Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
So frustrated. My husband who is preparing for inpatient treatment has been asking me for money and credit cards all week. He leaves the house saying he can't be at home " like this ", then calls and texts asking for money. Gets angry and begins to threaten. What is the best thing to do?
You say you have met with your lawyer and have taken control of your finances. You have the neighbors and family who are aware and available for help and support.
It is in God's hands now.
I commend you on your patience and perseverance !!!
Well done in a most uncomfortable situation.
please take the time to care for yourself and let things happen from here on out.
It sounds like you have done all and more than you can.
again,
I do believe your husband will come back to you stonger and better and gamble free.
give it time to happen, you've been through enough already,
I know the trauma I did to myself with gambling; I can't imagine someone who cares about me and is so close and personal watching me go through it.
I am also certain that he does feel shame and guilt about having done this to YOU.
I can't wait to hear both of your stories of recovery.
He is not usually a big drinker. Goes months without one, and then may have a couple at a BBQ or watching a game. In the beginning of our marriage he drank more at one time, it bothered me and we talked about it. It seemed a non-issue, until this recent "binge" , when there was no $. It was used as manipulation for me to come and take his keys so he could try and obtain money. If I refused he would threaten to drive. I did involve the neighbors and his employer was notified, needless to say that is no longer an issue. He sets his keys on the table immediately. If he goes anywhere after he gets home from work, he walks. I explained its not a way for me to control him, its a way that he can allow me to not worry.
He is in very deep, hence the need for inpatient.
I returned to my attorney today. I filed separation papers and my husband signed them. Gives me a chance to breathe as all current and future financial obligations are clearly stated. That was my "valentines day" gift to myself. I used to become so sad when he would not come home and be filled with worry, I'm finding myself getting angry. Very angry. I realize anger is a secondary emotion and it is most likely the sadness that is generating the anger. But, I needed to take control for me. It does not mean divorce is imminent, just that he and I have a binding contract for money ( bank accts, debt, savings, etc )..children, property, retirement, etc.
I sat with him in the car talking and mentioned a couple of credit cards he has come into the possession of, he Said," if that's what's bothering you so much take them. " I calmly said no, I don't want them because you are giving them out of obligation. But, You absolutely can hand them to me when you are committed to recovery. Until then, I'm not having any part of your threats and manipulation. I told him I'm not going to ask for the cards, if he is ready , he can let me know.
He has gone to GA meetings .At that time he was committed and doing well . i believe some groups are run better than others. A truly tragic event occured , His sponsor committed suicide, he stopped going after that.
Like I said, I worry it was my desire for him to quit, more than his. He's doing a lot of walking today and thinking.
His medical team is telling me to be strong and keep everything from him, but I almost feel he needs to come to that conclusion on his own again. This may not be the right approach, but being controlling was not helping either.
I will continue to share our journey.
He does feel incredible remorse, it is why he doesn't want to talk or be home most of the time. He has mastered avoidance.
I'm just hoping I can have my "old" husband back. Even if we are not together, it would be a joy to see him enjoying life again. This was a man who would wake up singing ( it would drive me crazy, I'm not a morning person), because he was such a positive person. He coached many of our kids sports teams (we are stopped by former players and parents who continue to thank him for his dedication and impact on the their lives), loved to cook for the neighbors, planned family get-togethers and had colleagues over for BBQs. It is so difficult to see him so angry and desperate now.
I'm hoping for the best.
You are a very strong woman. I commend you for protecting yourself and yet remaining so loving and compassionate to your husband. I hope, no I'm sure he knows how lucky he is.
I don't know how much advice I can offer you because you see I am the CG in our relationship. I can only tell you that for me I have always loved my husband and children, even when I was hurting them. The gut wrenching remorse I would feel when my day of gambling was over and I knew I had to face them was almost becoming more than I could bare. Its not that I intended on hurting them, I never intentionally set out to do that. I just couldn't stop myself from it. I cant explain it, I cant give you rationalization for it. All I know is I couldn't stop it.
