Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
So frustrated. My husband who is preparing for inpatient treatment has been asking me for money and credit cards all week. He leaves the house saying he can't be at home " like this ", then calls and texts asking for money. Gets angry and begins to threaten. What is the best thing to do?
One of the members of this site posted a message called "help lines" which contains telephone numbers of hot lines that might be able to steer you in the right direction.
I wish you the best.
Allow me to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of your husband...to tell you just how much my heart breaks that people like us, compulsive gamblers, do things to hurt the very people that love us the most. I was the CG, and my ex was beside himself trying to understand the allure of my desire to gamble hard earned money away.
In the deep throws of this addiction, we have no concept of anything else around us. We do not realize the deep, dark abyss that surrounds us, pulling us lower and lower into the sea of dispair.
My hopeful wish for you is that you find peace within your own heart, and by all means, please say no, as all the others have suggested. More importantly, LLive hits a point square on...ignore the texts and phone messages if you can, and concentrate on yourself. remember, sticks and stones can break your bones, but names will never hurt you any more than the hurt you are feeling right now.
You are doing the right thing by saying no-he'll come to understand one day, that you did it because you love him!
You, your husband and your entire family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Please take care,
Kindly, Tagg
Hang in there,
Jay
Thank you for your prayers.
Can I ask, is there anything your spouse could have done or said that would have helped you? I apologize if this is too personal. It's so heartbreaking that my spouse is about to receive help and he has become so cold and numb, saying and doing things that are becoming unforgivable.
I met with a lawyer today to try and protect myself financially. I believe my husband thinks his family will always be supportive of him, emotionally. Our adult children have had enough, and our little one has asked if we can move away from dad.
I commend everyone who is working through each day to get help. What a wonderful " community" to come together and share your struggles and triumphs with one another. This resource is so valuable for family members as well, thank you. Keep up the good fight!
Appreciative beyond words.
apologizing to this man's wife in the wake of his addiction.
The most beautiful thing about this is the ability to find forgiveness
and caring when someone is unable to control their behavior and it
hurts others.
I think it can be hard to remember that we are committed to our friends and families through the good times and the hard times and this is most certainly one of the the times that calls for compassion without being able to understand.
god bless us all and help us to keep our committments to others when we are struggling with the hard times.
When is your husband going to the in patient treatment centre, Is his bed already booked or is he just talking about it being a good idea for himself.
Your husband is in the grips of a very baffling, terrifying, insidious disease and addiction. We will do what we can to get money. We become other people while in the throes of needing our fix - which is gambling.
I am only on Day 9, so I may or may not be the one that should be responding, but I hope what I have to say helps. We try to be honest, but the addiction gets in the way. One day we are good about telling you everything and the next the disease tells us we need that fix. So once again we get on that spinning wheel of lies to try and get what we need to placate our addiction. We don't mean to, we just do. It is bigger than us, until we make the choice to try and fight it. Then we slip and fall, and have to start all over.
Your best defense is to keep your money safe. Give your husband what he truly needs to function each day moneywise. If he smokes, make sure he has cigerattes or money to buy them. If he works, and buys his lunch, make sure he has that money, etc. If he truly wants to quit, although he won't like this arrangment, he will realize it is what is needed to help combat those urges. For myself, it has been very hard for me accept this aspect. I kept thinking I could still have the money and control it. It was very demeaning to me after years of having my own money, to just give it all up, but I have to for now. I grew up with very little, and have struggled financially my whole adult life, so to give up my money creates fear in itself, but It is the only way.
For me, after I gambled alot away and had a negative bank balance, I truly think I could have comitted suicide. I felt so shamed, depressed and distraught. My husband did help me out. Was it right? I am not sure, but I know it kept me from doing something drastic. But I have never directly ask HIM for money that I knew I would gamble with. I would hope he would say "no". Hopefully I won't do that in the future.
This disease is so destructive. Because of it, if we do not try and curb it, we can do unlawful things to get money. Not because we are bad people, but because we need to feed our addiction. If that is what he is threatening, you can not let that keep you from keeping your resolve. Try and have compassion for him, but do not give in and give him money he doesn't need. He needs to go through what he is to get to where he needs to be. If he is threatening to end it all, then get him help immediately.
Please keep coming back, it is good to see your side to bring home the reality (although I am pretty aware) of the damage we do to our families. I wish you the best as well.
please ask,
it's probably just like without a FIX !!
I just relapsed after three weeks,
I got hold of money,
don't give him any money in anyway.
He's lucky to be going to inpatient.
I wish I could.
My insurance won't cover it and I can't now afford like 10K.
please just focus on the fact he'll be gone soon and
in a short while you will be talking to your old husband again,
only the new and updated and refubished version.
Do not be codependent and help him to gamble.
