It's amazing and scary to me how it takes so much incredibly hard work to build a stretch of clean time, and then it takes no time at all to be right back down in the pit of despair and hopelessness. Addiction and depression are cruel, and they feed each other like the monsters they are. I know that dark, angry, hopeless place where you are now, and I wish you strength and patience as you figure out what you need to do to make your way back. Be kind to yourself and know that your 19 months of clean time are not gone - you can build on what you learned then and keep doing the next right thing.

Great advice and do not let a silly lottery ticket define your life. Gambling will never make you happy and I do not believe your boredom and depression is from not gambling. Try to soul search when you start feeling better and find the source of your pain. It might prevent future mishaps and lead you to a better place. We all pull for each other and have been where you are and share your pain. Take it slow and appreciate each day for its gifts, no matter how small they seem at the time. God Bless

You are more than the sum total of your bad behaviors. Each of us would give our friends a 2nd chance but it is so hard to be a friend to our selves. I have been where you are and indeed it is dark and sometimes lonely.
Sometimes people can understand if they acknowledge that they have an addiction as well, such as alcohol, cigarettes or food that is hard for them to manage. Otherwise, I figured that the silver lining was that my addiction and honesty weeded out the fair weather friends and the real friends were supportive, kind and nonjudgemental, regardless of whether they understood the addiction or not. I for one do not need "friends" who will abandon me at the first sign of trouble. I do not need someone who makes me feel small, lesser than and ashamed or generally worse for being around them. I want positive, upbeat, kind, and caring people and part of my recovery is working toward becoming the kind of person I want to be around. (Guilt is knowing we did something wrong, shame is feeling we are less than human.)
I had to learn to manage my depression along with my urges, anything creative can be a release of anxiety, anger and fear. Exercise can make you feel a little better. Telling yourself you are loved in mirror every morning actually helps a great deal as does keeping a gratitude diary. Just writing one thing that you are grateful for per day can be uplifting.
Another favorite 12 step saying I love: What other's think about me is NONE of my business.
Just getting through today is all you have to deal with right now. I am pulling for you.

I am pulling for you as well. I understand the hopelessness with this. I only had a week without gambling and I bought a scratch off this morning. I get the guilt and shame. I do know gambling is not who I am but what I do. I am a child of God who has his struggles. I believe with everything in me that I don’t want to gamble. I will not, and neither should you, give up. If we give up we loose hope and without hope what do we have. We are more than what we do. I will be praying for you.

Thanks everyone!

It’s strange how we all experience some sort of empty void in our life at one time or another. Was there a void in our lives before we became addicted to gambling? Did the addiction create a void we could no longer fill? Addictions will never lead to happiness, we are the living proof of that. Our voids could lead to feelings of loneliness or boredom, even sadness and self-hatred. . We can’t fill a void with an addiction.
You can be happy if you set your heart to it. Refuse to harm yourself any longer with negative feelings about yourself. You know we’re all here for you. Keep posting and give yourself time to feel better.
Today I will not gamble