Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...

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amerprin 09/11/2015

Last Monday I was knocking on the door of being gambling free for 98 days. I made the decision of going to a casino with a friend of mine. I admit that I am a compulsive gambler and am powerless over the disease. Knowing that and my struggles I went anyway. My friend knows of my illness and when we were parking I asked her to wait a minute. She looked puzzled at me. I told her I needed to leave all of my credit cards in the car. I had 42.00 cash on me and I needed to only take 20.00 into the casino. I knew I had free play left on the casino card of 55.00. When we walked into the casino I could not believe how overpowering the smoke was and the noise. Being gone for 3 months made me see how potent the smell was. After walking around in the casino I chose to start gambling. Minimum bets only. Then increased betting to 1.00 till going to maximum. Built up enough money to play for 5 hours and then eventually lost it all. While I was gambling I was praying I would not have a big win so I would not get hooked again. When we were leaving the casino I told my friend I was glad that I left with nothing and that I did not want to come back for a long time.
But reality is setting in that I am compulsive and the thought of going to a casino this weekend is lurking in my head.
It took me a week to write about my slip. But after seeing my words here I realize I should go to a GA meeting this weekend instead of the casino. I don't have control over this disease and I do not want to fool myself into thinking I do. I only lost 21.00 of my own money but I also lost 98 days of sobriety. Knowing that makes me feel sad.

Leapyear22 09/11/2015

I am sorry to see you go through this. I know, for me, no matter how much time I have, entering a casino, especially one that I may not be banned from, would most likely lead to the same results. My head tells me something, my heart tells me the other. I can't gamble, ever again, and for today, I won't. So, for today, I pray you do not. Keep going, and thank you for posting. xoxox.

skip88 09/11/2015

If I ever left a casino with. 21 dollar loss I would think of it as a win. My guess is the same is happening to you. It is NOT about the money. That is just a way we keep score. But the repercussions will devastate you financially for years if you allow it. You have got to understand you have a life threatening illness that will rob you of all your joy in all aspects of your life. Time to stop making excuses and just accept it is what it is. You cannot gamble.Period.

highlimit 09/11/2015

No use looking back. We've all slipped up. Be grateful it was only a minor bump in the road and didn't set you back too far.

I know if I walked into a casino I would burn through whatever money I could access. I tried hundreds of times to exercise self control and failed each and every one of them. The only success I ever had gambling responsibly was not gambling at all.

victoria2014 09/11/2015

It's ok that you slip, recovery is a process and a life long journey. It isn't so much as to how long you don't gamble but rather how you fulfill yourself today. To have peace of mind, to have deepest gratitude of what you have, to honor and love yourself and to live centered and balanced just for today. Not for the 89days that were gone, not for the next 99 days but what you can do today... And today, you are here!

Keep walking your journey my friend, stop carrying that big rock on your shoulder, burn that old bridge and build yourself a new bridge!

Love,
Victoria

Qwit4Good 09/11/2015

You haven't lost those 98 days of abstinence, they are not gone, or non existent. They happened, and you should be able to learn from this that going in a "controlled manner" only makes you think about and obsess about gambling. It is like heroine, just a little bit is all it takes for the compulsive gambler to be off to Disneyland again. You should be able to learn from this that your relapse prevention plan has a hole in it. You should be able to learn from this that you need to set clearer boundaries with yourself and your friends. Yes, you are at the beginning of counting consecutive days since your last bet, but it does not mean you are at the beginning of recovery. Just because you had a flat tire on the road to recovery does mean you should get out and puncture the other three tires. Rethink the weekend, find something else to do other than the casino.

atticus63 09/11/2015

Hi AP, I'm with you. I know how difficult it is. Like you, I will keep coming back.It's important to see what others are going through, for me. I will start again on only my second day one...I am praying for the desire. Take care, my friend.

espnbart 09/12/2015

I've had a couple full blown relapses. One of my biggest regrets is that I never stepped up after the first "slip". I allowed the disease to spread within me until I was full blown gambling just like I was before. So, I'm proud of you for coming forward and admitting your mistake. Trust me, eventually you will start gambling again if you didn't come forward. Once you head back into full blown addiction again, you pick up your gambling as if you've never stopped. The $$ amount that you spend per bet gets upped as if you were progressing all along and the financial damage comes quicker and is a killer. You were comfortable, maybe too comfortable. If your friend knew you were an alcoholic, would he ask you to go to a bar?

amerprin 09/12/2015

Thank you everyone for reading my post and responding. I am glad that I posted on here and so glad to receive your support and kind words.

mybestself 09/13/2015

Dear Amerprin,
Lots of hugs to you. I am glad you are back here sharing and posting. For me, I am realizing that I need to cultivate a different lifestyle and create different habits.

Once a therapist told that humans need three "A's" in our lives, attention, affection , and affirmation. I get that from the casino people who know me (and who are hoping for a big tip if I won) but that is about the only place I get it. Oh sure, my grandsons are glad to see me but there is a limit to the three As that I get from them.

It is a draw for me to return to the casino because if no one is happy to see me, they are. Sick I know.

Friendships give us the 3 As. Sometimes, when our friends are able to gamble without impunity they don't understand us. Sometimes our friendships have to change so that we can recover. Friendships either end, undergo drastic change, but they can never remain unchanged if we want to recover from this insidious disease.

What is the mutual attraction? Is it that your friend is someone with whom you gamble? Or do you share other things? If so, gambling has to be off the table for you two when you are together.

These are just my thoughts as I read your share. This, from me, who is a horribly addicted compulsive gambler, whose life is unmanageable.

nancyzoman 09/13/2015

Dear @amerprin,

I've been following your journey closely; I am currently on day 81, and I was watching your posts as a type of guideline for me to follow, being about three weeks behind you.

I write this because I know you were frustrated and discouraged when day 90 hit and you didn't feel any better or at least not significantly differently than you had before.

It shocked me too. I was disappointed when you first shared the insight that day 90 felt just as hard as the month or so before to you. I was looking forward to day 90 like some sort of reprieve from suffering, as though it would be this special, awesome day where I would feel differently than before. I was glad, however, that you let us know it felt like just another day. I stopped counting down the days to day 90 and started just looking at each day as another accomplishment.

I know you feel bad that you slipped on day 98, but don't. This time around, you know the process better. You know day 90 will not be miraculous and will not arrive with you waking up feeling reborn. You won't be disappointed. You will not build up anticipation to a promised day of freedom and wake up not to find it. You will know it is just another day in a long recovery process and understand what to expect and what not to expect realistically.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's benefitted me greatly. And I hope you will stay clean forever next time.

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