Fibromyalgia Support Group
You're not alone in your pain. Fibromyalgia is a condition that can be difficult to diagnose and manage. If you're trying to cope with pain throughout your body, sleep problems, general fatigue, or other common fibromyalgia symptoms, you're in the right place. The community is here for you to talk about therapies and share your challenges.
I hesitated all week about posting this, as it seems a little strange, but...
Just to be clear, I will start by saying, that even though it took a while when I first got sick (he was just sometimes really impatient, other times sympathetic), now he is VERY supportive and caring. I truly am blessed in him. So...
DH and I had a spat early this week - his primary issue with me at the time was that I don't complain enough lol. I think he should be careful what he wishes for.
Usually when he asks me how I'm doing, I'll say it's a normal morning/day/evening for me, or I'll say something general about being in pain. Sometimes I just say I'm fine. I do think that when I have an area that's bothering me particularly I will say something about just that.
So, what he said to me is that when he asks me how I'm feeling he wants me to itemize where all my pain is and how severe. I feel like when he asks me, I don't want to go down the whole list of 8-12 things that are hurting! I think he would get tired of hearing me complain all the time - so while I don't pretend for him as much as I do for others that I feel ok, I also don't want to be walking around with my pain face on and constantly be complaining. I think that would be tiresome, and I am keenly aware of the 75% divorce rate when one partner suffers from chronic pain/illness.
So, then he says that sometimes he'll ask how I'm "doing" then it's okay for me to give my standard responses, but sometimes he'll ask me how I'm "FEELING" and he wants a detailed answer. At first I said ok, that's fine, and I tried it for a couple days. But then, I start thinking, does that mean he only cares SOMETIMES how I'm really doing? lmao. He just can't win.
So, I'm wondering if any of you would we willing to share your thoughts, and what has worked for you? What's the best way to communicate exactly what's going on (he really wants to understand what I'm experiencing) without being a downer all the time?
Thanks in advance!
Just to be clear, I will start by saying, that even though it took a while when I first got sick (he was just sometimes really impatient, other times sympathetic), now he is VERY supportive and caring. I truly am blessed in him. So...
DH and I had a spat early this week - his primary issue with me at the time was that I don't complain enough lol. I think he should be careful what he wishes for.
Usually when he asks me how I'm doing, I'll say it's a normal morning/day/evening for me, or I'll say something general about being in pain. Sometimes I just say I'm fine. I do think that when I have an area that's bothering me particularly I will say something about just that.
So, what he said to me is that when he asks me how I'm feeling he wants me to itemize where all my pain is and how severe. I feel like when he asks me, I don't want to go down the whole list of 8-12 things that are hurting! I think he would get tired of hearing me complain all the time - so while I don't pretend for him as much as I do for others that I feel ok, I also don't want to be walking around with my pain face on and constantly be complaining. I think that would be tiresome, and I am keenly aware of the 75% divorce rate when one partner suffers from chronic pain/illness.
So, then he says that sometimes he'll ask how I'm "doing" then it's okay for me to give my standard responses, but sometimes he'll ask me how I'm "FEELING" and he wants a detailed answer. At first I said ok, that's fine, and I tried it for a couple days. But then, I start thinking, does that mean he only cares SOMETIMES how I'm really doing? lmao. He just can't win.
So, I'm wondering if any of you would we willing to share your thoughts, and what has worked for you? What's the best way to communicate exactly what's going on (he really wants to understand what I'm experiencing) without being a downer all the time?
Thanks in advance!
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My cat is going on trial for crimes against skink-anity. SIX in six weeks. Three this last week alone.The crack is maybe 1/4 inche wide. Maybe. Skink skitters past, her paw shoots out, her claw hooks in, she yanks, and somehow, having defied physics... WHAM. Skink-o-rama.Now, don't get me wrong, it's nice that she's a pesticidal maniac, but OMG. Skinks do no harm. They don't come inside. WTF.So,...
Most of the time I'm busy trying NOT to itemize every ache and pain, as it gets in the way of living my life.
PeaceN2You - That's exactly how I feel! I try to just push through my day, or if I'm sitting because of pain I try to keep myself distracted with crocheting or scrapbooking or puzzles or... I never want to think of it close enough to itemize, except at my monthly Dr appointment.
I've actually explained that to him in the past, but now he's coming back saying that it bothers him... so I'm trying to figure out the best way to satisfy us both!
If I managed to get a lot done inspite of it "I tell him, I conquered it today"
If they pain was tolerable or a good day....I tell him " I had an awesome day"
If something is unusual that day I might describe the odd ailment
If the pain sucked, I just tell him "today it kicked by butt"
So standard quick answers that describe it in a nut shell. For a while I described itto him but yes it gets tedious. So now he knows what my one line answer means.
It just makes it easier for both of us, we acknowledge it but it does not consume our conversation
My husband is very supportive also but he has his own chronic pain. I am very sorry to say he drives me nuts with all of his complaining and his "sounds" that let the world know he is uncomfortable. So I have tried to go to the opposite way and try not to complain at all or make noises. And when he asks me how I am doing I am very minimal about my answer. Maika has a great way to communicate her days without complaining. I may try that out. All this to say I totally know what you are going through. Have a "kick butt" day.
slk
This is how I did it when my FM was in its early days until my DH figured it out for himself by actually PAYING ATTENTION. (Wow, what a thought!)
I got three sheets of construction paper: Green, Yellow and Red.
Whichever one I stuck to th efridge, that's my day re: apin/FM. Green: not too bad; Yellow was I'm hurting; Red was Kill Me Now, I wanna Die.
It was easy, he was always going to notice it b/c it was on the fridge, and it was a "system" that didn't get too detailed for either of us.
I'm with Peace, however. Now, I just tell DH when he needs to know b/c I can't do something etc. Otherwise, he assumes there is some level of pain and we go on with life accordingly.
Good luck and smiles,
Leo
He never gives me a hard time but his idea of helping is going out to eat and an occasional trip to the store.
I like that Maika can be verbally informative in a matter of fact way that in no way appears as if she is seeking pity or complaining. It is more detached,, almost like a weather report.
The only issue w/ green/yellow/red frig cards is when the red one is posted. Then on top of feeling horrid one would be expected to explain how horrid or what intervention is called for.
It seems to me the best way for a partner to be supportive is for them to clearly understand what they can do when it's a "kick my butt" fibro day.
...Also maybe the whole 'pacing' theory applies to support as well. If a partner can intermittently help with appreciated things on an ongoing basis, it might help one not have code red days as often. Just a thought.
It does seem like a silly thing to even worry about, but then I think that how we communicate with our loved ones regarding our pain can really have an impact on our relationships. And I'm with Slk, I think it would get really annoying to live with someone who complains and makes too many sounds - though I totally get why someone in pain would do those things!
lalaB: I feel you about the housework help! DH actually does a LOT of the things that I used to do, but our home looks nothing like what it did when I was taking care of it! We are trying to buy a house right now (should happen - or not- this week) and I think that once we are moved I am going to try to find someone to trade services with to have someone come in and clean thoroughly every couple weeks. If we move I will be moving my nail salon into my home, so it shouldn't be hard to find a cleaning lady who likes a good pedicure!