Until I decided 10 days ago to stop the madness. And that was after I had taken money from my oldest daughter by going to her workplace to get it at 10 o'clock at night, I didn't really think it was that big of a deal. That's how deep the depths of this disease will take you. She makes a little above minimum wage. I make much more than that. Not to mention after I went back and picked her up from work, I took her with me so I could continue to gamble and use the remainder of her money. Seeing her sitting there at a machine may have been my hitting rock bottom. I never would want someone I loved so dearly to ever have to contend with this evil, evil disease! I became physically sick. I like all of us would die for my children, yet here I was introducing her to the devil himself! I would never introduce her to alcohol or drugs, so why was this ok? It wasn't! I came home and cried myself to sleep. I haven't gambled since that hideous night. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. I guess I just wanted you to see that this disease takes all control of rational thinking. It has no boundaries. It does not discriminate, rich, poor, men, women, healthy, handicapped, intelligent, or mentally challenged. It will take hold and destroy anyone in its path. And one thing I've realized is only the gambler himself/herself can stop the destruction. No one can do it for us. But once we truly want it, and with support such as GA, sites like this, treatment programs, and family and friends, we can overcome. God Bless you, your husband and your family. I wish you all the best.
Your reply was so heartfelt, thank you. You have no idea how helpful it is to have you share your experiences with me ( and other members). My husband went to our son's workplace a couple of weeks ago and asked for money. Unfortunately my son handed him $300.00. My son was upset later and went to the game room and got most of it back ( from his dad).
I am so amazed at your clarity 10 days into recovery. You also are a strong lady, you have chosen to begin your journey into recover and are succeeding! . I hope we can continue to find support together. Best wishes!
Visiting this site has helped me understand the addiction aspect of compulsive gambling. I'm a recovering alcoholic too, 2 1/2 years sober. I got sober after i started dating her and I rooted for her on the same recovery journey from gambling. She went to meetings off and on for 14 months and is working on getting her 30 days. She had 12 days of sobriety when she last asked me to marry her and "we'll work on this later". When we talked about getting engaged, she never saved any money and never quit gambling. She went to her first GA meeting 5 months after I gave her a promise ring, but can't keep more than 30 days.
She is really just between paydays, Since having money is a trigger for her to gamble, she would gamble away my life savings in no time at all. I've talked to the people in my Gam Anon group and seen how their spouses burn through money at top speed. They know the spouse has money in the bank, so if the spouse is saving for a vacation or a new car, you can bet that the gambler will take it from them! They will write bad checks and then beg to have the money to pay off the checks. I'd let them get charged with felony bogus check writing! and go on vacation myself! I'm not very codependant, and I'm proud of it.
Bottom line was watching her go through the "cycle" several times. I'd talk about being sober from gambling and how it was important to us to be able to get married. She would "try" (half heartedly) then she would announce that she could not fit the meetings into her schedule, they were boring and that they weren't working. Then she would propose (that I propose to her) and say why don't we just get married and work on this later? I knew how our marriage would be - I'd seen the whole picture drawn out during our courtship. It is different though, we were never married, so nothing to save. Just a course to change and then return to the right course.
Congratulations on your 2 1/2 years of sobriety.
I get the "I love you" all the time too, but not many actions to back that up. Unfortunately, the only thing he is really focused on is the gambling.
I too am a saver. I have a personal acct that he continues to try and talk me into giving him money from. I worked hard for that money and I certainly am not giving it to him to throw away.
It would be so easy if we could fix it for tham. Sounds like you invested more in her recovery than she did. I did the same thing. I have found meetings, suggested sponsors, limited the money, tried to keep him occupied, tried to get him to leave the casinos, etc. what it boils down to...they will when they are ready. Unfortunately, that may not fit into our plans.
Focus on yourself. I am in the beginning stages of this.
It's such a hard addiction to live with. An alcoholic or drug addict you can see that they are in trouble and abusing, much trickier to get wrapped up in the lies and deceit. With a gambling addict, the lies and deceit , compounded with financial issues are difficult enough to navigate. Add the emotional turmoil to that...it can be overwhelming.
It's never easy to end a relationship. We all have our boundaries and limits when in relationships. Too many people believe that they can change an aspect of a partner that they find undesirable. You are very wise! Good luck to you!