I'd never try to say that I understand what you're going through because I don't. I sympathize with what you experienced at 14yo. That wasn't fair and it wasn't right. No one should ever have to see what you did. When that dark cloud comes over you maybe it's a good idea to remember the emotions you felt when you found your father? Do you want to put someone else through that pain?

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles mentally. They are certainly warranted given the circumstances. I believe that if you post on this board there's a strong chance that you've been in that dark place. I know I have. I never considered suicide, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think that many of my self inflicted burdens would be lifted if I wasn't around. How awful is that?

As a person of clear mind now, I realize how self centered that thought was. Sure, I could off myself. That seems like an easy way out. But then who and what do I leave behind? A family who loves and cares about me. A mountain of debt to those I love with no means. A life I chose not to take control of. The opportunity to fix the mess I made and make something of myself. The ability to pay it forward. A chance at happiness.

This isn't a one day or one decade battle. It will go on and on and on. I'm not a spiritual person. When I pass I believe that's the end. For that reason I believe you get one chance at life. It's up to you to make the most of it.

Be strong, keep fighting. Don't let those dark moments control your life. Rise above them. You have a choice to continue living. Maybe it's time to shake things up a little and find what makes you happy or new outlets that help you fulfill your time?

Sending good thoughts your way today newgirl. You're not alone with this battle, just know that.

You, my sweet kindred spirit, are worthy, you noted family, grandchildren, friends. You have so much to live for. I am sorry you are in so much pain. I do hope, you open your eyes in the morning and see the light, feel the sun and love yourself. You are not alone. The pain you feel for the loss of your father is palpable. Its real. No matter how much time goes by, I'm sure it will stay with you. Please try and stay strong, and remember, how you feel today would only multiple if you did something to yourself and pass on to your loved ones. I pray you can tell yourself, "the buck stops here." No more pain. Stay strong, you have a lot to give, I can tell just from your post, you are priceless. Reach out to others who suffer, share your stories, say them, loud and proud, not only will you begin to heal, but you can help so many others. Hugs.

Newgirl, I can not imagine experiencing what you have but I understand how dark the days can be daunting. I read a story recently (historical fiction) where there was a passage in that talked about the terrible things that happened to those people who dreamed of a new life in the western frontier. They suffered sickness, loss, hunger & violence....the message in one part of the story was this.....every day - when you rise - you are one day farther away from those bad things that happened to you. Keep fighting, keep sharing and keep your mind on those people you love and that you don't want to hurt them like you were hurt because they would be devastated beyond words to lose you. {{Hugs}}

oh my ....so sorry, so tragic, make your life an example of sobriety and love

Oh dear, Newgirl, please take some steps to protect yourself. Maybe put some stickies with suicide prevention hotline number on them around the house. 1-800-273-8255, call them if you need to, it is 24 hour/7 days a week. Try some artwork or art therapy, talk therapy and/or Louise Hay on loving yourself. And/or Penny Parks on healing the wounded child. Talk to family or friend about this difficult time, plan something on the anniversary that will make a better memory for that date. Do whatever you can to keep on keeping on. You are important to others and suicide is a very selfish act that does not consider those who love you. (As you well know.) Hugs and prayers.

Suicidal thoughts are horrible to experience, I know because I’ve experienced them before. Mine could be nagging at me to the point that I was not only emotionally drained, but also angered by them. I wondered why they could invade my brain when I needed it the most. And then they would subside, just like that, making me believe it was just part of who I am, part of my depression. Still they’re thoughts, just thoughts that don’t have to be acted on. Talking to people, who try to understand, has always been helpful for me. But I know it’s almost impossible for someone to understand unless they’ve actually been there, thoughts, so individual.
Suicide is not a good option. Suicide is not an option. Save it out loud, or in your head, say it, then repeat it. Fight a bad thought with a positive one. We have the power to change what we’re thinking. Keep reminding yourself that even though you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, they are only thoughts, not an option. No matter what, don’t give up on yourself.
One day at a time.

I agree with qwit .....do something fun on that date. Take the grandkids out to dinner or have a big family dinner out. Do something good so that you will remember it with a smile ...of course you will never forget but also that it can be a happy day too. I'm sure your dad would want that more than being sad. My mom passed on Feb 8.....I hate that date. I feel when it comes every year that I don't even want to acknowledge it. It's just another day because it doesn't take one day to remember her, I remember her without it. When her birthday comes, that's the date I feel is better for me. I guess its just my way of coping. My brother is going thru a very hard time now and he told me he wants to just end it all. I talked him out of it and that he got a lot to live for. I have a friend whose dying right now with cancer. How she wishes she was in his place no matter how bad he has it......she said she would trade places in a minute. I have one piece of advice .....don't give in to it newgirl ....say I'm going to be the one who breaks this curse !!! I will not do what my father and his father did ....I will rise above it. So plan that dinner now or whatever will make you happy and DO IT. Start doing things that make you happy !! Your dad is up there betting that you are stronger than he was and that you will make him proud !! Don't give up !!!

You matter.
Sending you love.

It struck me that you may not even know how you effect others in such a positive way -- someone you pass in a store and share a smile, a light touch or hug for a friend, of course the grand children.
I am certain you make this world a better place.

Depression SUX and I appreciate your honesty and sharing the struggle.

You matter.