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Brace yourselves, this is probably going to be long. I think I have posted on here a handful of times about my boyfriend not always being particularly caring or empathetic with the fibro situation and in general...well over the past few months things have been getting progressively worse. About half the time he was normal, seemingly happy and caring; the other half he was agitated, angry and resentful. He is bipolar but this seems to go above and beyond just bipolar disorder. We had a big fight on Christmas eve, I was stressed about the holidays (which were especially difficult this year because we moved twice in 3 months, including breaking my lease, so I was broke) and had just come down with the flu. I texted him saying I was pretty much at my breaking point and his response was "lol that's nothing new". Yes I have anxiety and I can go sort of crazy over small things, but still. So after that things were ok for a few weeks until Tuesday, he was texting me about a trip we've been trying to plan, but we've been stuck finding places to go we can afford. He was looking into like 15 day trips, not including travel time, and I reminded him that I get 2 weeks of vacation per year and I can't take that much time off. He got mad, said he gives up and he is sick of compromising and adhering to my schedule, and made a comment about how we could do a better trip if I could afford it. I reminded him that the reason I can't afford it is because I spent $6000 on the second move while he bought a gun. He basically said that I should have asked him for help (I did tell him how much I was spending and that I was anxious about how expensive it was, and even without me saying it I feel like he should have just helped without being asked), and that maybe we should go our separate ways. I agreed. Since this was all taking place over text while I was at work, I texted him when I got home asking if that was really what he wanted to do-he replied that he didn't care and I should ask him later. He didn't come home Tuesday so on Wednesday I got home and asked him what he wants to do and he said he didn't know. So I told him I was done, I just can't do it anymore.
Since then he has been very emotional, which I totally did not expect given that he's threatened to leave on several occasions and has said some really unkind things. But he wanted me to share the bed with him, cuddle and talk about things...I tried but I couldn't do it, it made me feel really guilty. The next morning he asked if maybe I should think about this for a couple of days, and I said this is not going to be solved in a few days. Then if I would reconsider in a few months. I said I won't make predictions because I have no way of knowing how I'll feel then. We had established that he would move out and I will keep the cats. Since then every time I'm home he has asked if I wanted to talk, or what put the idea in my head, etc. I am hurt and felt like I was suffocating with him here and asking me all this, and he is constantly saying how ashamed he feels for being such an ass. Finally yesterday since his reaction was so surprising I asked him if he ever meant it when he threatened to leave and he said no and he just said those things to hurt me, which he now feels horrible about (I asked the same questions for a few other things he said and got the same answer). At that point I told him I need to stop this conversation because it's getting too painful, then I asked him when he was planning to move in with his dad because I was having a really hard time with him being here, and offered to stay with my parents for a few days if need be. He ended up leaving about 20 minutes later but he will be back to pick up his stuff. While he was leaving he said that we still have more to talk about....I'm not sure what exactly this means but honestly it makes me nervous because I'm not going to change my mind and I think he's hoping I will. I am going to leave a note with his stuff (he said he will be coming to get some of it tomorrow) saying that I can't talk about this yet, and to please not drag out the process of getting his stuff, and to leave his key behind when he's done.
I'm not sure what exactly I planned to accomplish writing this, other than maybe venting and getting it out. I apologize for the length, believe it or not I left a lot of less important details out.
Since then he has been very emotional, which I totally did not expect given that he's threatened to leave on several occasions and has said some really unkind things. But he wanted me to share the bed with him, cuddle and talk about things...I tried but I couldn't do it, it made me feel really guilty. The next morning he asked if maybe I should think about this for a couple of days, and I said this is not going to be solved in a few days. Then if I would reconsider in a few months. I said I won't make predictions because I have no way of knowing how I'll feel then. We had established that he would move out and I will keep the cats. Since then every time I'm home he has asked if I wanted to talk, or what put the idea in my head, etc. I am hurt and felt like I was suffocating with him here and asking me all this, and he is constantly saying how ashamed he feels for being such an ass. Finally yesterday since his reaction was so surprising I asked him if he ever meant it when he threatened to leave and he said no and he just said those things to hurt me, which he now feels horrible about (I asked the same questions for a few other things he said and got the same answer). At that point I told him I need to stop this conversation because it's getting too painful, then I asked him when he was planning to move in with his dad because I was having a really hard time with him being here, and offered to stay with my parents for a few days if need be. He ended up leaving about 20 minutes later but he will be back to pick up his stuff. While he was leaving he said that we still have more to talk about....I'm not sure what exactly this means but honestly it makes me nervous because I'm not going to change my mind and I think he's hoping I will. I am going to leave a note with his stuff (he said he will be coming to get some of it tomorrow) saying that I can't talk about this yet, and to please not drag out the process of getting his stuff, and to leave his key behind when he's done.
I'm not sure what exactly I planned to accomplish writing this, other than maybe venting and getting it out. I apologize for the length, believe it or not I left a lot of less important details out.
His saying "...if you just did ___ it would have helped..." is a complete failure to take any responsibility. My ex said, on a regular basis, that if I just didn't do ____ he wouldn't (choke me until I couldn't breathe, etc etc etc). Yep - it was totally my fault that he abused me - in his mind.
WE know you're not having an easy time moving on - his saying that to you is just another mindf**k attempt. One of the most memorable things said to me was "You're just going to use sex to get another man." What does that even mean? That sex was the only thing he thought I had to offer? An obvious attempt to keep my self-esteem low. The "weapons" that an emotional abuser will use are endless - whatever they see as a weak point, they will try to exploit.
I wish we could actually be there for you - but at least we can be here. It's obvious a lot of us have had experience with abuse, either physical, emotional, or both. You're getting a lot of good feedback, and it's obvious you're ready to take control. No it's not easy, but as NanaGlo said, it's a fabulous feeling. I spent a lot of my life thinking I couldn't be alone - but in the end, coming home to a place that was mine, where I answered to no one, watched TV or not, eat what I wanted, or not at all, went to bed and got up on my schedule, and took care of myself, was a fabulous feeling, after three years of living with an abusive control freak.
You can do this - and I can truly tell by your words that you're ready. Stay strong - and keep talking.