Even though leaving may worsen your fibro for awhile, exerting some control over your illness is a really good thing.

The only way I avoid flare-ups is planning my activities with my limits in mind. So, you might make a reasonable time-table for your exit. Give yourself plenty of breather space. Make a detailed list of what you need to do and when and watch your other activites so that you don't do too much.

Take care of yourself like you would a best friend.

Thank you Shakota6, that was very well said. I try very hard to pace myself as to not wear myself out. I wouldn't trade going to the Women's conference knowing I would be exhausted when I got home. I just didn't plan on the arguments. He normally gives me a day to rest before he starts in but not this time. I will rest up and get a plan in place.

The fact you said "he normally gives me a day to rest before he starts in" tells me 2 things.
1. That's a pattern. If he is willing to consider couples therapy, then it's worth the try (done that twice).
2. Separated and it was awful, and brought on my first SuperFlare---but it was that or lose my sanity. I had friends and family who were supportive, however.

Be organized, go slow and steady, and if you can, start salting away the Escape Fund---enough to support you and daughter for 6 months at bare minimum (food, rent, utilities, cheapest possible cell phones, etc.)... But please, even if he agrees to get help? Keep an escape plan.

Hubby and I have had 3 verrry bad patches in 22 years, and one of those was a separation lasting over 6 months, but it's al about *both* parties working to build this amazing thing called a *marriage* that is not about winning, losing, controlling, etc., but is a safe structured place of love that is larger than the individuals within it.

Luck and hgus.

LeoX3, thank you for your response. I really want my marriage to work but it can't be at the expense of my health. Three years ago I told him I was done with our marriage, I was strong and feeling like I was ready for the battle. Problem is he wouldn't leave me alone. He started suffocating, missing work to stay home with me, he wouldn't let me go anywhere without him. We went to couples counseling 3 times and he reacted well to criticism and correction. I know its not just him, it takes two but I have no energy to fight and argue over little things or worry about what kind of mood he will come home in. He did change a bit so I stuck it through but I see it coming all back. I just don't know if he can change. I am thinking if I could have some space to work on myself than I could handle putting up boundaries and sticking to them. We will be married 18 years this month, I don't want to throw it away..

The best way to do it is not spur of the moment when you're fighting and mad. Make a realistic plan. When you have a plan it helps with some of the stress. Or..kick HIM out, why should you have to leave?

Yeah, thing is that if they change "a bit" but even that doesn't stick? They are throwing a Band-Aid on the problem, not really addressing it, in my experience. Changing *just* enough to stop the spouse from.... leaving, arguing, whatever it is, basically stopping the spouse from making *their* lives less comfy somehow, whether physically or psychologically. Which is why Hubby and I have had 3 verrrrry bad patches. The stuff from our first round didn't stick with either of us; then we separated, and I stuck with it but he was erratic, and it took a good year or so to get himt or ealize it was *really* put in his share of the effort or start paying alimaony; and two years ago? His mid-life crisis started, and with that, it got bumpy.

I love my husband dearly, and he's amazing in many ways, but boy, do I remember the early years --- we had the bulk of our issues then--- and I wouldn't relive them for a million bucks. Staying aware that we're partners and that we each also have to be on top of our individual issues and work on them as they arise? Sounds like a ton of work. Funny thing is people do it all th time---just not always taking their spouses into account, if they have one---soooo....

If he want to really look at what's toxic in his behavior and why it's like that, etc.? Give it a try---but like I said, keep the escape plan. Sad as it is to admit, I always have one in my "emergency kit". Doubt I'll ever use it, but having that financial cushion and knowing what I'll do, etc.? It actually helps me feel like I'm not as helpless as I sometimes think I am. If that makes sense? You know how it is with FM and so on.

Also, the fact I put a plan in place and kept it in place after the Big Separation umpteen years ago? Reallllly got Hubby to realize that I wasn't making some idle threat. That it was All In or All Out, no games. I still remember crying as I told him, "I love you so much but the way you act hurts so bad I don't know what else to do," and that light bulb finally went on.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack, got emotional there. Hard times. Hard measures. Hard work. Hard memories....

