Foster Care Support Group

Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.

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Children's Health & Parenting
/ Foster Care Support Group

Child going back home... support for grief

VanessaRose
VanessaRose
Hello All,

I am a brand new foster parent who ended up with a six year old rather unexpectedly when no one else was able to provide a home for one of the students at my school after a crisis. He has been with me for 5 months now and will be going back home next week (despite the case worker claiming he'll end up back in care within the year because the home is still a bad situation). I am deeply grieving this loss and having a hard time knowing what to do with myself (I have no other children). The child is upset about going back home so I'm trying my best to be supportive and positive about the transition so as not to add to his stress. My husband is equally upset but we are not necessarily a good match during unhappy times and so are struggling to support each other. I'm generally a very closed off person and so do not want to expose my feelings to other people in my life (which I recognize is a major problem... but not one I'm going to be able to fix immediately). Was hoping I could reach out through the emotional safety of a keyboard to see if there was anyone out here who might be able to offer wisdom or support for how best to get through this. I just feel heartbroken and suddenly so sad that I don't have any close enough connections in the real world that I can turn to talk with...

Anyone out there?

Sorry for the neediness :(
dryadteacher
dryadteacher
One thing that may help is that if a kid comes back into care, they usually call the foster parents who had him last. Also, remember that you gave him several skills that will help his survival, even if he does go back home, and that he now knows that he can get out of that situation.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We are just starting our journey to become foster parents, so I don't have any advice. Just wanted to send love and support. You have a done great thing by providing this little guy a safe place. Since he is at your school hopefully you'll still have contact and be able to provide him additional support at school. Let him know that you'll still be there to help him.

As for you, be gentle on yourself and your hubby. You are both grieving. Maybe talking to a counselor will help? Reaching out to these support forums are a good start. I reckon I'll be writing a similar note once we get placements and they leave. Hard stuff, but we do it to make the world a little bit better. :)
dbrunson
dbrunson
welcome to foster parenting I haven't been fostering very long and is on my 3rd child the 1st two went back to there bio parents and the 1st one I am very close to her and her mom and family. Unfortunately when we sign up for fostering and get kids in our home most will leave us I have learned to love them unconditionally when they are with me and pray for them when they leave. yes its very hard because its so easy to get attached but just think of how wonderful it is that u have opened ur home for these children. I wish u well and trust u will get many more children in ur home to love. God Bless
deleted_user
deleted_user
This must be a very difficult time for you. Perhaps you can find comfort in knowing that the 5 months you have spent with this boy have probably been a great help to him. He now knows that the home he was in is not the normal setting and there are better options. Also, as predicted, if he goes back into the system, former foster parents are often contacted first. It may be very beneficial for your relationship if you and your husband can lean on one another once the boy is moved even if you are not able to talk things out. I will keep this transition time in for your family in my prayers.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was a foster child for most of my life while my parents were struggling with addiction,, the last home that I was at is the home that I fell in love with, my father went thru the processes of getting me back in his home after being with said family for a year, leaving was a absolute struggle, between wanting and needing a relationship with my bio parents but having to "give up" the relationship that I developed with my new family. well as it happened my father fell back into his old ways and things turned bad once again and I was tossed around to different family's but I never forgot about the one lady that took me in as if I was her own and taught me the values and respect that I still carry to this day, and as I got older I reconnected with my "MOM" and to this day she is as far as I am concerned my mother , so a child going home doesn't mean you lose them forever, they will always cherish the times that they had with you and the love that you shared with them, and if the home is unstable they will almost certainly be back with you :) hope this helped