Educational note from Ms. Nitpicker: note that while some of these are just inadvertently stupid, some may only be urban legends, and a few may be deliberate attempts at humor, some are caused by grammatical errors that can easily be fixed. For example, in "Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years," if the modifying phrases had been put first, it would be "For Second Time in 10 Years, Killer Sentenced to Die," the headline would be clearer, though less funny. On the positive side, they usually don't contain spelling errors, except in the case of classified ads. Thinking before writing, and editing before printing, would also help. (Where are the good beta readers when we need them?)
4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

Air Head Fired

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV)
Blind Bishop Appointed to See

Body Search Reveals $4,000 in Crack (from the Jackson Citizen-Patriot, Michigan)
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (from the Louisville Courier Journal)

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Deer Kill 17,328 (Damn it, who keeps selling guns to those deer?)

Disciples of Christ Name Interim Leader (from Los Angeles Times) (Apparently they got tired of waiting for Christ to return...)

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84. (They were paid for being drunk? I want that job!)

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax (First it's the deer, now it's the cows. Disarm those cows now!)

Eye Drops off Shelf

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (from the Providence Journal)(They grow 'em bic in Providence.)

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award (from the Buffalo News)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Yum! Eat those kids, and reduce the population.)

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (from the Post News)

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Lack of brains hinders research (The Columbus Dispatch, April 16)

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice (In my experience, they give poor paid legal advice, too.)

Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests

Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (Is he suggesting adding torture and quartering to it?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (From the Valley News)

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing (from The Sun)

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

March Planned For Next August

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy (And based on this headline, they are succeeding.)

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (from The Overland News)

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff (Bet that hurt!)

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00 (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped (from The Times, in the U.K.)

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan (Those bodies, always complaining...)

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Stud Tires Out

Study: Long-Term Marijuana Use Harms Mermory (from Daily Hampshire Gazette of Northhampton, Massachusetts) Apparently it's rough on spelling, too.)

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents (Thus making them Siamese twins parents...?)

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids (Mo less than they deserve...)

Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung (Headline from the Oakland Tribune)

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter (This shortage of checkout workers must be ended.)

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (In the cemetery? Weren't they already dead?)

War Dims Hope for Peace

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel (Atlanta Journal Constitution headline) (Ever drill an INTERESTING sewer tunnel?)