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So I apologize for every horrible thing that I ever said about my MIL. After spending the last few days with the woman it is clear that she is having severe memory problems. The nearest that I can figure she "loses" things less than 12 hours after they happen. She also doesn't know what day it is, so that is a problem with her taking prescription meds. By my count we had to tell her on Saturday 3 times in 30 minutes that it was Saturday, not Friday. By then she clearly didn't remember Thursday, because she didn't remember my husband and I arriving or much of the things we had done the day before. But she also didn't remember events that happened on Friday night, 14 hours prior. She did remember things 10 hours prior, so that is where I am getting the 12 hours figure from. She doesn't seem to get hungry at all and has to be prompted to eat. This is because she clearly forgets whe she is doing while she is eating. For instance, she will eat half of a piece of bread in front of her and then say, "I ate my bread. I am finished." She seems surprised that there is another piece left on the plate.
After spending time with her where she wasn't personally attacking me it is very clear that she is VERY good at covering for her deficits. It occurs to me that she has probably been doing this for a while to some degree. And on some things she is very lucid and clear, in so far as we can tell, so we are not sure when things got this severe. I now wonder if some of the animosity that I have experienced in recent years is part of the personality changes that sometimes come with age-related memory problems. This time she was extremely flattering, almost as though she were trying to tell me everything she ever wanted to say. But even if she had been cruel again I would not have held it against her as it would be petty and pointless.
My FIL and MIL live at least an hour away from us in their own home. My husband and SIL are at a loss as to what to do. Clearly a medical evaluation is in order for MIL. But FIL also clearly has either multiple undiagnosed personality disorders going on OR some serious brain problems himself, so it seems unsafe for them to be there together. I suggested maybe relocation closer to PD and I, so we could take them places and check in on them multiple times per week. PD thinks that they should live with us, but in an alternating 6 month rotation.
FIL, meanwhile, has apparently decided to move back to his home country (he immigrated to the US as an adult) because he doestn't want to die on American soil. . .
Other than all of this, we had a LOVELY time and can't wait to go back soon.
Which is good, because MIL visits at least once every 12 weeks and clearly can't take transport by herself anymore.
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Another day, another ouchie?My bruised achilles tendon (don't ask) makes my foot numb. Wonky on meds, whacked it.Now, as to fibro:A lot of reports are going around some parts of social media that fibro (and dang near anything else) are caused by post-Covid, post-flu, post-vaccinations, post-pick-something.1. Your risk of death or serious complications beyond "ow, that shot hurt!" are typically...
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
As good as the elderly and aging are at covering deficits (and my mom aced covering a damn brain tumor!)... Neuropsych evaluations are necessary. Neuro, not just the usual. Scans, the whole bit. Could be dementia, strokes, meds for other issues (if any), any number of hidden issues, so get that established IMO before you decide on where they should live, etc.
And contact adult social services in their town. *Theirs*. Whatever you're seeing --- and I hate to be a downer --- odds are there is a lot else you aren't able to see. Couples especially "cover" for each other (my hubby's parents do) and ... yeah, they need help. Possibly much mroe than you and your hubby can give. So don't decide you *have* to give it until you know if you even should or can, okay? First, get socia services involved to see if they can help with evaluations, etc., and work from there.
Gentle purrs.
Uprooting them to a foreign environment that does not have safety precautions for advanced memory care issues ( that would not be your home no matter what you try to anticipate) could really accelerate the problems. My Dad had dementia. My mother insisted on keeping him at home. He wandered off regularly no matter what we did. That was the least of the stress and chaos that continued for 12 years. It took all of us a year or more to recover once Dad passed. I urge you to get the medical issues identified and
if need be place them in a safe, professional environment nearby where you can see them regularly.
Your health has to come first. Hugs and much support to you as you figure all of this out.
Your hubby can call the Area Agency for Aging about your MIL and FIL and they should help figure out where to start in this whole process. Having my mom live on and off with me, I have depended on them many times.... they usually schedule an appointment to come out and evaluate the patient and their needs. They also have lots of resources to refer you to.
PD seems convinced that MIL must move in with us. He remarked and is correct that SIL has a house that is "all steps". It is really not safe for an older person. I do not see how she can stay with us and I continue to work.
Chances are good that you would have to quit work to care for your MIL. Given your own health issues this is less than ideal. I'm sorry that you are in such a tough spot and that PD isn't thinking this through. Hugs!
First and foremost, I am so sorry your family is going through this. It's so hard to watch, let alone be a part of. My gramps had some pretty bad dementia and that is what eventually took him.
I would highly recommend getting a form of conservatorship, medical and possibly financial. If they are being forgetful in daily living things like self care, you can almost guarantee it's happening with their finances.
My other suggestion would possibly be power of attorney.
This will cause some resentment, and possibly anger, but it may be necessary to move forward to keep the best for their health.
I agree with others, a good medical work up would be necessary and if your FIL is that resistant to allow others in, or to go in himself, I pray that you find a way to help him think that this his own idea.
Is there a way you can speak to someone about the laws in your area? Maybe if you speak to a family lawyer of some sorts, they could help you in knowing what you can and can not do.
I am tiptoeing on your same situation. I'm the in law and I can see these things happening with my MIL. After going through it with my own grandparents when my mom took care of my grams (after her stroke) and my grandpa with his dementia, I have been noticing the signals for the past few years. That alzhemiers shuffle, I saw years ago in her. I saw traits of slow eating, and in her mannerisms.
And now, everyone is up in arms after a minor medical scare, and have looked into her finances a bit and noticed she has not been good with them.
But here I am, just the DIL, what do I know? LOL.
I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, and I too can relate. I took care of my parents as their health declined, and I struggle with my mother in law. She really needs more care than she receives, but she decided a long time ago that she would stay with my brother in law, and he's a workaholic who's not around enough. With all of her challenges, she does not want my husband's help, and considers me a "stranger" still--I'm not allowed to visit her home. We've been married 9 years next month. :)
Praying for you and your family.