Right now i am in tears from pain in my back it wont stop spasming, heats doing nothing i took my robaxin, motrin 800 and oxycodone, praying they help! My dr was so mad that my neurologist has done nothing new for years now and didnt even do a new MRI this year its been almost 3 years. She said i need a new back MRI each year no matter what, my neurologist told me why bother im too over weight for surgery. My dr had a few words for that. She said at least let a neuro surgeron see me and make the decision and how can i lose the weight in this kind of pain, i was almost in tears in her office she could tell! My pain is putting up my blood pressure and heart rate too which is not good! My weights going down at least off the zyprexa. So she ordered the MRI now to wait for approval and for mom to be able to take me to the open MRI 3 dang hours away. My dr said they need to do SOMETHING more to control my pain! Obviously what they have been doing for years does NOT work!!!!!!!!!! This isnt even the fibro were talking about! Thats hurting too its snowing out as well! But omg my back i cant take it! My back for those that dont know is bone on bone in spots and i have lumbar radiulopalthy, severe arhtritis, buldged discs, etc i had a car accidnet in november of 2002 when iw as 18. so 15 years ago now wow........ And still nothings been done..........

My therapist could tell im really struggling she said i know you are when your using the DBT line you never do that unless its just to check in or give a good update. I am having more panic attacks etc. She wants me to take my klonopin as soon as i get up instead of waiting till i REALLY need it bad. Just to get thru the holidays. I needed that therapy so bad today. She gave me homework (its papers to read to help you use skillst o get thru holidays) and will see me again on weds, i could of taken the week off but she perfered i come in and i did too. My therapist said i need to validate my own feelings, that yes its been 5 years since my husband died but i need to realize that pain is real and i never dealt with it, she said she knows of noone taht even after 5 years would not struggle around the holidays and she said you lost 4 babies dont let anyone tell you well they werent real because you didnt hold them or that you shoudlnt feel the way you do (mom does this) they were in your belly you heart their heart beats. She makes a lot of sense. Its so hard and i miss my angel babies so bad!

I am curled up in my parents spare room(here till tuesday now) with my dog on the bed with me crying in pain................. I cant stand this!!!!!!!!!!!!!