I wish I'd had someone who could've helped me a long time ago.
I had to wait for it to get bad enough to do it on my own.
Trust me he will thank you someday.
My husband was scheduled to leave tomorrow. Unfortunately, the insurance company has put a wrinkle in that plan. I speak with his health care providers regularly who are working very hard to get him there ASAP. He has allowed me to attend appointments with him ( when appropriate), and he has encouraged me to seek assistance for myself professionally, as well as reaching out to family and friends for support.
It doesn't look like he will be leaving until next week ( fingers crossed the insurance company approves everything).
He has asked for the help and has voluntarily agreed to go. I couldn't ask for more there.
"Like this" he describes as his head racing, aching, and needing to " get it out" , my interpretation... His addiction is getting the best of him.
He knows he is fortunate to be heading to treatment. He is in such a funk though, that he's also focusing on the lack of freedom and embarrassment of admitting himself. ( he's very anxious about the process, but hopeful )
Relapse is just a wake up call to be more vigilant. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes
When he is in the throes, he threatens to call the police on me to return his cards, to drink and drive (which i had to involve the neighbors and his work last week)to obtain money in creative ways. He involves the kids, he wakes me while i am sleeping, and pretty much makes life miserable when he is home.
I have tried to help him limit his access to money. It has come down to him only having money for coffee and small amounts for necessities. Other than that, I buy whatever he needs.The problem is, I am a saver, I don't feel at ease unless I have money in savings.He knows this, so I am his "target" if you will when he wants to feed his addiction. He makes snide remarks when I give him the money he needs( referring to it as allowance as he mumbles) . He is also unhappy with the situation. But when he is in a more rational state he agrees it is for the best.
I am in awe of your honesty. And yes, the lies are the part I find the hardest to swallow. It means I am living his reality, not the reality I should be. He has been definitely working on stating the truth and finally admitting that omission of an event or action is the equivalent of a lie. This is where I need the help the most. The lies have me questioning everything in our relationship, every trip for errands, going to work, everything, it is so unhealthy. I asked him a few days ago, " If you were leaving for rehab tomorrow, would you rather be "out" tonight, or home with us"? He said, "do you want honesty"? I didn't get the answer I wanted, but it was so refreshing to actually begin to hear truth!!
I am glad to know your husband was able to help you out of your darkness. He must have sensed your despair.
I do not want to enable. Sometimes this disease has such an impact on loved ones that we crumble too. I have been strong for such a long time that the chaos created by this feels like too much to carry alone.
I am thankful for your insight. I need to hear what you believe is the best answer...clearly limiting funds. Tonight I was not successful in doing that.
Congratulations on day#9 ! Thank you for taking the time to help me while on your recovery journey! Best wishes!
All of us are different and his responses could be because of the non-gambling, but as I was reading your post, it reminded me so much of an alcoholic I used to date. Calling me all hours of the night, being obnoxius. Whatever addiction, he is in deep.
I have never been able to go to in-house treatment, which I think would be helpful, but I do know that it is not the cure-all. It, just like GA, this site and any recovery resource, it is a stepping stone. I am sure it will give him, not only time away from the bet, but a deeper perspective of his addiction, however it will not take the addiction away. He will need to do the work himself to keep his recovery going.
He has already asked you for his "last" trip going money and is gone tonight as well? I so can relate to the wanting one more time before I quit trip. I felt that so strongly my first time quitting. What I know today, which is not what I knew then, is that was my way of saying I don't accept that I am powerless against this addiction and it has me licked. I think today, that if I said I needed one last time to say good bye, it woud have to be with no money. That way, I am really just observing how bad it is and destructive to my life and saying good bye to the machines, the people and the casino.. Realistically, what we are betting "the last time" has no bearing on anything. It won't change who I am. I will just gamble anything I win right back in. At this point, the money is just the means we have of engaging in our addiction. Is he going to any GA meetings before going to treatment so he has a support system in place when he gets back? I hope so.
You said you met with an attorney, that is good. Please follow what he or she has told you to do. The important thing is for you to protect your money so that you and your son are not left out there in the cold. Please make sure he has no access to your banking accounts. Your adult children can be on the bank with you, if need be. When he gets nasty about his allowance, remind him nicely that it is his addiction that has brought this about, it is not that you are trying to be mean. Without even realizing it, we become manipulators, con men and women, and have become very adept at making our partners feel at fault, just so we can get our fix. Don't let him put you in that place. Know that you are doing what is right for yourself, your son, and your husband.
I guess the bigger question here is: Is your husband quitting for himself, or for you (and your child)? He needs to be quitting because HE wants to quit. If he isn't, hopefully during his inpatient treatment he will come to that. If he came here, he would see that what he is experiencing, so do we.
My prayers go out to you!