Gentle support,
Leo

Make a plan - get money together - do not use it to threaten him - just make the plans and know what, where, and how.

In the meantime, if he's willing to try counseling again, it's probably worth it to feel you've done all you can before you walk away.

Having said that, counseling is a big investment emotionally and a lot of people aren't willing to make it - especially if they don't really feel a need to change.

You need to understand and accept that some of his behavior isn't just controlling, it's abusive. The fact that it's not physical doesn't make it any less so. Emotional abuse is actually harder both to break free of, and to heal from, but I'm living proof that both can be done.

As for the flares after, that would be the least of my worries. Constant stress is very hard on both mind and body, and removing yourself from that situation, while it may be more stressful in the beginning, should be the start of peace and a different way of life.

Living like that was actually the final trigger for my fibro symptoms - that's how unhealthy it is.

I'll add---I did not threaten my hubby---he worked where we did our banking and someone at his job mentioned I'd come in and done XYZ. (I set up an account at a different bank and also got a cash stash together.)

Sorry if I came off that way, you know how it is. It seems clear in your head and htren your fingers translate it. Eep.


Keep us posted, okay?

My marriage has lasted 32 years. We're good friends, and he's supportive, yet he doesn't get the enormity of my condition, like being to tired to project my voice. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As another poster mentioned, counseling might be good because after 18 years, on the event you separate, the counseling will support both of you and, maybe, I don't know, would that ameliorate the inevitable flares? And to work on creating an individual life for yourself, like putting money aside.

Personally, I dislike being in flux very much. I find this exhausting.

Please keep us posted.

White Dolphin, you are right about not getting mad and having a plan. The last time, we separated for a short time, I was bitter and angry. I don't want to be bitter, it is as much my issue as it is his for staying in the relationship.
Leox3, I am thrilled you two were able to save your marriage. I don't want to disregard that my husband is all bad. He has a very caring side to him but I almost feel like he likes me to be ill and somewhat helpless. He takes good care of me when I am completely down. He cooks, cleans and does the laundry. He allows me to get the rest I need. I know I am not a joy to live with, I am not the person he married and I feel if I could just get the "fight" back instead of going into the "flight" mode I wouldn't get sick as often. Quite honestly, I was in the fight mode most of our marriage until 2007 when all hell broke loose with finances, my boys graduating (empty nest), bankruptcy, loosing my home and many other items. My home was the hardest to loose. After that I became very sick and lost the fight. I did have blessings throughout that time, I no longer work and I am on disability but at the time I felt it was a curse because I loved my job.
PeaceN2you, I worry about the flare-ups because I literally have not ounce of energy and when I flare up I am pretty much bedridden and my husband plays a huge guilt trip on me and I fall for it. But I know I can't live like this forever.
Spacepony, I agree, counseling is worth every penny. My fear is, the temporary change and how slow I was to realize the moodiness was back or maybe had never left. It took my 13 year old daughter to tell in August, mom, how can you ever feel better when dad walks all over you. My daughter is shy and doesn't share her opinion much so this was a huge eye opener. I am currently in counseling to work on my self confidence.
Thank you everyone!

Tchi, it's rare that anyone is "all bad"---but for what it's worth?---the stresses since 2007 are pretty epic, so hopefully counseling will help with the residue from all that--- emotional exhaustion---so... Just know we're all here to support you, whatever you do:-)

Aw, thanks Leo, that was so sweet. This has been the best support group and I really appreciate everyone!

It sure sounds like your hubby is at the least verbally abusing you. I suggest you check for a Rape and Abuse Crises Center in your area. They can give you advice and support. The constant stress will keep your fibro flared. It's better to deal with a difficult time for a short while and then have some peace in your life for you and your daughter. Know that you are not alone. I will be praying for you.