I know how you feel. I made the hard decision to stop working. In my case, I don't have the option of filing for government disability because I am a teacher. I did take out disability insurance, so I have that for 2 years. After that, I have to decide to either go back to work or file for disability retirement through our retirement system. I hate not working, and the burden it's placing on my family, with my medical bills and reduced income. I am debating going back to work now, and giving up my disability insurance. It's a difficult situation. I don't have any easy answers for you because I don't have them for myself. But I know the struggle. All I can do, all you can do, is make the best financial plan possible, clear up as much debt as possible before you make the leap and find ways to cut expenses so it's less painful. It helps, also, if you have family support. I don't. My husband would rather I were working and even though we got rid of all our debt before I left work (14.000!) he has managed to rerack quite a bit of it. We could manage if he hadn't done that.

Mommyx6, you're in the right place. This is where we do exactly this - talk it through and try to make things a bit less scary. I understand how talking about something makes it more "real" feeling when it feels like silence somehow is keeping things at bay - but if you're talking about it, you already know silent isn't really changing anything - it's only putting off dealing with it.

I still work full-time so I understand some of what you're going through. I have a demanding job although it thankfully is mentally demanding and not physically so. Some days I think if one more person asks me a question or needs anything from me, I'm just going to scream and run out the door, but like you, my family needs my income. Without it we "exist" - which is not the same as "living." With it we can actually deal with life's emergencies without them pushing us over the edge, stress-wise or financially, and if there aren't too many emergencies, we can actually have some fun once in a while. I also talk myself through it - I get up in the morning and think to myself (and sometimes say out loud) "four more days - three more days - two more days...") and finally it's Friday and I'm so bloody grateful that tomorrow is the weekend that I can't even express it.

You are NOT sick because you "claim" it. Forgive my frankness but that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. We aren't sick because we "think" about it or talk about it. We're sick because we have a medical condition. It isn't something that was "done" to us, or that we're doing to ourselves. Sometimes, often, things are just random. I know there are people who have to believe otherwise, but the facts don't change because we don't like them, and the fact is that sometimes life just happens. What we DO need to stop "claiming" is that guilt - that responsibility that people try to put on us. We didn't do this to ourselves. It just happened.

I have had people tell me that I should apply for disability. You obviously have a good understanding of the process as you expressed in your plan - I can't afford to go without income for three years, and most people don't have any understanding that it takes that long. My father applied for disability when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He worked as long as he was physically able, but eventually had to stop. His first check (with back pay) came the day after the funeral. Because he was gone, the check had to be returned. My stepmother lost her house and everything they worked together so hard for. People don't get that it's a very long process and most of us just can't go without any income for that long.

Have you ever heard of Flylady? Look at www.flylady.net and see if it's helpful to you. It's a system of cleaning in small steps, and a lot of people with chronic illness find it helpful. We can, as they say, "eat an elephant in small bites." What seems overwhelming is less so if we break it down into small steps.

Your plan sounds like a sound one - if you can just hang in until after Christmas. It's October - not much longer - hopefully you can do this. You've worked so long and gotten this close - hopefully you can hang in until then.

Don't beat yourself up over living paycheck to paycheck - I really thought at some point in my life I'd have gotten away from that, but life doesn't always cooperate with our plans. Life happens and sometimes we just have to roll with it.

Is there anything else your doctor is willing to prescribe to help with the pain and fatigue, There are people here who hopefully will have some good suggestions for you, but our first line of defense is usually a doctor who is willing to help us manage our condition. Whether than means pain meds, something to provide a bit more energy and alertness, or something else, depends on our particular symptoms, but the important thing is having a doctor who will listen and work with you to get your symptoms managed so you can continue to live your life.

I don't know if any of my rambling has been helpful - but I do hope you get a lot of support and helpful suggestions.

I echo Peace. I have no full-time job or part-time other than what I can earn here and there doing a bit of this and that over my computer----but I still have to pep-talk myself through the day (hour, minute, etc.)....

As for the whole idea that you're somehow making it worse by "dwelling" on it or something---yeah, that is BS BS BS. I got super-offended when my psych therapist told me not to "think about" my PTSD all day. Well, does he think I sit here and meditate on it 24/7? No. I come here, I read, I try to do things that get me forward in my therapy and in my life.... I about wanted to smack him!

As for the road ahead? If you can get treatment that works to alleviate symptoms, it's not that bleak. The struggle is working out that treatment, and we all go through it (more than once, sometimes).

Keep pushing your doc to hep you, and refer you. Normal labs can mean nothing---bodies malfunction while "healthy" all the time (I have epilepsy so I know that for a fact).

And keep letting us know how it's going. Just venting it out and feeling like it's "out" is huge for me, I know:-)

Hugs,
Leo

PS I was dx'd 18 years ago. Still trucking. Dunno if that helps, but I did find a treatment plan that kept me super-low-symptom for many years, and so have others. It's not hopeless.

