Well today will be a true test for me. After relapsing after a year and a half of not gambling, I am currently 3 weeks today gamble free.  I so want  to gamble I do not know that I will make it through the day. First on Monday I was going to a  mental hospital, I was going to kill myself and I had a plan. Then I got a text that my 9 month pregnant daughter was being induced the next day so I did not go to the hospital in case something went wrong. She is over 2 hours away from me.  Well everything went wrong, the baby has a condition, he has 9 birth defects,  the worse being a hole in his heart that will not repair itself and he will need surgery in the next few months, but the most urgent surgery, tomorrow, is to repair and connect his rectum and stuff down there, hopefully his little heart can take it. She does not want me there because I was going to go to the hospital and dosen't want to be around me, so I have not seen him.  I have cried contstanly since he was born.  next I have a job that I don't want to go into all of the details but I am a cook and a friend of mine asked me to come work for her 30 hours a week . Not only is business not good, but there is a way she could give me more hours, but she is only letting me work 6 hours a week  she thinks I do a terrible job even though I don't, I am a very good cook/employee but in her mind I am an incompetant boob. so I go in this morning and am told I am doing dishes not cooking. there were piles of dishes, so whatever I am mad but I start doing the dishes.  then some idiot waitress comes back to the sink, keep in mind I have been crying for 5 days and looks at me and says SMILE! and I say uh no, i have a grandchild who is very sick  which I may not ever see and I am not going to smile andshe makes some rude comment about my attitude and walks away. Well that was it, I   am driving 2 hours a week to work 6 hours a week and now I am doing dishes and now I am being told to smile. So I got my keys said I quit and walked out. I wanted to floor that waitress but did not feel like going to jail.  I texted my boss and told her I was promised 30 hours I am working six and she treats me like I am an idiot.  I said I have always been treated like a star player and she treats me like an idiot. she responded that I have lost my touch am not good at my job and I am in la la land. none of this is true.   I told her she is a control freak and can't be pleased and I know what the market is for cooks and she is going to be sorry that she treated me this way.  losing that job is $50 a week before gas so I don't care. But because of my relapse I am 3 months behind on my bills and have put a plan  together that I could be in the clear by July. I don't have any debt just bills for livng, insurance mortgage, etc, that I am behind on, never the less I am just sure if I could just go gamble one more time I can get out of trouble sooner and my stress level is 1000 and I want to gamble.  I know in my heart this is a terrible idea, first I am 3 weeks into withdrawl that I don't want to repeat and the chances of me winning are zero. I just feel so bad, and feel so bad that my boss has such a low opinion of me when what she says about me is just not true.  Such a bad sad week and day.