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bluesun 07/14/2009

i needed to vent and also ask some questions here....

he's mad at me again and acts like I started it and I was the asshole.

last night i was channel hoping as usual and came across "The Bachelorette"..... usually i don't like chick flicks or shows like that.... BUT for some reason lately i have been tuning in to some of their shows. and last night they were at the island of MAUI. since i haven't been to the other islands yet, i was curious to see what would be shown.

Matthew came up stairs and notices me watching the show and immediately starts making fun of me saying that "only ditsy teenagers watch that show" and then i said "no... Elaine watches it and she's 61". guess what he said that was sooo condescending?! he says "ok, but she's crazy and has bipolar!" which of course now this spawns one of our STUPID arguments that we have! and since MY MOM is bipolar and LIVES with us, i was HUGELY OFFENDED by this comment.

i told him exactly THAT as my voice started to get louder.... and he says with a calm half smirk on his face "there's no need to get all upset and angry when we could talk about this and settle it in a calm manner." if this happened to you, wouldn't YOU get UPSET??!

and i told him about how he "discounts" everyone i ever mention when we have a disagreement or how he claims that my points/opinions are "irrational" or "have no bases" and that it's wrong for him to do that! and that "right now i have every damn reason to be pissed" at him! he denies doing it as usual and continues to tell me that my point has no basis.

ANYWAYS.... he slept down on the couch, instead of the guest room? *shrugs*...whatever.

this morning he packs a back pack and leaves. to where i have no idea. he gave me some attitude when i asked him and then called me an asshole.

i'm not crazy for being upset, right? and i WAS RATIONAL, right? i just had to ask you all since most of you know how SHORT TEMPERED we can be (having this crap). are we more sensitive to issues do you think? or would any right minded person be pissed about a comments like that?

Wonderbaby 07/14/2009

Hey Blue,

I'm not a fighter and I married a non fighter. (whew)
But there are times I get upset. And I know I blow things out of the water.
Thankfully the hubster knows when this happens and will just hug me. As that is what calms me.

The bottom line here is that he's reacting to being caught. Caught making a dumb remark. Whether he meant it like is sounded or if it slipped out (as men are great for not thinking before they speak).

So, yes, hun, you have the right to be pissed. Your sweetie needs to own up to his remark. And either explain and apologize for it. Or defend it. Obviously, he's defending his remark by getting away.

I'll say this much. When my hubby frustrates me (he did it this past weekend) and I started in with the "why are You (of all people) doing this to me??? (he had to come in and 'redo' what I just did which caused me a lot of pain)...he walked away. Which ticked me off more. I'd much rather hear him say....I'm a dumb ass, so leave me alone. But that doesn't roll off his lips very well....so I called him back.

Our fights consist of someone getting upset, but we are talkers. LOL, we have "discussions".

I hate it when they walk away. Just leaving the fight up in the air. Do they really think leaving resolves it?

If there are any men answering to this post, please explain why you leave!

PeaceN2You 07/14/2009

I usually have a pretty long fuse as far as my temper is concerned, but I don't have a lot of patience for "making fun" of anyone over anything. I think it's demeaning and hurtful. I find a lot of people who can't manage to say something straight out will use humor and "kidding around" to say words they can't find a way to say otherwise.

I don't know Matthew so I'm not even going to try to figure out his motivation, but it sounds like the two of you have some pretty big communication issues to sort out. It's not OK to talk to someone you say you love like that - and I would have been, if not pissed, at least very hurt.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope he comes back and that you can talk it through in a way that he will understand and take to heart. My ex used to discount my ideas, my opinions, and my friends, and yeah when it's been done over and over definitely it's a button pusher for me.

You might want consider counseling. Sometimes with this kind of thing a third party is more credible than a partner. A counselor would listen to both of you and help you both to see how you're pushing each other's buttons by the words you use. I'm not saying you're at fault - I've definitely had that kind of argument with my ex, but good communication is a two-way street so you'd both need to be open to finding new ways to talk about things you don't agree on.

Good luck - I know you love him and want to make it work - but there have to be some lines that are not to be crossed in order for love to survive.

deleted_user 07/14/2009

Does he pack his bag alot? I have bipolar and i dont understand his meaning i act my age.I understand you were defending your mom, but just doesnt seem worth it to me if he does this to you often. Maybe he really needs to read up on it ,i understand if you dont take your meds it is a bad problem, but has he ever seem that?
My temper isnt really that short im sad cause i hurt. Its really no ones fault and i really hope i dont take it out on the ones i love. Although im sure i have!!!!! This is not fun. I hope he comes home to you soon,if thats the way you want to be treated. I think it was very mean to walk out on you. VERY MEAN!!!! And childish.

deleted_user 07/14/2009

i bet your husband watches the Simpsons. try 2 catch him at it. seriously, a gentleman should NEVER call his lady names of any kind. verbal abuse is never OK

bluesun 07/14/2009

thanks so much wonder and Peace!

i did try to get us counseling last year for the same problem (which he claimed last night is the 1st time i brought it to his attn). i told him that i've had problems with this for years and have told him about it over and over... and that a counselor would HELP. but he refused and said we can solve it n our own.....as if that's working *rolls eyes*.

