Bad week. Went on sick leave to get rest.

MD on Tuesday. Told him about my worsening fatigue and told him I don't know how much longer I can continue working. I requested to go from four days a week to three days a week after episodes at my job of elevated pulse and haywire blood sugars. Beta blockers prescribed but everything goes haywire only at work. MD suspected panic attacks. Asked me had anything irritated me. I wasn't irritated but now I am. Panic attacks are psychosomatic. Something mental triggers physical reactions. I know because I used to have them. I am calm under pressure thanks to understanding and daily meditating. So, no. Stop trying to give me something I don't have.

You would think a doctor would be supportive of his patients. My mom thinks I should switch doctors. Calls him a "well peoples" doctor. I have upcoming appts with my rheumatologist and an endocrinologist.

He says to me. "It's going to be hard for you to get disability because fibromyalgia symptoms are so subjective."

Then I got it. This is the "invisible" disease. I could be faking. I have been poked, prodded, biopsied, and x-rayed for the last two years for laughs and giggles. I have went to all these specialists because I have a strange fascination with waiting rooms. I have been pumped full of pills because I'm really after pain pills...even though I'm not on ANY pain pills. Matter of fact, I am loosing money cutting back my hours just to defraud the government later.

The nurse corners me out in the hallway and has the nerve to ask me am I sure this disease isn't all in my head. Even if it was, as long as it manifest physical symptoms of pain and fatigue who cares about the origin. My symptoms are just as real as a cancer patient or a burn victim.

But, the icing on the cake is my aunt calling me yesterday telling me to go on TommieCopper.com and purchase a pain sleeve for my pain. Ummm, unless Tommie has a copper bodysuit I can wear I would be wasting my money trying to relieve pain that moves all over my body.

They don't get it. Then I look defensive, lazy or insane. There is no famous person with fibromyalgia that they know about. Shame on me for not getting a really cool disease like MS or Lupus. Or sickle cell anemia or something that has a yearly telethon.

One of my friends has sarcoidosis. She always comparing diseases. She says her disease is worse because even though she's asymptomatic she could die any day and you can't die from fibromyalgia. I told her if you felt what I feel you would wish you were dead.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent before my daily meditation. On a brighter note, my closest family really do empathize with me and keep me going.

TGIF!!!