You describe the feelings so well, and I'm really sorry you are struggling with depression. It can undermine everything. I easily get fed up with people telling me I should be more positive. In a way, they are right - It does help to focus on gratitude and the good things we easily take for granted - but there are layers to depression and addiction that require a different kind of care. For me, it takes medication, counseling, face to face support group, journaling, talking with and listening to my higher power, and above all, accepting that depression and addiction are illnesses I have to manage. I had to let go of a lot of resentment and a boatload of self-pity before I could relax and truly tend to my recovery. Know that you are not alone and that it is worth the effort to stay clean. Like you, today I will not gamble

And congratulations on 10 months!

Healing57, I want to say -I know how you feel, but instead I will say- I think I know how you feel. It is very difficult in meetings sometimes when it seems everyone else is on their pink cloud and doing so well, when all you want to say is how terrible you feel and how depressed you are. It really stymies your share when you feel that you can't be honest, just because you don't want to bring down the group, in general. I am very happy for you that you didn't stop and pick up that scratcher. I am so like that too-I am really good at self-sabotage. I really relate to this passage from the yellow book- * INABILITY AND UNWILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT REALITY. Hence the escape into the dream world of gambling. * EMOTIONAL INSECURITY. A compulsive gambler finds he or she is emotionally comfortable only when "in action". It is not uncommon to hear a Gamblers Anonymous member say: "The only place I really felt like I belonged was sitting at the poker table. There I felt secure and comfortable. No great demands were made upon me. I knew I was destroying myself, yet at the same time, I had a certain sense of security." * IMMATURITY. A desire to have all the good things in life without any great effort on their part seems to be the common character pattern of problem gamblers. Many Gamblers Anonymous members accept the fact that they were unwilling to grow up. Subconsciously they felt they could avoid mature responsibility by wagering on the spin of a wheel or the turn of a card, and so the struggle to escape responsibility finally became a subconscious obsession.

Also, a compulsive gambler seems to have a strong inner urge to be a 'big shot' and needs to have a feeling of being all powerful. The compulsive gambler is willing to do anything (often of an antisocial nature) to maintain the image he or she wants others to see.

Then too, there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves. There is much evidence to support this theory.
-There you go- especially that last bit. Congratulations on getting 10 months, and keep on keeping on. We can't change our past, but day by day, we can craft our future. Hugs, ~Atticus

and you've made it thru another day w/ out gambling. that is my bottom line -- if I did that, then it was a good day, regardless of any shitty things that happened -- that didn't so it's a good day :) best to YOU

Yes ...that's how I feel .... like the only place I do feel good is at a gaming place but that's only until I lose all my money. I"m going to vent here so please forgive me but right now its how I'm feeling. Normally, I feel pretty good, I try to see the good in everyone and keep myself busy......but lately ...I've had people put me down ..mostly my family. It has nothing to do with gambling ....heaven help me if they knew about that......it has more about how they seem to find fault with me. I'm one of these people who read the internet concerning my health ....so I talk about it ..BIG MISTAKE .....so I'm picked on about that. I lost weight last year because of eating right ....do I get a "well done' from them nope......instead my family go on that I'm being too strict on what I eat, etc. It' like I'm always getting the ratty end of the stick. Sometimes I would just like to pack it up and say "so long" .....and walk out of their lives. I don't have a partner so its like they look down on me that I'm not good enough to have someone in my life. It's not that way........its because I
never found the right person ...maybe I'm just picky or maybe I lost the one man that I truly loved and don't want another to take his place. Anyway ..it's always something they pick on me for. I don"t think I'll ever be able to change them ..I'm just not good enough in their eyes .....so why not just let it go. If they were friends .....I would toss them out but unfortunately .....with family you can't do that. Thanks for listening.

BTW .....i want to clarify something .......I had a heart problem and the dr instructed me to "eat right" ........the result ......I lost 20 lbs .......I look and feel pretty good .......and yes ..I was shocked too of the weight loss..............my drs were happy and patted me on the back .........why couldn't my family and friends be ???

Do not ever let anyone put you down, especially family. Be proud of your accomplishments and hold your head high, You deserve it. Be picky and take your time, it’s not a pair of jeans you are looking at. Lol

Thanks Skip !! I went to visit my brother yesterday and that visit didn't go well ...like I said above .....he liked to bring me down about my weight loss and other stuff and this was in front of my daughter. I decided today that I'm going to back off from him and others who try to make me feel bad. Then I had a friend call me when I was out. When I got back home ..she paid me a visit and said ......"it seems like every time I call you, your not home" ....lol......what does she expect me to do ...sit home and wait for her call. What was really funny was ....she had only called once in about 3 days. Shakes my head. And when she was here .....she said something about my weight .....ok now that's 2 in one day ......so I guess I had to vent !! Anyway ...I'm feeling better today and going to just brush it off and keep going !! I'm proud of what I have accomplished and they can all go to ....jeepers. lol

PS .....that jean comment made me smile....thanks skip