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Stressed

chronicliving
chronicliving

I moved from Virginia where my husband, friends, and entire life is to Arizona to take care of my mom who has secondary progressive Multiple Sclerosis. My dad is a total asshat who doesn't take care of her much and would rather spend his time at the dance studio. Before I moved back my mom was alone a lot. She's completely wheelchair bound, thankfully she can still transfer by herself(for now), but she's unable to cook for herself. She needs someone there to clean, do the laundry, cook, tale her shopping, and help out on her bad days. My dad was gone from 7-3/4 for work and would leave around 5 and be gone until 9pm for his dance class four to five days a week. He does uber on the weekends to pay for his little hobby which means my mom is alone. 


Side note, me and my husband moved to Virginia after my dad told me he was going to "f***ing kill me" and proceeded to run head first at a wall. The reason he started yelling at me? I was having a bad flare day (this is before I was diagnosed).


Basically, me being around him isn't good for my mental health, and my mental health impacts my physical health. I want to take care of my mom but it seems like she's taking care of me most of the time cause when I'm there I'm so stressed that it causes flare ups. It isn't fair to her to have to take care of me, but if I leave she will only have someone there 22 hours a week. 


I miss my husband and my friends. I've offered to take my mom on once my husband and I buy a house but she refuses. 


Around tax season my husband and I will have his car paid off and he will have another raise, meaning we can afford to buy a home. He can't move to Virginia due to being locked in a union contract for another 3 years, and honestly neither of us want to live there. Arizona has no seasons, no beach, and it's hot as hell(and the heat causes flare ups).


The situation is just so screwed up and it's making me physically sick.


AutumnSong
AutumnSong
My heart goes out to you. It is hard enough to take care of yourself without the added stress of your mom and dad. I took care of my mom for awhile before she passed away and it was so hard to do all that needed done. I would encourage you to find time to rest and relax between chores. I like to read so maybe that is something you could do. Read a chapter do a chore kind of thing. Is there any other siblings that could help you?
chronicliving
chronicliving
I have an older half brother and half sister. They help when they can but they both have lives and careers. It's less about the work I'm required to do but more about me having to be around my dad who stresses me out to a point that I feel physically exhausted. And I miss my life in Virginia. I miss my husband and my friends.
AngelaJo
AngelaJo
Sending hugs and prayers. I was my late husbands care giver he was quadleplegic and severe brain injuries etc after a severe accident he lived 19 months, When he first came home i had help only 2 hours a day. Make sure you look after you, it is hard to be a caregiver even when you love the person!
wvgirl82
wvgirl82
Are there any agencies in your area that could provide in-home healthcare for your mom? There are also Meals-On-Wheels agencies who could maybe provide lunch for her. Maybe you can look into agencies in your area who could provide help so you can get back to Virginia. When she gets worse, then maybe she will be more agreeable to moving in with you and your husband in Virginia. It's not good for you to be around someone who makes you physically ill. Take care.

Susan
chronicliving
chronicliving
I work as a caregiver for my mom, she only get 22 hours a week. I'm there 24/7 because as I said, my dad is rarely around. They don't count his hobby as him being gone, they only count his full time job. That's the whole issue here. Who would help her into bed in the middle of the night? Who would be there on the weekends? The government doesn't care one bit about people in these situations, they don't look at the whole picture. And when she gets worse they'll stop paying someone to be there and tell her to move into a nursing home.
BlueSky
BlueSky
Echoing Susan... have you called the Area Agency for Aging? You may be able to get in-home care to come out and help with some of these things.
Also tried talking to a social worker? She may qualify for assisted living. I had to put my mom in an assisted living place for a few years because I didn't have the right place to care for her and my brothers didn't know how to handle her either (tried it and it was a disaster).

Thinking of you and sending lots of support.
Shakota6
Shakota6
Wow, sounds rough. I would set a time limit on how long you'll stay there. After all, you have a husband and you don't want to leave him alone too long.
I would use the time to get Area on Aging appointments going, get her some more assistance. Most older people do not want to move out of their home, so maybe be okay with that. Sorry you have a Dad like that. Wow. I used to work as a nurse in dialysis and you see a lot of men (and women, too) just kind of ditch the chronically ill person and carry on. A lot of extra-curricular activities outside the home (and some are, well, if you know what I mean).
Please focus on your needs. They are as important as your Mom's. There is a wonderful nurse who originated a theory of taking care of the family, not just the individual. Sounds like your Dad is taking care of himself. So, you can focus on your Mom and yourself. Best to you.
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