I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. Yes, i went on a bender at the casino and lost our last $200. I am 43 and have no money. I have two kids, who have tons of stuff, nice clothes, don't need for anything. I just hate that it's another Christmas that i don't think I'll bother with a tree as i can't afford it and there is nothing to put under it. 

My husband has had a trucker license the last couple years but can't hold a job. Last year he went on the road with his dad, the truck blew it's engine one month in, and then he looked for work again for months. He'd find a job, but his health sucks, and it would last a month. The recent one, another month long endeavor, required him to work 24 hour shifts while driving hazardous materials (acid tankers). Given he spent 3 days in the hospital twice bc of heart arrhythmia, and has PTSD, and extreme nerve and back problems, that kind of stress will honestly kill him. 

He got a paycheck, his second one at this job, Friday and after bills and filling gas tanks and some groceries we're already busted. I have been on him about ridiculous spending, like $80 toward xbox games and taking kids shopping for furniture and he wanted a juicer. It makes me mental! I was meeting him at the gym and felt i would stop at a gas station to turn in a $2 winner and buy a $2 ticket. He happened to be there, buying me a lotto ticket.

We were both amused that we landed there at the same time wth same thought. I didn't win, of course. Bought a second tight ($5), won my money back. I am so stressed out about money that i said just cash it, lets go. 

He put it in my head that it seemed like a sign that we're there serendipitously, buy a $10 ticket! That lost. Buy another! Loser. He was over it, but now I'm down $20 and it says 1 in 3 odds on back. What happens? I spend $80 to finally win $30.

That sent me on a spiral. I was so so so angry. I hated myself for losing $50 now that we have no savings, and no idea where our future income will come from. 

After the gym, my brain lands on the $30 freeplay i have at the casino. I head there, determined that something magical would happen in the holiday spirit and that i wouldn't touch our last bit of money. So sad that a couple hundred dollars was all that was left. 

As a gambling addict, of course that promise was bullshit. I won my $50, then lost it, then started losing what was in my purse. I put half of what i had into the machine that had been winning for awhile, then went tragically cold. Now I'm angry. Again. I move across the aisle. Guy sits down and it starts hitting big time! Super win and bonus within bonus. I am screaming inside at this torture.

Husband realizes when I'm not answering his calls where i went. He hunts me down, screams and berates me publicly. He grabbed the money for our car insurance i had in my wallet and stormed off. I was now justified to say fuck it, i will stay. I drew out the money for groceries on my bank card. Of course i lost. 

That sad amount of money wasn't going to buy gifts and a Christmas tree, but it was going to feed our family for a week. I've taken a bad situation and made it 10x worse. I hate myself and found myself crying in the shower that once again it's Christmas and just like last year we won't have anything. 

I have a part time job that has over hired and become no time job. I have a website that hasn't sold anything lately. I have an expired nursing license that i didn't do anything with after my dad had a stroke and i had to take care of him.

Sigh. I realize this is likely a great big pity party and i am making excuses. I just needed to get it out of my head and frankly none of the like 2 friends i have really want to hear this sad melodrama.