i have lost money in gambling after all it’s a business for them, but those wins made me feel something the losses too. Over the 5-6 tears I have been gambling there was an emotion attached to it. When I would loose I felt something, I got in my car I cried I prayed I begged but over the last 6 months gambling Made me  numb. 

I was going to feel something and didn’t. I Was looking for the excitement, for a reason as to why I jeopardize everything as who I am, job,family, home car everything and I had.

I consider myself a smart women and I know additions can’t be controlled, but I still tried every time. I wanted and needed to be in control but wasn’t. 

I knew I needed to get out and I went to my therapist, ga, online forums and I tried. I pass the casino daily. I can’t go to lunch pick up my child without the pull or draw for me to go in. I knew I had to stop. So I made a choice to self exclude.

I didn’t self ban when I lost 5k in a day, I didn’t ban when I lost my daughter’s bill money, I didnt ban when I was 1, 2,3 4 months on my bills. I just went back the next day. 

I tried but was discouraged by the employees at the casino who was lazy and talked me out of it. I blamed one employee who I asked about banning and I decided not too. Everyday I walked by I thought “she knows I have a problem why don’t she say anything to me and tell me to go home”. I blamed everyone. I convinced myself that my job would want me to go to a casino and I would have to tell them and why. But 5 years they never asked so why now.

I said I was going to selfban like people say they are starting diets. Tomorrow, tomorrow but tomorrow never came. a week, a month, a year and repeat. 

So in November 2017 I went to the casino in the morning and won a few bucks a fraction of what I lost. My mood was good. I went back after work loss it all including the last little bit of money I had. This was nothing new to me it was the cycle I was on. But this day I had the strength to walk  security and say I want out.  It took 20 minutes and the employees was so helpful I wanted to give her a hug. I didn’t cry like I did when I tried to bam before.  

She was discrete about the whole thing using employees entrances. I was so thankful because I felt like I lost 1000 lbs off of my shoulders. The weight I carried was killing me literally.

So this holiday I have a lot of things on my mind regret, guilt, bills digging myself out of the 20 foot hole I have gotten into but what’s not on my is what machine I will play to win money. 

I don’t know what I will do with my time, but it will be productive. Once my bills get back on track how much can I save. 

Today I woke with a plan and I have a future. So on this thanksgiving I am thankful that I banned out of the casino.