Thank you guys!

I am not going to work today. I just feel that I need to rest and just think life over.

I spent 24hours in the casino two nights ago and lost $2400.

So far, I am $7000, negative. But you all are right.

I will speak to my landlord. I am 5 days behind house rent. BTW, I don't have family here. No friends. I've been here in Canada for almost 4 years, and it is a continuous struggle against this addiction.

I came here before as a good person, good daughter until one person took me there and it was a mess. God knows I did my best to fight this. Maybe you all are right, I just need to be strong again.

There are people back home depending on me, and will be devastated if I go away just because I mess up. Everybody deserves a 3rd chance.

Thank you all. Hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

All of you take care and thank you for helping me understand my own mess.

Dear Charmed2014,
great, it sounds like a little glimmer of your true self
the one before addiction is coming back out,
give it time and it will flourish and with GA and here
you can conquer the addiction.
It is not easy, but so very doable.
The isolation is what kept me gambling,
we simply must get out and fill the TIME VOID with
new and better choices, that is what gets the recovery going.

lots of love and strength and courage to YOU.

Charmed

Just want you to know how proud we are of you and to let you know - you are still a "good" person AND a "good" daughter! You have just been led astray by a horrible insidious disease/addiction. This doesn't make you a bad person, just a person that has a sickness that needs help.

Sorry you don't have your family there. If you go to GA, I think you will find a bunch of new friends!

So glad you are doing a little better and that you are coming back here!

Up to October, 2012 I used everything to help myself with gambling addiction. I was going to GA meeting or 7 years, tried self-Will, was writing letters to God, to myself, screamed for family support, yet didn't really cared to use it, had 6 counselors for private therapy sessions, tried 5 sessions of hypnotherapy, was locked up in mental facility for 3 days after one of my gambling binges. NOTHING worked.
In September, 2012 I was passing by cemeteries and felt jealous to dead people. At that point I believed, The only way to get rid of my addiction was to kill myself, to die. I had suicide attempt when I was 19 years old, which lead to few days in ICU, around 2 months in the hospital and then 2 years checking with psychiatrist on a regular basis. After that I knew, life is way more beautiful and we move on and only God should take our life's, not us by our own will.
In 2012 I had 7 payday and title loans, I didn't pay for mortgage for 8 months, my car was getting repossessed, I filed for 2nd bankruptcy in 5 years, failed on payments to the Trustee and got denied. Gambling was way more important. 4 days before Christmas my car was towed. It was my 3rd car repossession.
Right now my car loan is 29% financing, but I'm ok with it, as I'm ok with many other things in my life.
Payday and title loans never got paid. One of them did get judgement against me. I just went through garnishment from IRS, then from one of the credit unions, now I'm in garnishment for another 14K loan, the it would be small one 2k from another credit union, and then that title loan. I can't open credit cards, even got denied for a secured one. :)
I negotiated with my mortgage company and was able to sell my house, so I would not show another foreclosure (like it really matter now). I was just buying time, basically.
I use to live in 4 bedroom house with the pool, now I live in one bedroom apartment on a second floor with no laundry option, close to downtown. And I'm Happy!
It turned out Non of those material things ever matter. I was afraid of myself, and now I want to take care of myself.
I was concentrating on my sobriety, how many days, months, etc. instead of just enjoying a process of Recovery.
Most important, I was fooling everyone and myself first, but really inside- I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP Gambling. My life was dependent on it.
It's not a financial problem, it's an emotional problem. You have to be selfish and think about your benefit only! Stop being a caregiver to anyone else, you are the one who is wounded. And guilt is very toxic, like a poision slowly or fast destroying your body defenses. You are the one who deserve love. Your main goal is to find it within yourself. Start somewhere, because you are worth it and you deserve it. Gambling is a manifestation of destruction and death, but let it lose it significance in your mind and heart. You will be alright. I believe in you.
Vicky.

Today, I made a promise to myself to stop gambling.

Vicky is right. I should love myself before anything else.

I have gone through some of your profile and see your real pic on them.

So I decided to put mine. I am not ashamed of myself. I am a good person. It was gambling which is not good.

One day, I will go back to this thread and gonna make myself proud because I stopped it. Not because I self excluded myself, but because now I know the more destruction it is gonna give me if i won't stop.

My family needs me. I am still the person I used to be. Nothing can take the goodness in me. Not this gambling. Thank you all. You all are my inspirations.

