hi-i relapsed again...i made it to 18 days without bingeing though. so i guess that's good news...the fight i had with dad friday night about dana really pissed me off and only made everything worse.

i lost it because kayla referred to dana as my "virtual boyfriend" as if the relationship we have, the love we share, the fact we want to spend our lives together doesn't count because we met online. dad told me that i was being childish, because i haven't "met" dana yet. i told dad i love him, and he said "how can you love someone you've never met?!" there were many other details about the fight that i won't go into here. let's just say that i called cassie in tears. honestly, had an apartment already been lined up, i would have moved out friday. i was truly that upset. you can mess with me all you want, but you mess with the people i love, and all bets are off.

sometimes, it feels as though no one in my family wants me to have a boyfriend. i know that's not true, but that's how it feels. dad didn't like either of my exes. mom freaked out when she found out ryan was bipolar. it feels like no one is ever good enough for my parents when it comes to my taste in men.

so i finally caved today while watching the little mermaid with kayla. it started with pizza. (dinner) before i knew it i had popped popcorn, scarfed chips, and was begging kayla to get the candy out of the kitchen. my favorite movie in the whole world was on, and i barely noticed. i was too busy eating. i am still very upset with dad. he doesn't understand that this isn't a phase, and i'm not being childish. dana is the man i want to spend my life with. why the hell is that so hard for people to grasp? i don't understand why i'm not allowed to be happy!!!!!!

even after all that food, i still made myself a bag of cinnamon life (because i can't have milk) and mixed chocalate syrup with a vanilla pudding cup. you know what the worst part is, i STILL want to eat!!!! when i think about the ridiculous amount of food i binged on today, it makes me want to cry.

i know it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. i ate because i was mad at dad...typing that out makes me sound crazy...but for me, it's how i deal with stress. just like i also deal with stress by blogging. the stomach cramps have already started. ugggggggg!!!!! i'm going to hate myself tomorrow. i always do after i binge. the next day, i have the most debilitating (spelling?) cramps, and then i feel like my insides are being twisted like a pretzel. then, after hours of these cramps, i get sick. i guess my body just can't handle all the extra food in my system at once.someone talk to me, i really need a friend.-fallon