Toey,

I am here everyday but at the moment not posting a lot because of personal workload. But I come here for my daily strength and inspiration to stay strong and stay on the right track. I honestly take exception to your first item listed that you went to the C because you "felt the caring had stopped here" because only Tagg responded to you...REALLY?? This site has so much to offer aside from a daily pat on the back that you are doing the right thing. It just kind of got my goat that you would say something like that. I can see how the other things on your list may of pushed you over the point of giving into your urges...those are all reasons why we escape to the C. But I think you should reassess what the purpose of this site is to support and give inspiration, not be responsible for someone giving in because the site did not meet your expectations. Further, commenting on a win and leaving is not helpful to a lot of people here who will use that as their excuse to give into an urge. We all know that a win will only be used to give back on the next trip...it rarely if ever goes to pay the groceries or the electric bill.

Just my thoughts and didn't want you to think no one cares to read your posts.

Howie

Hi Toey,
Yeah, its hard to stop gambling when you're winning.

Every single time I headed into that casino it was because I carried my sick butt in there ... regardless of the reasons or excuses I had ... and there were many of them!

Im only on day 2 here of not gambling and Im the most depressed Ive been in a long, long time. I hate it !!

But , Im not goin to the casino ... I may stay in this house and isolate myself and be miserable all day long, but Im not going to the casino!

Hang in there Toey, I know its ruff.

Toey,
I think your post tells more about our disease than you probably even meant to. We or I should say (I) struggle with the inner emotion of peace and happiness. I seem to look to others to find that satisfaction of wanting to be told how well I am doing; wanting the approval of others. We are good people and have a lot to offer. Sometimes I feel that I didn't get what I wanted by coming here but I have to remember that maybe on that day I was here because someone needed my thoughts to get them through the day. Don't beat yourself up over your relaspe, use your increase in finances to do something positive to keep you on track. Just tell yourself today I am not going to gamble. I will use my time to be productive today. Hang in there we will get through this!!!!!

Toey, first of all - I like your avatar (Its quite late to say, I am looking at it for around month and a half, but...) and I like your attitude, you have nice, young, positive energy coming from your posts!

I really hope going back; winning and all will Not send you for another spin down.

I am glad you understand it was You who allowed your lapse happen and its You and no one else who let your recovery to be sabotaged.

I use to blame everyone and anything in my lapses and relapses. When I relapsed after 7 month of abstinence I blamed one of GA members, who was literarily irritating the heck out of me. I was concentrated more on his flosses and imperfections, then on continuing my recovery.
After I had 4.5 month of recovery I blamed circumstances: Falling through the roof, problems with cable, internet, cell phone company, family car accident, husbands major dental work ($$$), husbands MI and heart surgery, my heart problems, his relatives "I don't care that much" attitude in his recovery, stupidity of front office girl, who sent us to the wrong doctor and even different town for first follow up after ICU, blown tire on a highway getting there. Yes, I justified my next relapsed, which just ended up now, after 3.5 years of HELL.

And you know why, because I was not ready.
Ready to quit destruction and Gambling being my number one comforting friend, my family and my God.
It took me a while to admit - I am an Addict! I thought its something really bad.
But if you know someone who is diabetic, does the Diabetes justifies their character or who they are in Life. No!
Same thing with being an Addict. It is a disease like any other chronic disease. If you are in denial or don't want to be fully aware of what it does to you and don't want to take on the prevention or treatment options, it will eventually kill you or leave you to be dysfunctional vegetable (that is my biggest fear).

This time I am aware and I am not in denial anymore, and I know my treatment options, And I will not let any disturbances to sabotage my recovery and distract me on my way to Myself, who I am really are. It is very hard and I get sad and get bad urges too.
But I know its just a symptoms and it will pass, but better will come and even if better is not monetary or success you can touch, it will be a Peace inside of me, my soul and my heart. And you can't buy it for any amount in the world.

As of lack of attention on DS, check your hugbook too. Sometimes instead of reply on your topic your get a Hug, which is sometimes feels even better.

Love you all, Vicky

Vicky,

Beautiful post! I believe you sum this up perfectly...when we are in denial we look for any excuse to get back there...doesn't matter how far removed from reality that reason is. When we finally accept our condition and focus on getting a better life, more positive events will begin to take over our lives as well and we feel the rewards of recovery. It doesn't happen overnite for sure.

We must all stay strong and take one day at a time to move forward.

Howie

Toey, my man, I know you. It is always all about the girl.
As for responses to posts, I usually stick with what I know. If I remember correctly your last post was about stocks and roulette
and you also walked away that time. I do try to post if I have anything to add to the conversation, or constructive, or encouraging. Funny that I often think I am a thread killer. Sure, there are times that the board Is so quiet it is discouraging, but as a very wise woman told me, that these things go in cycles. Sorry you feel no one was here for you, but at least it was a convenient excuse. Unless I missed one I think that post was 3 or 4 days ago. Hope you make this your last trip, if that's what you want. Peace ~atticus

Toey and Team,

We are dealing with a life and death situation because of this illness. Issues will always be there because of what we put ourselves into. Excuses are part of the game and should be addressed, gambling should not be considered as an option anymore.... It is completely out of the picture. We can fight this, one step at a time.... Really tough but we have to face the repercussions of our own doing.. Fight if you believe, otherwise....just a never ending cycle of what ifs...

Howie - your attitude is understood. Like I said in my post, it was an excuse I used to gamble, and nothing else. When I did my last post, my own personal feeling (rightly or wrongly) was that people had felt I had recovered 'enough' and was now just rambling on about whatever. I guess sometimes I just need reassurance.

happycamper - good to hear from you, I'm sure you will find many ways to keep yourself busy within your own home!

pjdaily - you are right. I wrote my post to express my true feelings, which I had hoped would convey how I really felt.

Vicky - thanks for your post. I agree that there is a sense of peace within oneself when abstaining from gambling. Whenever I used to gamble I would feel 'dirty' afterwards. I found myself washing my car, perhaps as a symbolic way of cleansing myself.

Atticus - haha you know me too well. I must admit, I have poor coping strategies when it comes to girls. I just wish I could find that one person who likes me and I'd never look back at gambling ever again.

Firstday - you are right. I have now removed my credit card from my wallet, so no more temptations.

It could be so easy to go back now being you won $300.00. Its almost like, "why not". Well, why not is a question that you already know the answer to.

Whatever you do, don't use the $300.00 win as an excuse to go back (i.e. "I'm on a winning streak!"). Been there done that.

Life is full of triggers. It's how we handle them that makes life either enjoyable or miserable. I chose to live life with all of its challenges in the most positive way I can. It's been hard to "check into" life when I used to just zone out of living. It's been difficult dealing with things and overcoming my anxieties to get through each day. I've spent years building a wall, a fortress, a means to protect myself from disappointments, regret, fear, anger etc. Gambling was one of the weapons in my arsenal that I used to cope with loneliness, aggravation, despair. We all need coping mechanisms to survive, but we just need to realize that gambling just makes matters worse. I hope you do come to see that watching the roulette player make random statements as to the outcome of a random game is insanity at it's finest moment. One I stopped gambling I was able to live outside of the bubble and recognize how dillusional I was.