I would talk to your doctor next time you see him and explain the situation you are going through sometimes the dr will help you get disability if he feels that you are at a point that you can not do this anymore. I have heard of this happening, Hang in there and feel better hugs to you fibrowitch

I really understand. I feel like I am so worn down trying to do everything. I really just do the best I can. Maybe you can think about doing something else after the Holidays? Wishing you energy and peace.

I am thankful that I am able to still work. I find it takes my mind off the pain, even when I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I am on injection 3 of my new RX's, HCG and B12, and find they have given me less overall pain and more energy already. I hope this will provide even more relief later.

What I find is to be as organized as I can (thanks to flylady.net like Peace posted above) :). I quit flylady as I found her site too cluttered! lol I make simple, easy meals, do cleaning as I go, enlist help from the family, and take lots of breaks. I started with doing a complete overhaul on my life...cleaned and decluttered entire house, went on more organic foods, homemade cooking and recipes, vitamins, etc. (need to do another sweep soon! lol).

I have to have my date book handy, and use my Iphone for a 2nd alarm and reminders. It's the only way I can keep track of everything. In the past, had a white board by the door with the current date, family stuff and appts.

I start making and writing out my christmas cards in October (homemade scrapbook kind). We also draw names on Thanksgiving, so then I am able to get the gifts for the family long before Christmas. I like to be relaxed and enjoy the season, not be so stressed out, I can't. Last year, Christmas was at our house....never again!!!! lol

Anyway, I'm kinda rambling, here and not really answering your questions, but just know we all struggle with the same issues and what plan works for one, might not for another. Do what you feel is best for your treatment. (((((hugs))))

In reading your first post, let me just say, I am so so sorry you are having to go through so much difficulty. Having fibro in and of itself is difficult and a part time job to manage it.

I do have fibro and cfids. I was tested using Dr. Teitelbaum's blood work testing protocol. At the time, I could barely lift my head off the table to go to an appointment. 3 years later, I am walking the dog 1/2 mile and working my strength up. Don't get me wrong, there are days that I still can't lift my head, but they are not all the time now. My point is, there definitely is hope. I had a doctor prescribe Nuvigil when my energy was so low. BUT SEE your doc. I shouldn't make a drug recommendation because i am not a doctor, I can only tell you what I have done and it did help. I also started eating better and taking care of the deficiencies on my blood test. Doctors, will only run basic CBC labs and, I think, do not know what to look for. It was a blessing I found another doctor that specialized in this because I found out I had Thyroid and Adrenal problems as well. It's been a step by step process, but I feel like I have slayed a few dragons that used to be a problem.

I want to ask, why is your Doctor prescribing a beta-blocker? Do you have a heart problem? I do, but I went to a Cardiologist that ran an EKG, Echocardiogram, and finally a catherization to find my exact problem. Then I was prescribed medicine. My family doctor referred me. I also have a high resting heart rate that I am trying to manage because it causes me Angina. I've found over this year that anxiety has played a big role. So, recently I told my Internist about it and she prescribed an anti anxiety medication that wasn't addictive or long acting, just when I need it. I have also used chinese herbs. I am also starting to use "mindful meditation". The nurse @ the Cardiac Rehab facility told me that if you stop what you're doing, do breathing exercises for 3 minutes, you will "reset" your body.

BUT AGAIN, please don't go running to your doc to ask for my medications, just tell them what is going on and ask them to dig deeper. If your doc doesn't, you might want to look for someone else. I'm sure the others have a good rec. on this.

Also, I know that feeling of anxiety when you look around the house and think, OMG, How am I ever going to get all these things done? I was lucky enough to have some extra money to hire a low cost maid to help me when I need it. But, can your mom, partner (if you have one) or other family member help you? I asked for help last year. I said to my mom, "I need your support right now" and she did show up.

I will say a prayer for you that you get help and some relief from both the physical ailments and the difficulty in dealing with this illness. JP

I sincerely have to say that my heart goes out to you. I very easily could have written what you just did ten years ago. It does sound like you have a reasonable plan and expectations in place for the future, but I sooo understand how that can seem so far away when your body is screaming for some kind of help or relief. I think you've already gotten some wonderful advice(I'm looking up flylady for me...thanks Peace and Carrie), so I can only suggest a few things that have helped me. The biggest hurdle for me was to give myself permission to do something, anything, just for ME. Whether it was to take a bath with candles and my favorite music playing( 2 birds 1 stone, lol) or a quiet walk or just time uninterrupted in my room, meditating or not. Any one of those things helped me to feel that my life was not so far ahead of me that I couldn't catch up and that I was still in control. Many times, just that small amount of time helped me to regroup and prioritize what i needed to do and accept what i couldnt do, which isn't easy but necessary, and that time really did help me. It also helped to find a way to keep distracting pain at a minimum. Hopefully you can find a good pain management clinic because I would be dishonest if I said that didn't make a difference. it made a huge difference for me for a very long time although, for me personally, I've found herbal medication that seems to be working well. So hoping you've found something helpful here and just know you're not alone. Gentle Hugs!