Where do I start... because like most gamblers we all have a story. My story started 16 years ago when I learned to play poker for the first time. I remember it like it was yesterday. I went to an Indian Casino to play Bingo with my mom and cousins every few months. After bingo they always went to play poker or blackjack. I knew how to play blackjack but it never interested me. But as I sat to watch my cousins play poker and learned the game I was hooked. Soon I was not going to play bingo but rather to play poker. This was the beginning of my addiction. Since the Indian Casino was pretty far I only played poker every few months. But I always felt anxious when I knew we would be going. Soon I learned there were several poker casinos locally. I remember walking into the casino for the very first time. My heart pounding as there were so many people and so many games. Now I could play on my lunch break, after work, before work and on weekends. I really didn't feel I had a problem. Because I was able to stop after I was married and the birth of my daughter. I told myself I was cured and no longer a compulsive gambler. Boy how wrong I was!! I loved my husband and my daughter but the urge to gamble was so strong. I think I was suffering from post postpartum but I never sought help. I just new that gambling made me feel better. I would sneak out for a couple of hours here and there but mostly gambled while at work on my lunch hour and a few hours after or before work (I started to lie to my husband about work and going out with friends). I was a great mom when I was present. Then the unexpected happen. I was pregnant again three months after the birth of my daughter. I gambled throughout my pregnancy. This was a time when smoking was still allowed in the poker rooms. This could not have been good for my unborn son or my pregnant self. But the demons within made it so hard. At that time I knew I was a COMPULSIVE GAMBLER!! Thank God my son was born healthy but only 6 lbs. I blamed myself that I was not taking care of myself. The stress , the depression, the lack of appetite all attributed to his low birth weight. I made a promise to God that I would never gamble again and I would be the best mom possible to these two beautiful children he had given me. Like most gamblers we always break our promises. I loved my children and even my husband but this monster inside me was pulling me to gamble. I broke my promise within three months. It was at that time I couldn't even hide the fact I was gambling from my husband. I was broke after payday and he just didn't understand it. He knew I gambled when I went with my family but that was not very often. I could no longer hide the fact that I was gambling several times a week at the local poker room. He caught me at the casino one day when I lied to him I was going out with my friend. He knew now and gave me an ultimatum. Stop gambling or he was leaving. My daughter was 18 months and my son was 6 months. I think that was the day I suffered emotional breakdown. But again I never sought help. I told myself I do not want to lose my husband and tried for the next six months to be sober. But the fact was I was miserable. I felt like a caged animal with my every stepped being watched my him. We argued because I was angry, mad, and depressed. I couldn't get a grip on my emotional state of mind. Needless to say we grew apart. Emotionally he also suffered and sought comfort from a co-worker. I am not sure how long he was having an affair but it was the demise of our marriage. We separated 3 weeks after my youngest sons birthday. The children were 1 and 2. I moved in with my parents. Before separating my husband told my parents about my gambling. So when I moved in with them they kept a close eye on me but in a loving way. By this time I was severely depressed. They urged me to seek medical attention but I told them I was depressed because of my separation and now being a single mom with 2 babies (lets be honest I was mostly depressed because I knew it would be very difficult to gamble now). For the next two years I gambled on and off but not as freely as I was able to before. I know had a paycheck and child support. I rented my own apartment and now had the freedom I wanted to gamble on the weekends my children went to visit my ex-husband. It was the best of both worlds. I was a wonderful mother Monday thru Friday and a compulsive gambler on Saturday thru Sunday. It was at this time the gambling spiraled out of control as I binged one whole weekend and my parents and siblings were terrified trying to find me. It was also that weekend that I committed my first illegal activity. I forged a check to cash. It didn't take long for charges to be pressed against me. My parents were now involved since I needed them to hire me an attorney. I told them somewhat of the horrid circumstances. They never judged me. They stood by my side. However right before my first court hearing I had a severe mental breakdown. I knew I could never hurt myself but thought it was be better if I was hurt. My sister immediately drove me to the nearest mental health facility. I was admitted and for the first time sought treatment for my mental health and my addiction. Although I was the first gambling addict they were treating I attended their AA and NA classes. The concepts they felt would help me to understand the 12 step program. For the first time I was prescribed medication and was surrounded by people that were suffering from addiction the same as I was. Although their substance abuse was different than mine I felt I was in the right place. At that time my ex-husband (was very sympathetic). He never visited but was arranging care for my children with my parents. I thought he could be his perfect opportunity to take the kids away from me but thank God for his loving mother (who I still adore to this day). She told him he was never going to take the children away from their mother. He mom was his everything and listened to what she