This has been months coming and I have been reading here for weeks and knowing I needed to join and at least thank everyone here who has posted their story to give me the courage to stop this horrible double life I've been living and that's been destroying my soul. My story is a lot like most of your stories I've read. I had always enjoyed going to gamble with my friends, and would do it a few times a year and have a great time, and then that was it... then my father passed away, my sister and best friend fell apart, a crazy divorce, son left for college and my other two are older teens who are busy with sports and friends blah blah blah. I sold my house and had a great big equity check and OMG that was so wonderful! I paid off my credit cards put the rest into savings and had really big plans. Went to the casino (which they built a few years ago just 30 minutes from my town) and hit a big jackpot and that's when it began and I was hooked on slots and couldn't wait to go back. I would spend entire days there and wish I had a million dollars to gamble with so I never had to leave...that's so sad that I've actually had those thoughts and really believe I would have done it. It was my escape from everything. Started only going alone and and lying to everyone and gave back that jackpot and then won another and it was a big one as well. Rinse and repeat. After I had given it all back I couldn't believe what I had done, but that didn't stop me bc now I had all of these freshly paid off high limit credit cards with cash advances readily available and I went at it. In about 7 months went from more money than I've ever had on my own in savings, zero credit card debt, great credit to three maxed out cards; over $30K, no savings, and felt like I had no way out. Embaressed, lying to everyone that life was great, and I can be quite the actress.. award winning happy hard working mother of three. What a phony and fraud I had become. A total out of control Addict. Monday I went to the casino (had been every single day that week before) to self exclude and ended up spending half of my paycheck and left feeling like ending my life bc I had no idea what was wrong with me. I knew deep inside I wouldn't bc of my children, but I can't believe how easy it sounded to just get out of this mess. I read this board most of Monday night after I got home and it helped a lot, so thank you all for sharing your stories for all of us who are completly lost and feeling hopeless. Then the next day I went to my sister and let her know what I had done and asked her to come with me to self-exclude. I did it and it was so freeing and just to tell her this awful secret I had been carrying. Hard to believe that I wrecked my financial future in that short amount of time, but I'm now going to attend a GA meeting I found in town this Friday and dig my way out of this mess I made. Getting on the self exclusion list was the best thing I've done, and I thought it would be awful but it wasn't and I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders and chest. I didn't have to go back! I can't! I had no idea this was a real thing, and I sure know it is now. I became a different person and I need to get my brain straight and now to come clean to my family and boyfriend. My sister and now this board are the only ones I've told of my addiction. Today I will not gamble. Thanks for reading.
I am constantly amazed that with mindfulness and gratitude as my main tools I continue to get better. I quit smoking cigarettes over a year ago sparked by a heart attack. Three stents and 15 months later, I have had two normal EKGs and no longer need to take antiplatlet drugs. I am now contemplating giving up my 2-3 beers 3-4 nights per week, because, frankly, when I pay attention to how it...
I’ve been flying around in my head for the past couple of weeks. It’s like feeling a little bit crazy, I guess you could say. I’m okay, at least today I know I’m okay and grateful for that.Now I just feel old and silly for posting my craziness! But you know what? I’m not gambling, so I count all my crazy days in recovery as good ones.