What is it that you are feeling guilty about exactly?

For my mental and physical health i can not talk to my parents any more.But they are getting older and i worry if something happens to them that i will regret.But it is and has been for a very long time a Toxic relationship.Something happened this week.And i spent today thinking about everything i've learned in mental therapy and what i waste if i am not using it to help me.Does that make sense

I've never had any guilt over it. I tried for years to reach out and there came a time when it was time to take care of me.

I've had a lot of grief over the loss of people I thought were my family, but never guilt.

laurjil,

So I looked up the word "Guilt" and the definition is this:

Guilt (emotion) is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.


Do you think that maybe you feel sad? A lot of times we are sad and we think it is guilt like we have done something "wrong" when we haven't done anything wrong we just are feeling sad. Do you miss someone in your Family and you feel bad that you are not close to them anymore? Is that possibly what you are feeling?

Does that make sense to you what I am trying to say?

Laurjil, I can see why a person would experience some guilt over that. I hope that you'll talk to your therapist about it, so she can help you work through it. I think with time, it will fade. I think you have to do what is best for you.

Bless you.....I'm sure that must be very difficult for you.

Its all soo heartbreaing and confusing.I dont beleive that they set out to hurt me but its like i keep going back for more(which i know is the defnition of insanity-doing the same thing and expecting a different result)I lost my partner of 19 yrs this yr and for the first time learned the meaning of death.To never see him or talk to him again.I just here ppl say "you only have one mother and one father".But They set me back mentally soo bad this past week and i've spent the day thinking and in therapy they say it doesnt matter who it is if its toxic for yourself get out!I'm torn

I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband.

Thank you all for kind ness and support.Therapist cant say what to do just try to"make you see the "RED FLAGS" and they r flying.I go to group trauma(unfortunately missed past few wks)and i know ppl there had to break off toxic relationships and they know everything i've been through and have told me to start taking care of me.I still have this internal not right feeling.

YES.!! I understand the guilt. They are family, we don't want to cut them off, but when they can't change or won't change and they are hurting us, we have to cut them out of our lives to save ourselves and that is where the guilt comes from. We wish it could just be fixed, but we can't fix it.

Thankfully, my family is all very supportive of me and my illness. But I do know what it's like to cut off toxic family members (nothing to do with my illness). I have two cousins (that I practically grew up with, our families were very close) and a sister that I don't talk to anymore, and have no intention of ever talking to ever again. I never understood the people who say things like "but they're family, you have to love them". No, you really don't. Toxic people are toxic people, and you shouldn't have to put up with stuff like that just because "they're family". It was sad to have to do it, but it needed to be done. And maybe I'm colder than a lot of people, but I don't feel guilty about it either. They're horrible people, and I don't feel bad one bit about cutting them out of my, and by extension, my son's, life. Neither of us need that kind of negativity. If they make you miserable, they're not worth the effort you would put into trying to salvage a relationship.

Take care, keep strong, and we're here for you :-)

M.

I can understand. I often feel guilty just for keeping my distance and minimizing contact. I haven't seen them in 6 years. They live over seas. but we communicate via phone or mail.
I have often wanted to cut ties completely but have not been able.
When I have had no contact for weeks and weeks sometimes longer. I feel better for it.

There are a couple of books that you may know of already as you have therapy. I have read toxic parents and I have read some of divorcing a parent. Both are very good books.

"Toxic parents" by Susan Forward

"Divorcing a parent" by Beverely Engel

Divorcing a parent book is for adults who have toxic, abusive relationship with parents. It is available on Amazon. Has positive reviews. If you read the reviews you will read how others have struggled with similar situation as yourself and they said the book helped them to either come to a decision or be ok with the decision they made to cut ties.

From a personal standpoint. I can relate to the "going back for more"

There's DS group "family issues"
That has threads on cutting ties with family/parents.
I created one a long while back on divorcing parents. There were good posts in that thread.

You may find the discussions in there helpful. You might have to do a search. And you may have to wade through topics with a lot of upset people. Lol But you aren't alone with the guilt feeling. It's normal and understandable.
We as a society have been taught to respect, honor parents. We can say that religion may play a part in that too. Honor thy mother and father. It sticks in our brains and so if we go against that we get the message that it is "wrong". It becomes very confusing for those who have suffered abuse. I know I have been conflicted over things for years. It's tough.

I hope you remember all what you have been taught in therapy. You do what's best for you. Only you know. No one else knows.

Guilt, grief and even shame come with cutting out toxic fam for a lot of us. I finally shed my guilt a little over 2 years afo, and now if I cannot avoid, I at least keep my emotional distance. Not much to add but been there, done that, and oddly do not miss them at all.... but that took me a good few years, partly due to unique circumstances. Hang in there, we are here for you!

YeIs, I do understand those guilt feelings. I have cut ties with my parents. I have PTSD from my childhood and should have cut off ties years ago, but I kept feeling like maybe things would get better, but they never did.

It's hard to cut ties, but it's really harder to live through the pain of people continuing to hurt you. I wish you well.

My ex has truly toxic parents. She had such a hard time with it, always hoping things would get better, starting to believe they were when one parent or another was having a good day, and then being heart-broken when the old patterns started up again.

What freed her was the idea that they are her parents and she will continue to love them simply for that, but she does not like or respect the way they behave. It is, therefore, their decision on how much interaction they get with her based on their behavior. As of now, she has not spoken with her dad in 2 years because he completely lost that privilege, but her and her mom are building a little better relationship. Placing it back on their behavior showed my ex that it is not her decision, but theirs.

These ideas helped her. Thought I would throw them out there since you never know what will help.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Take care.

Thank you everyone for your support,your stories,thoughts and all.I have sent a text message telling them that for my mental and physical health i cannot talk to them.I am definitely going to try to read the books mentioned at some point.In bad flare now.Thx again and hugs to everyone