had to say. I was in a 30 day treatment program. I thought it was a great escape from the reality of my world on the outside. In treatment I just had me to concentrate on. The judge in my case issued a continuance due to my mental state. But I knew eventually I would have to face my legal problems. But while in treatment I tried to absorb all the information I could about addiction. I met with a Psychiatrist, Psychologist and licensed therapist. For the first time I was getting the mental treatment I needed. I was not bipolar but definitely suffered from extreme highs and lows of depression. After two weeks sober I was feeling better. Clear minded. Scared and now ashamed. My parents, family, siblings, cousins all came to visit me while in treatment. No one judged me. No one was angry at me. I felt nothing but love and support. How could I have done this to them and myself? I did not allow them to bring my children because I did not want to breakdown seeing them. I know this chapter of my story will be hard to comprehend but it was during treatment that I met my future husband. He told me he was there for alcoholism but in reality was there for drug abuse (I learned this one year after we began dating). We were inseparable in treatment. The counselors soon suspected that we took a liking to each other and frowned upon it. I remember a therapist actually told us that two wet noodles (US) would never make a healthy relationship. We ignored the advise and after leaving treatment we began dating. We were both sober. I tried hard to keep my sobriety. I found a GA Meeting and my own psychiatrist. He told me he could control his addiction like he had in the past. Our relationship because serious as soon as we left treatment. I told him about my pending legal matter but I did not go into specific of the case. Within two months I was in court pleading to the judge for leniency. My attorney presented the court with my addiction issues and treatment course I had completed. I was attending GA and seeking mental help. The judge did not dismissed the case but the charges were reduced to a misdemeanor and I was given restitution. That was a very scary situation and again vowed to never gamble again. My relationship was great. I was with a person who understood addiction. The knew how I felt and we provided support to each that no one else could understand. I grew deeply in love with him. He had three children (full custody of one) and I had primary custody of my two children. We spent a lot of family time and a lot of alone time. We had fun. We enjoyed each others company. I had no desire to gamble. I was sober and life was wonderful. I got a new job one month after treatment (still working here today). He was working a local grocery chain (and still works there today). Were were both functioning working addicts. We both had great jobs. We decided to take the next step and buy a house. Me buy a house. The year before I never had one dollar in my purse and now here I was buying a house. Life was great. We found our dream home with swimming pool. Our lives thrived. We were blessed to be pregnant with our first child together (although we were much older now). However i still believe she is our miracle child. His children were all grown and my children were now 11 and 12. When I was 8 months pregnant we got married. I was one of the happiest days of my life. All was great after her birth. My work industry was thriving and I was making more money than I ever did. The problem is neither my husband or I ever had good financial planning experience. If we had it was spent it. We bought a boat, we bought an RV, we bought anything the kids needed. We spoiled our children and ourselves. My children were attending a private elementary school and high school. Life was good for about 3 years. Then the real estate market crashed. My income declined and that same year my husband suffered a severe medical condition. The stress to make extra money was overwhelming. It was at that time that I broke my sobriety. I had been sober and off anti-depressants for several years. Now the anxiety of financial pressures lured me in slowly to my addiction. I was always the breadwinner in our relationship. My income was significantly higher than my husband's. However now with his illness we relied on his disability. My income was no longer enough to support the household including our luxuries. The stupid mindset of a gambler. If I could just win such and such amount every month that would supplement the income we were losing due to the disability and my work decline. My husband did not know I was gambling. I started to lie to him and tell him I had part time work for some of the officers in my work. I would head straight to the casino for an hour or two to hopefully make a few hundred dollars. It worked I was supplementing my income was gambling. But soon the those hours turned into four of five hours. My husband knew something was up but he could not prove it. I was paying the bills. This cycle continued for two years. But soon the situation turned dire as the longer I stayed the money I had won in the first few hours would be gone and I would now be chasing my loss. Day after day I chased my losses. Now the bills were becoming late. My husband returned to work but his illness had him missing work every few months. His illness was a roller coaster we never got off even to this day. The inconsistency of his work and my work industry gave me such anxiety. We needed extra money and now I was spending money we did not have. I should have sought medical help at that time. I should have sought out GA for help. But I didn't. Again the gambling spiraled out of control. My husband called me out several times and I lied to him each and every time. I blamed his illness, the real estate market, my 1st ex-husband for losing his child and no longer providing child support for my older children. I blamed everyone except myself. In 2012 my husband's resentment towards me scared me enough