Having such a hard time quitting this time. I was so lucky the first time I quit it seemed so much easier and I went 19 months and I thought I was "cured". I keep saying that is the last time and then I go again. It is a long way away, 5 hour round trip and I hate every minute of it. What is wrong with me?  Every time, I think Have gone nine or ten times, I go I come home and write out a detailed plan how I am going to dig my self out of the hole I keep digging. How I can pay this bill this day and this bill this day and if I stick to the plan I could be back on track, well now I am looking at August. Than the whole plan ges right in the trash the minute I go again, and always lose. The magical thing of if I could just win once I could get out of this mess is keeping me trapped in this cycle.  I gambled on Tuesday went to a support group on Wednesday and to GA on Thursday. I Quit going to GA one week before I would have gotten my one year pin. I didn't think I needed to go any more I was better. Ha! I was so embarresed to go in there and admit I lost 19 months abstinince. I am glad I went though. Don't know what else to say don't know what to do. Know what to do and don't do it. I gamble instead. I just went off of some medication that I am sure is the root cause of my major depression. It has been 3 weeks and though I am suffering a lot of withdrawl I do feel much better. The constant, for years, suicdal thoughts are gone so maybe I can start thinking clearer and making better choices. No one in my personal life knows but every one in my groups and my counselor and doctors know.I really want to quit. I really want the last time ti be the last time.