss money, but I be damn if I loose at beating my addiction.

We will get through this together.

Take a deep breath. Yes you are here like the rest of us. Some of us including myself have had several starts and stops. But the funny thing is none of us will judge you. Including the folks at your GA meeting. It can and will get better. I've gained some weight since I have stopped gambling. 63 days clean now and 9 lbs. heavier. But I know that once my brain levels out I'll drop the weight. At least stay on this site and keep reading everyone's posts. You are not alone with your addiction. We are all addicts and fighting the compulsion. One Day At A Time.

Your post evokes all the feelings that I had when I finally hit bottom and was willing to do ANYTHING to stop gambling. I knew I needed help. GA was a tiny portion of what I had to do. I needed therapy by a counselor trained in gambling addiction therapy. With her help I have been able to do a lot hard internal work that includes grief and loss, inner child work and creating the nuts and bolts of what is now my "relapse prevention plan".
I have not gambled in nearly nine months, (my longest abstinence in 30 years), because I employed and still use tools like: affirmations, face to face support group connected with counseling center, having a friend hold my credit/debit cards and checkbook, writing in a gratitude diary, hypnosis, relaxation tapes, hobbies, art, positive thinking, Louise Hay's steps to loving yourself, rekindling friendships, analyzing my triggers to gamble, mindfulness, exercise, analyzing and changing false beliefs, Daily Strength website, personal inventory and meticulous self care. There are other things such as the self-ban and payee services, education about addiction, education about healthy relationships and GA meetings. You have to find what works for you, if something is not working try something else.

GA can help you save yourself, (you are doing the saving, not GA) but it will benefit you to not put all your eggs in one basket and be willing to do WHATEVER it TAKES to NOT gamble, EVERY DAY.
You must care a little about yourself or you would not be on this site reaching out to others for help.
You will need to begin to love yourself in order to attract someone who will love you for who you are. If you are desperate for love from others you will only attract desperate people, more likely to use you, rather than love you. (Been there.)
I have been where you are and maybe lower, but it IS possible to get this addiction into a sort of remission. For me it was a battle for life and death.
Prayers and (((hugs)))