to want to stop gambling cold turkey. I did not seek mental treatment nor GA. But I knew I didn't want to lose my husband, my family nor my home. However we were very distant. Even thought I was not gambling I was very very depressed. We lived this way for over a year. We tried to remain normal during this time for the sake of the children. In 2013 like every year we planned a trip to the same RV park we have been going to since I was a child. My brother and several cousins accompanied us. It was during the 2nd night that I got news that will change the rest of my life. My cousin received a call from my sister that my mother collapsed while on vacation in Laughlin. She was rushed to the hospital. We were told that my brother and I should get there immediately. My mother was only 66. Her health was not great. She suffered from CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) but she had been in the hospital several times in the past year for this condition. Every time in the past when I got to to the hospital to see her she was sitting up telling me she wanted off the breathing machine and wanted to go home. One time she told me she had to go to bingo tomorrow and couldn't stay overnight in the hospital. Surely I thought this time was like the others serious but not fatal. She was is in Laughlin celebrating her brother's 70th birthday. She is in Laughlin with her brother and sister and also my sisters (her daughters both nurses). My brother and I tried to get a flight to Laughlin and knew we would get there and my mom would be sitting up wanting to go back to her casino to gamble. However God had a different plan this time. As I was begging the Ticketing Manager to please get us on the plane that was departing in 10 minutes I got the call from my husband. The call I will dread for the rest of my life. The call the changed the rest of my life. I dropped to the floor crying in hysterics. My poor younger brother (late 20s) dropped with me and we just wept for my mother. We were stuck in this airport in a different state than my mother. The Ticketing Manager helped us to a private room. We would not make the flight that was department but they would get us on the next available flight. They did as promised and we arrived at the hospital moments before the mortuary would have to pick her up. My poor lifeless mother. I never felt so much pain in my whole life. We wept for my mother. For several days we stayed in Laughlin to make arrangements to have my mother transported back to California. After her funeral I left like a part of me died too. She was not just my mother, she was my best friend, she was my confident, she was comfort, she was my everything. My husband though distant stood by my side. I could feel his resentment even after my mother's passing. The next month we fought constantly. He would take off and do his thing and I would watch our daughter. Or I wild leave and he would watch our daughter. It was during this time that we stopped talking. I was grieving. I could not deal with all the pain I felt from the loss of my mother and the stresses of my marriage and the finances. I started going to the casino regularly to forget about all my problems. The only problem is the financial problems got worse, my depression grew worse and my marital problems grew worse. I told myself I was only gambling to escape the problems in my life (which essentially is the truth). I had another breakdown the following month. This time I sought medical treatment. I did not go into an in patient treatment instead I opted for Psychiatry and Therapy. I immediately went back on medication. This helped with my depression and anxiety. My sister and I even joined a grieving 8 week class. Once I was stable again I knew I had to separate from my husband. I was not going to get the ongoing support I needed from him and felt that if I continued to live in the household my mental health was at risk. I separated from my husband. My oldest daughter was living with my first husband, my son was staying with my dad and I moved in with my sister. My daughter and my precious Yorkshire Terrier moved with me. I felt a great sense of relief. This was the new start I needed (or so I thought). My sister has children and a daughter the same age as my daughter. My daughter was happy knowing we were living with her favorite cousin. For the next 8 weeks my sister and I attended grieving counseling. It helped alot. After the separation my husband changed his work schedule so that he could spend time with our daughter. He would pick her up on Saturday afternoon and keep her until Monday when he took her to school. I know had two free nights with nothing today. The first few weeks my sister and I would spend a lot of time together. I would also spend time with my son and dad. We were all still grieving. I have a large family. I have 3 sisters and one brother. There are 17 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild. So needless to say life had to go on for the sake of the children. There were birthdays and holidays. There was my parents anniversary (49 years) and her birthday (67 years old). These were hard times. But still I remained sober. Soon though I grew restless after my daughter would leave to visit with my husband. I then started gambling a few hours on Saturday. I told my sister where I was at so she didn't worry. It took exactly one month and I was gambling all night until Sunday mornings. She never said anything. She told me it was my money as long as my bills were paid and I paid her rent. It didn't take long for my gambling to become compulsive. My gambling is out of control. As of today I am broke. Went to the casino almost every day last week chasing months of loss after loss. I am at my rock bottom. I am lying to my family. I owe a lot of money today for bills and cannot pay anyone. I am sick and ashamed!!! Today I admit I am powerless over gambling and my life has become unmanageable. Thank you all for taking the time to read my story.