i would for sure go to one but you can't get relationship counseling if only ONE goes... lol. defeats the purpose. i'll try again asking him when he decides to come back. he'll probably be gone all day just rolling it around in his head what he said or i said... usually he'll come back with an excuse for his remarks or apologize. so we'll see....

thanks for the support. i really needed it.... i'm still upset

deleted_user 07/14/2009

Most people tell me I'm very even tempered and calm but if you push my buttons I come out fighting. I guess there is a reason I never married and don't have a live in. He wouldn't be sleeping on the couch he'd be out the door that night. To put it mildly I've been disrespected by my dad and one of brothers, I don't take that from anyone anymore.

deleted_user 07/14/2009

i am sure you are short tempered ,but who wouldnt be with pain all the time .my husband is very good about leaving me alone .my ex daughter in law was bipolar ,sometimes she would out of the blue just go nuts .my heart goes out to you .dont ever let him beat on you.hugs

deleted_user 07/14/2009

I would be as upset as you are now. What an inconsiderate, disprespectful excuse for a man. There are also people in my life that have the bi polar condition and i am disgusted by his comments.

I am so thankful that my other half is nothing like this man. Huni there are men out there who do understand what we go through and will be supportive when we need and want it. I hate to say this but maybe you would be better off without this person in your life? Message me anytime and add me as a friend.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

deleted_user 07/14/2009

You shouldn't have even bothered with trying to defend yourself. There's nothing to defend. You can watch any damned thing you want on tv. I would have just dismissed him with a laugh.

It's not rational or fair to push someone's buttons and then suggest they're being irrational. I say he was looking for an excuse to go do something you probably wouldn't "let" him do. (This means something the confines of your relationship doesn't allow - like ditching you to go drinking with friends or whatever he does.)

Men can have issues about being wrong. They've been taught from the womb that they're superior and get all rooster when challenged by a mere woman - except lately there's been a gradual transition towards raising the worth of women - though you can't get away from all that hormonal stuff.

So, he left because you were watching a certain tv program? That's remarkably shallow. But, you know him best. Could it be he didn't want to fight anymore?

You're intelligent and you stand up for yourself. Is it possible you are a relentless argue-er and he was overwhelmed? (cause you were right)

You'll work it out. It's what we do.

deleted_user 07/14/2009

Unduki has a good point is it possible he started the fight so he would have a reason to leave the house without telling you what he was doing.

deleted_user 07/14/2009

Tell him that I am 51 years young, and watch "The Bachelorette" and other reality shows. I also am not married but I have done a lot of arguing with my parents etc. When my parents have an argument, it takes my dad a few minutes to cool down and he comes back with some flowers etc.a gift to apologize.

noreenb 07/14/2009

i would have definitely been upset! i care for a 21yr.old young woman with downs syndrome(doesn't speak but sometimes goes thru spells of very loud noises-screams?)and also have my husbands aunt living with us(she is agoraphobic,anxiety disorder and every once in awhile talks to somebody?)and anyone that visits knows to be respectful. i can't allow anyone to make jokes around them and don't like to hear about it in private because i think it's cruel. it has happened(not my husband-i like him!)and each time it was hurtful because i care about these women and they are not resonsible for their disabilities. not to say that i don't get frustrated,just that i have to live with what i say and saying something mean or cruel is something i wouldn't want to live with.you have every right to be upset and to set boundaries in the relationship that include what is and isn't acceptable, especially when it concerns your mother. i think you were very rational and don't understand why he would not realize that what he said was wrong. i would stick to your guns to avoid this in future-only speaking from own experience. good luck-you're the good guy here! gentle hugs,noreen

deleted_user 07/14/2009

I don't know your situation, but abuse doesn't have to be physical. Sometimes the mental and emotional abuse is worse and it starts out being very sutle by making you doubt yourself and having you think it's your fault. I hope this isn't what is going on.

Hugs

redsilverfox 07/14/2009

Me too, There is No excuse for abuse, (including emtional, physical and spiritual,) etc., including picking on ya and your friends and relatives Shame, shame, shame, on him and he better apologize! MEN! Love them or leave them. Aaaargh!

PeaceN2You 07/14/2009

I've lived with some master manipulators and I didn't even think of that but they have a point - could be this whole thing was a setup for him to get out and do whatever it is he's out doing.

My crazy ex - the only who is actually diagnosed crazy - not the ordinary crazy LOL - he used to do stuff like come in and say "I don't understand why you watch that show so I can no longer allow it" and then threaten to put a brick through the TV screen when I complained, as I was "using it against him."

Now THAT pissed me off. Reading about this is making me remember something about myself - all those years ago when that was going on, and he'd do that stuff. my default response was "fuck you!"

So...maybe losing your temper is absolutely normal with that sort of provocation...or maybe I'm crazy...

OK this is my lame attempt to bring some levity to the issue, for now, while there's absolutely nothing else that can be done until he decides to come home.

But the story about my crazy ex is true - honestly said I was using the TV against him. I have pictures in my mind of him now all these years later probably in some dingy basement with his head wrapped in tin foil. I can hope can't I?

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