7 DAYS!!!!! Way to go! So much of what you wrote rings true for me too. The "money is not real until you leave" is so true. I would say to myself "how can I sit here and blow through $600 in 4 hours when I would never go to a mall and spend that on purely "fun" things for myself?" I was similar to you, I started with around $200 in the beginning and would leave if it was gone. By the end, I was spending up to $600 a day, at least 3 or 4 times a week. Pardon my french, but that is a shitload of money. And I only stopped at that amount because that's all I had access to, with limits on my debit card and my credit cards were getting close to max or already maxed out. I would leave the casino feeling nauseous, anxious, numb, and just sick to my stomach with a heavy heart most times. At the end, even if I "won" for the day, I had either put it all back in, or I realized that if I left the place with $400, I was only going to go back the next day and lose it. This realization, that I will never be able to "win", meaning get that high of thinking I beat the casino again, was part of my bottom.

We all heard stories from other gamblers of how they hit for $16,000, or $8,000, and hoped that we would, one day, put a 20 in and hit that kind of win that would help us pay debts, get even, whatever. For the last year or so, that's what my goal was being in there. In the meantime I was escaping the destruction that was happening in my marriage and family. As long as I kept my eye on the goal of hitting that big win, everything else became secondary in importance. How much money I was losing was irrelevant at the time. All that mattered was that I had more time to work on my "goal" of that jackpot and more time to be numb to feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety and dread. I'm with you mcd, I don't miss those awful feelings of leaving the casino, the guilty conscience, the sleeplessness, the lying and cheating that is NOT my true character, and everything else that was part of the price I paid to gamble. Sometimes I miss the escape, but I am finding other ways to escape, some healthy and some not healthy, but I am working on it. One day at a time sister! Big hugs and 7 days is great!!!!!!

Our lives do seem to parrallel each other. The only thing is my husband doesn't know how much I have lost. He does know that I have a gambling problem. If I can, I do not plan to tell him. It would really destroy our marriage. It crazy, he had his affair and I am or did have an affair but mine was with myself and the casino. I kinda forgave him but he would never forgive me. I think you said your husband holds it against you and mine would do the same. It is a double standard in my home, he can do it but I can't. Thanks for the support. I know we will communicate again soon. I am starting a weight loss boot camp tomorrow, I am concentrating on my healing and feeling good about myself. I am also starting South Beach diet plan as well. I am going to get healthy inside and out. When I get to a certain point and I am not sure when that will be, I plan on re-eval my life with or without my husband. I have been married a long time and I am unable to make any decisions right now because it will change too many things. Talk soon. Jackie

Hello 2mcdpnurse. Congrats on 1 week and welcome to ds! i have been abit m.i.a lately on ds..since i relapsed i felt like a hypocrite posting. Starting to get over it now. i too used to go will a few hundred $. in the last year or so it escaleted to minimum 1 or 2 thousand per trip. it really is a progressive addiction. Didnt help any that my compulsive drinking also escalated. pretty much a deadly combination. my last relapse i took 1000$ went into the high limit card room. Caught a great run at mini bacarat was up over 4000$. kept drinking and left with nothing. brought back all the bad memories of doing that same thing 100s of times before. I was so sick i was having panic attacks that i had never had before. i should know by now that the table games are impossible to beat in the long run. i guess even if i had left with the $ i would have just lost it back a day or two later anyway. guess if nothing else it was a reminder of why i quit going in the first place. i havnt drank booze since and the though of the casino sickens me. another expensive lesson in recovery. back to one day at a time. well i have rambled enough. i wish you the best in your recovery. take care Johnny

mcd. . .everyone's situation is different, be it marital, work, whatever. If you know you are not ready to tell your husband what you lost, then that's where you are now. I did not tell my husband the whole truth all at once, for fears very similar to yours. Instead, the whole truth came out in little pieces, one at a time, over the course of probably 4 years, since gambling became a problem for me and since he became aware that it was a problem. Don't pressure yourself or feel that because someone else handles recovery differently than you do that you are wrong in any way. The important things are that you stopped gambling, you are making positive steps in your life and are feeling better. If and when you are ready to tell your husband the details, you'll know. I can only say that although we are going through some major stuff right now, it is SUCH a relief that I don't have anything to hide anymore. Not worrying about him seeing credit card statements, someone saying "hey I saw your wife down at the casino", or him finding atm receipts in my car, or questioning me about where my money went, it all feels so good. Not that I've completely forgiven myself for the damage I've done while actively addicted, but it's a huge burden removed that I don't have anything to hide anymore.

Johnny, I've seen some posts by you and I don't think I've really "talked" with you before. . .but just wanted to say that I don't judge you or anyone else on here for relapsing. I know it could happen to me or any addict at any time. If this was an easy disease to beat, probably none of us would be on here. I've been on and off this board 3 times in a year. One thing I've learned from my experience is you're never "cured" with addiction. That is not a character flaw with you and it doesn't speak to your ability to beat the addiction in the long run. It's very common from what I read and the important thing is you're back on the wagon now! So welcome back I guess, even though I've only been around "this time" for 3 1/2 weeks!

thanks so much daydreamer for your kind words! i think im taking this relapse harder than normal since i had gone the longest i had ever gone gamble free in about 18yrs. feel like a deflated baloon. i know its a lifelong battle with this addiction. So glad i have ds as my accountability resource. i feel a genuine commitment to my ds friends to stay gamble free. looking to regroup and stay gamble free. thanks again and best wishes to you! Johnny

I just joined this site and have read some of these post. I too am compulsive gambler desiring help. I have lost a ton of money in the last year. I can relate to some of these stories. I pray that I can stop this madness.

WTG!!!! One week is terrific! Keep up the good work and keep it simple- one day at a time. Three things struck me reading through the posts- first and foremost, we really do have some incredible people in our group, we're truly blessed. Second, the GA adage is invaluable- don't try and solve all your problems at once- starting out on your recovery, you need to stay focused on just that- recovery and don't beat yourself up so much. This is a disease and a progressive one at that, just keep away from gambling and get back to your life, it missed you. Third, a helpful hint came to mind- get your limits lowered or deleted for cash via the ATM card. You can set it low for real emergency funds, say $50 or something and not worry about that, but also removing that temptation we all feel from time to time.
Keep it rolling!
Jay