You are in the right place! Hello, and welcome!

Im sorta kinda new here ... been a member since 2012, but Ive been gambling .. up until a couple weeks ago.

I got really bad ... pretty much suicidal. Thank God for my husband .. he is bailing me out. He's not happy about it, but he is still helping me and Im thankful for that.

I go to 12 step meetings on a regular basis.. ( for another addiction, as there aren't any GA mtgs in my area ). So, the 12 steps and having a sponsor helps me .. I check in with her daily.

I come here ... a lot! reading and re-reading the message boards. I pray... every morning and ask God to help me.

I currently have very little money .. ( I am seasonally employed ),... so turning my $ over to someone so that I have none to gamble with isn't a problem for me right now. But I KNOW that I have seen many members here say that it is the best idea ... to have a payee , someone who takes care of your money. Come spring when I go back to work... I will most likely be doing just that.

I can only stay away from the casino 1 day at a time .. I can do many things to make sure that happens .. ... its entirely up to me.

Please, save yourself .... don't gamble, its not worth it.

Your post certainly resonates with me as I can relate to the shame and somehow feeling less than human. I have struggled with this addiction for over two decades. I am gamble free nearly a year with the help of therapy, support group, hard internal work and many lifestyle changes and many other tools. One thing I do now, if I see a video poker/slot machine, is I visualize the faces of my abusers on their screens.
I would not be comfortable with a job that has me going into casinos on a regular basis. I would look for a different job, but that does not necessarily mean that is what you have to do. But you must come up with some kind of plan about how you will deal with it differently if you keep this job,
The other thing that really helped me that I learned with the help of my counselor, that you might consider, is I needed to look at my beliefs around gambling that propelled me to gamble.

I believed I could get ahead by gambling.
I believed I could relieve stress by gambling.
I believed gambling was fun.

I discovered when I really examined those beliefs that none of them were true. They were false beliefs that I made up to justify my behavior.

I had long passed the time when I could get ahead gambling, winning only increased my urge to play more and for the last 10 years of gambling, I gave each win back within a day or two if not the same day.
The only time stress was relieved for me was while the reals were spinning or the cards were flying. But it was a numbness to world and I would end up more stressed after draining my bank and going without food and sleep to gamble all I could.
Gambling had ceased being fun for me as I had many day one's, multiple attempts at treatment, and multiple suicidal episodes for the decade before this year.
Once I changed my false beliefs I could more easily change my behavior.
Now I know gambling is not a way I can get ahead. Gambling does not relief stress for me. Gambling is not fun for me.
My support group is made up of a group with of folks with abstinence ranging from 6 months to 10 years. Sadly, this year several people with significant years of abstinence went out into action. Some have returned some have not.
Day One is the most important, it is the day we decide to change. You may have gotten a case of overconfidence, or you still cling to the belief that you can be a social gambler again, or you got comfortable and dropped your guard.
Prepare to roll up your sleeves and examine the roots of your addiction and tweak your program for abstinence so it works better.

I agree with the prior comments....this site can be your lifeline if you let it be...we know because we have traveled the same road you are on...we struggle...we fall and we support each other to rise again....it's not the number of times you stumble that matters....it's the number of times you rise back up....face this gambling goliath....render him powerless by acknowledging the destruction he has done....Satan pulls out all his tricks to lure us into thinking anything but the truth....gambling is an addiction...a disease ....we will always be vulnerable, so cold turkey, no turning back, tough love toward ourselves is our only hope.....

tpeden
I read your post late last night. I feel for you and your wife. I can understand why she is angry. She may need some cooling down time. It looks like you made great efforts to not gamble in the past and should see now that you can not be a casual gambler.
Your wife does not understand this disease and how it is able to get a hold of you. There are youtube videos that can explain what is taking place in the brain of a person that has a gambling problem. Might you both be able to view them together, in order to get a better understanding? She views this problem as, you should not do this because you love her, she was with you at the casino when it started back up again. Had she known the facts on this addiction, she would have not taken part in it. I think education on the disease is what you and her need right now.
When I came clean with my husband, I let him know what was going on in my brain and how much dept I had accumulated. My husband can not understand anyone throwing away money or can not understand anyone not having self control.He forgave me, because I let him into the why's of my addiction.( I started gambling because of a loss in the family and was escaping the pain.) He forgave me, but he does not trust me. I give him all my money, (makes me mad, because I use to be responsible.) to be honest, I don't yet trust me.
It is a long road we must travel to get back that trust, but you must try. Please educate both of you. This has nothing to do with love or lack of love. I know it hurts, so praying for you and your family.
This is a good video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTZYK4A3taY

Welcome to the board. This place is filled with caring people that want to help. The others wrote great advice so I'm not going to repeat any of it. But I will say that you are not alone. I hope things are better with your family. You stopped for 4 years and can do it again and even longer. Just take 1 day at a time. Life is so much better without gambling. Drill it into your head. I wish you the best.

congrats on 4 years, people who dont have addictions cant comprehend the pull we have - your wife needs to educate herself better to get thru this, explaining why we take our money and toss it away is quite a challenge - we dont understand it either, we go on auto pilot and and thats that - sort of like sleepwalking, i suppose it truly is an illness of some sort, dust off, go forward and forget the past, its gone, learn and move ahead

i saw a quote yesterday "perform a miracle today, forgive yourself"

First of all, you are not scum. I know exactly how you feel, going into any casino, for any reason, for me, is one bet away from not being able to stop. You had four years, its not gone, its still there. The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself, move on, you can't take it back, or get the money back, its gone. But, you have today, you have the tools. I'm sorry your wife is upset, I get it, but, remember, no concert, no venue, is more important than your recovery. So, dust yourself off, and move on, take today, and give yourself a break from the dread and the drama that goes with a slip. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK!

1.) Tend to yourself right now. If you were a heroin addict, would you be telling yourself that you just need some self-control? No. You would know that you need rehab. You need time away. You need help.

2.) Find a payee. Take your name off of the bank accounts and trust your wife or a professional payee with paying the bills regularly and giving you a small allowance. This saved me.

3.) Self-ban if you can.

4.) "What others think of you is none of your business." I'm sorry your family is not understanding or supportive right now. But they cannot be your primary concern right now. First, focus on getting well. Then you can focus on repairing your relationships.