Everyday brings a new beginning. we just have to decide to take the opportunity. Don't cheat yourself or your family of your presence due to gambling. You have to really make the decision you want to stop, i mean really stop, not just talk about wanting to stop. Thats what I have done lately is just talk about it. But yesterday, i made the decision to really want to stop...and I'm taking all the help I can get. So don't be prideful...go seek some help. Its the shame and the loneliness your feeling that makes you want to kill yourself. Once you realize there are others out there...you will not feel so ashamed. The help is there...you just need to accept it. We are all rooting for you!! Keep us updated.

Dear charmed2014,
you are a beautiful person and a beautiful soul.
you are helping us here by seeing how
someone who feels so badly can turn their
thoughts and actions around and make a difference.
Keep up the good fight.
you will succeed.
Congrats !!

Right now, my head is still spinning, how can I stretch my next pay to atleast pay off some of the debts. But I owe myself this battle, I have to win this. All of you guys here are my strength, my family is the air the keeps me breathing.

I sincerely thank all of you. This road is going to be tough, but I will choose this, as I love myself and don't want to completely loose it all.

:)

I'm delighted to get home from work, and the first thing I see is another post from you. Take it one day at a time, one bill at a time, and watch things change for you. it's best to not gamble, but more importantly, you are going to try to deal with your mess. if we all told exactly how much FINANCIAL mess we are in, it would make your hair stand on your head. I'm fixing one bill at a time: all I can afford right now. and, I had to put my bills in priority. rent, utilities, food are most important. then, car payments, credit cards, medical bills, and so on and so on. I also made payment arrangements with a couple of people I owed, and one little loan company. hang in there, you are worth the fight! if you can't pay a debt off, try payment arrangements, and keep them. ps...if that is your picture, you are a doll! (and no I"m not a freak......lol) keep in touch. you just made my day by posting.

So happy to see you posting, Charmed! I posted this morning before work and I've been worried about you all day. What a difference a few hours makes!

The finances will get better, and quicker than you think once you stop gambling. So many of us here are dealing with debt brought on by gambling - you are not alone.

Keep sharing, keep posting and most importantly, keep fighting!! You are worth it.

Hello :)

You don't know how each one of your comments has touched me. Last night, honestly, I thought I have lost my sanity. Then I started reading your comments. You all made me realized that what happened to me, is something horrible but can be forgiven. Taking my own life is not the answer. I am glad I found this website instead of finding a knife to hurt myself.

I was wide awake til 4am, crying myself to death. Talking to myself and just feeling self pity. I really thought I was crazy, then I saw your profile pics, and realized you are all real. You all are people who care for people on the same shoes. Finally, I felt that I am not alone. That I am not worthless. It was just poor judgement and decision making, and I may have not kept my promises to people, I may have failed them, but I am not gonna give them the biggest pain of completely vanishing from their life.

I am not saying I can do this overnight. I tried to stop this gambling before as I experienced having not a single dollar in pocket, no food for the day, no fare money, and almost got raped for staying in the casino after midnight. I tried before because of the bad consequences and impacts.

But today, I stop and will really try to stop because, I love myself. And the people I am hurting right now, are the ones I love.

Whatever enlightenment I have right now, I can't thank you enough!

You have thanked us tremendously by
coming back and trying again,
we learn from your courage and determination
and kind words as well.
thank you so much
for joining us in this fight to make all of
our lives better with better choices and
even better outcomes.
Way to Go !!!!

Dear Charmed2014, Welcome to our group. You can see by all the kind people who have tried so hard to help you here that this is the place to be. We have walked in your shoes and really do want to help you. Please keep coming back and you will get the strength to recover. It's not easy, It's lots of work with many highs and lows. But as long as you keep working at it I believe it is possible to get back to a good life. There are many members here who keep coming back and have years of recovery. A life without gambling is possible. There is hope! Life gets better each day when you don't gamble. Bear Hugs and Love, Cher

I feel so loved here.

Today my roommate paid me her share of the house rent.

The moment I held the $500, I have the urge to run to the casino and play.

But instead, look at this website, running through all the names that brighten my day yesterday.

I told myself, no I don't want to disappoint these loving people here. and I will no longer hurt my family by hurting myself by going back to this addiction.

Today, I am in front of my laptop, feeling I have accomplished something.

Yes, one step at a time.. :)

happy face to you! wish I could draw one.