Financial Challenges Support Group
This community is for people who are struggling to meet financial obligations of any kind. Financial challenges include everything from the day-to-day challenges of making ends meet to managing credit card debt to bankruptcy. Get support from others who are going through similar obstacles on the road back to financial stability.
Hi, I hope it's okay to write here, but noticed the name of the group and thought it might fit my situation.
First, let me explain that I'm disabled ( 3 head injuries ) and unable to work ( despite Social Work degree). I get 600 a month from Social sec. disablilty. I'm married to an engineer, the most controlling man you'll ever meet, (I'm making a plan to leave - when I can afford to )
As I said, I bounce a check ( the Only one ) in 2005, and that was the end of him giving me any money. For a year he bought a few of my groceries, but decided in 2006 "he couldn't afford that". In 2010, our 25th anniv. he said "i've supported you for 25 years, now it's your turn to support me". I paid all bills until my 3700. dollars had run out.
Currently I'm supporting myself - food , clothes, doctors, meds, etc , as well as paying for the car and house heat , all on my disability. He continues to give me nothing. We have No joint accounts of any kind, so if he dies today, I don't have the money to have a funeral. I currently have 2000 dollars, but also an elderly mom in Florida I need to see, as well as other expenses.
So do I belong in this group? I think this is a challenge! thanks, Holly
First, let me explain that I'm disabled ( 3 head injuries ) and unable to work ( despite Social Work degree). I get 600 a month from Social sec. disablilty. I'm married to an engineer, the most controlling man you'll ever meet, (I'm making a plan to leave - when I can afford to )
As I said, I bounce a check ( the Only one ) in 2005, and that was the end of him giving me any money. For a year he bought a few of my groceries, but decided in 2006 "he couldn't afford that". In 2010, our 25th anniv. he said "i've supported you for 25 years, now it's your turn to support me". I paid all bills until my 3700. dollars had run out.
Currently I'm supporting myself - food , clothes, doctors, meds, etc , as well as paying for the car and house heat , all on my disability. He continues to give me nothing. We have No joint accounts of any kind, so if he dies today, I don't have the money to have a funeral. I currently have 2000 dollars, but also an elderly mom in Florida I need to see, as well as other expenses.
So do I belong in this group? I think this is a challenge! thanks, Holly
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This is really a two year plan ( getting out). First, my mind ( I have, literally 1/2 of a brain ) has to wrap around the actual moving, then of course the financial cost, and the list goes on. But I'm trying! - H
Personally i would try the counseling if he wont go you should go alone. They might be able to offer a different perspective on your situation. Your husband being a man and an engineer he is most likely very logical. Try a logical approach when talking with him. Let him know your concerns about funeral arrangements and bigger things like that. Try not to use the word "I", men tend to shut down with that word. Outline the points of the conversation you want to address. Write them down if you have to. Let him know you appreciate him as a husaband, standing by you through your injuries, stroke his ego. Appologize for your shortcomings, income, mentally, emotionally etc. He may be harboring some resentment and acknolegement is what he needs. I know you have your mind set on leaving but maybe if you let him know what the problem is then he can make an effort to solve it. The best way to approach a serious topic is to take it out of the "norm" for example, if you usually have a nagging conversation in the bedroom try having a serious one sitting at an empty table. Talk to him like this is business.Take it out of the normal envoronment that he is conditioned to. If the mention of the word money sets him off (cause you have discussed it to death) dont mention money. Approach it from a relationship standpoint. Obviously lack of money is causing you undue stress, which in turn puts stress on the marriage, you have a shorter temper, depression, etc, appologize for it but point that out. Dont nag or whine. No "you dont ever..." This conversation shouldnt be about whose fault is what. It is about what is best for you two as a couple and your future together. The "supported you for 25 years" comment, what were you doing in those 25 years? Were you a stay at home mom? If so list the responsibilities you had, day-care giver, house cleaner, cook etc. Do some research and tally up the yearly earning of each of those professions. Guarantee they will come out to quite a bit. Let him now that just because you didnt have a "job" doesnt mean you werent working. Marriage isnt about the support of one or the other, its about the support of each other. Mariage isnt always 50/50. Sometimes is 60/40 or 30/70, in those times thats when you lean on each other for support. Let him know you still need to lean on him, not just financially. I'm sure it is frustrating not being able to do the things you once did, probably for him as well. As a man he wants to FIX problems and he cant fix your problem. Let him know that its ok that he cant fix it, but also let him know what he can do to help (im sure it is frustrating for him cause he doesnt know what he can do) 25 years of marriage is something rarely reached these days and it would be a shame to end it.
Welcome to the group, i hope whatever happens it goes well.
I'm going to counseling on my own. Sue is great, and supports me "in whatever you decide". She feels , too, that this is a 2 year plan. If I were to go any faster ( suddenly take all my money out of my acc't and hide it ), he'd know I was thinking of divorcing him, and he'd make life more miserable.
I know you said "it's only money", and that's a great attitude if you and your husband have a joint account and support each other. I have never had that ; I used to buy all food for the family out of my disability check. As I look back, I wonder, as Sue does, where all his money is. He likes being the "good guy" and buys great presents for Christmas , but "that's because I save my money- you just spend yours".
I could go on about how he made me bring home receipts for everything I bought , got mad if I missed one , and Now even expects them , even though I buy things with "my" money. There's no "ours" in this marriage.
Right now I"m balancing going to Florida ( 400.) with the car getting ready for winter (another 350 or so) and the start of the winter heating season. Thank goodness I'm on an anti-anxiety medicine! -Holly
Im glad that sue is helping you through things. If you want to find his money there are finacial investigators that do that. Again, it would be an added expence but you would know where it is.
Good luck and i hope you can hold out 2 years. ((hugs))
My divorce was alot easier than what I suggest but mine cost me $1000 only $1000.....but we did not fight over anything but one of my things she kept captive.....
give some more calls to legal aide and find out who can do it on pro bono or will do it less than $12000
hugs bill
Go to florida and stay in florida...keep that sucker guessing about you....
hugs
As far as for "taking every penny", I have no clue how much money he has, or where it is. He is willing to show me ( online) what's in his personal account, and what's in the business one . ( He's self employed ) . My question is - is /are there other account(s).
For the moment I'm staying. My social worker as well as a few other "professionals" ( psychiatrist, pastor) know what's happening. They all say "leave when it's safe" , and it's not now. Things are too much up in the air. I have to do some more investigating, then decide when to go . Where I don't work, it's not like saying "I can leave; I'm a teacher and have my own income" .
Also, a concern all the above people have mentioned is a concern of alimony. Since he's self-employed, he can decide to work 3 days a month ; that doesn't give me much alimony. (And he would do that).
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and concerns. I"m learning a lot through this site and another I belong to. I never thought I'd need these sites, but such is life... -Holly