Fibromyalgia Support Group
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This post talks about sexual assault, in case anyone doesn't want to read about that.
So I was texting a friend earlier about the guy I've gone out with a few times and he was asking me how I feel about the guy. I said I feel oddly detached, probably because I'm hesitant to get close to someone after my ex, and also nervous because we've kissed and soon I'll have to figure out how to deal with what comes next. My friend knows all about my ex and how that relationship led to anxiety about sex, and I was saying I don't really know how to explain that to someone I'm not close to. I mentioned how a therapist I went to with my ex said that I shouldn't really feel this way since it's not like I was raped. My friend said that I actually was sexually assaulted because I was "guilted and manipulated into doing things that you wouldn't have consented to except under duress ". What happened is this: I had 9 months of stomach pain (sometimes severe enough that I almost went to the er), I was bloated enough that I looked pregnant and half the time felt like I was going to shit myself. Least sexy feeling ever. Sex was his "only form of stress relief " and he was an ass if he didn't get it. Stomping around the house, sending me hostile texts when we weren't together, threatening to break up if I didn't figure this out, and asking if I was happy now when I broke down crying because my anxiety was through the roof. I couldn't have sex with him without crying or sometimes having a legitimate panic attack. And once I eliminated gluten and the stomach issues were under control, my fibro symptoms started. So I basically lived with that situation for like 2 years. Sometimes he would act supportive after but it was always short lived. Sex basically bought me maybe a couple hours without having to walk on eggshells around him, and I even used to jump when my phone vibrated because of the texts he would send. So I guess my question is, to those of you who read this far, was this actually sexual assault? I never thought of it that way but now I'm not sure..
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Welcome to the Perseid meteor showers, the "biggies" usually every year. (The Leonids beat 'em one year IMHO).AND today much of the northern hemisphere will see 5 to 99% solar eclipse. How cool is that? Your best bet is to be in the UK or norhtern Spain, where totality is excellent before sundown. Me, I'll get a super duper tiny itty bitty slice of it, so little that it won't be noticeable. New...
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... observed a solar eclipse.
No. Man. Has. A. Right. To. A. Woman's. Body. Period.
Even on a relationship. Sex isn't a right, and it should never, ever be demanded. Many people want sex in a relationship, but a relationship is two people wanting to devote parts of their time and lives to each other. A relationship is not a contract that means he now has the right to your body.
A man is allowed needs, and it's fine to make it a point of conversation in a relationship. Something to work on - to improve it together. Non-compatible sex drives can be a reason to split up. Like any part or being together, sex should be navigated with awareness and the knowledge both are happy.
That this person believed he could be mad at you for not wanting sex is disgusting. And pressuring people into sex is very abusive.
And I agree that it is absolutely not your fault. I would also love to have a private talk with whatever hack counsellor said you shouldn't experience fallout from prolonged periods of associating sex with dread and discomfort. Since when is only rape abusive sexual behaviour? *cracks knuckles*
It's absolutely not your fault. Many, many people out there have expectations and misplaced privilege about what they think an adult relationship is. It can be easy to devolve into unhealthy patterns in a relationship if the one we want to love and trust turns out only to think of themselves.
I hope your doing okay. Tough realizations. You deserve better. You deserve respect. You deserve someone that wants sex to be something both want and enjoy. You deserve someone that thinks about you, too.
Good luck with everything, and if you're still seeing the hack counsellor, maybe consider firing that *bleep* unless they're great in other areas. All the best and support to you.
You need to see a counselor. You need to find out why you felt you had to stay with that jerk and work to repair those problems. Look in your area for a Rape Crisis and/or Domestic Violence Center in your area. t They have counselors that are trained to deal with situations like the one you were in. You can also look for Sliding Scale and Free Mental Health Clinics in your area.
And there also are a lot of idiotic counselors out there.
All terrific feedback in these replies.
I have one suggestion. Discuss sex before you have it. In your case I think it's imperative that you become involved only with a man you can talk to about anything--in other words, a friend. You should be close enough that you can tell him about your anxiety. If he reacts negatively, then so be it. Good riddance. If he has empathy about your anxiety, that will bring you closer. You should NOT try to hide this anymore. Sex is NOT an obligation with a timetable. You have been through enough trauma. Anyone would be phobic in your shoes. Be good to yourself.