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After having a pleasant weekend and a 'sweet sunday' I'm now having a Blue Monday and just needed to vent a little. Also an update following on from my post about emigrating 2 weeks ago.
This Fibro thing is driving me crazy, but sometimes I worry my thoughts or feelings are making it worse and Im imagining how bad it is, but just checking in here reminds me that my pain and symptoms are real.
I woke up this morning feeling extremely fatigued, slightly feverish and completely out of it mentally (Fibro-fog). It doesn't help that the weather has suddenly become cold, grey and wintery here, and I miss my home comforts (big, comfy bed, supportive armchair, and a microwave to warm my wheat pack). Then my ex-husband called me on Skype and the day went from bad to worse..
Basically he is saying that he wants me to pay the (very high) rent costs if he agrees to take care of our 16yr old daughter back in NZ, and when I tried to explain that I don't actually have an income as yet, but will pay what I can, he started yelling and abusing me. He said some really nasty things about how I just needed to get a full time job in a call centre or something (like thats possible in a country where I barely speak the language) and a bunch of other completely inappropriate pieces of advice, when he has no idea about my life or personal circumstances. I didn't even mention the Fibro or how unwell Ive been lately as that would be sure to say something extrmemely nasty and hurtful. I just needed to protect myself.
Now I remember why we stopped speaking to each other a few years ago, why none of my family and friends will speak to him, and why our daughter refused to even visit him for a long time (he has a bad anger problem and can be an abusive bully at times). Only problem is, my lovely daughter has no option but to live with her father, she is staying with my sister at the moment but is supposed to be moving in with her dad once he moves out of his partners house (another of his broken relationships).
Sorry for all the detail but now I feel even more guilty about leaving my daughter in this position and now my health has got worse Im beginning to lose hope of being able to work enough hours here to support both myself and send money back to support her.
I do have some part time teaching hours coming up next month (what I have spent the last few years training to do) but it will be another 2 months before I get paid, then I will have a HUGE health insurance bill.. Right now I just feel overwhelmed and dispirited about how hard it is to move to another country on my own and try to make a completely new life, while struggling with Fibo and menopause. Some days it takes all my energy just to get out of bed, shower, make meals and do housework, let alone try and set up as a self employed language teacher and market myself to clients, prepare lessons, etc.
Stupid me for being so positive and optimistic I might be able to work around 20 hours a week ... stupid me for believing I might get a contract somewhere and wouldnt have to pay all my own health insurance ...
At some point soon I will have to make a tough decision: to either hang on here and tough it out, while eating through my savings and feeling pathetic because Im not doing enough to look for work, or else 'give in' and go back to NZ where I can claim disability allowance (not much, but something to live on), take care of my daughter - but also feel a failure that I couldn't 'make it work' here...sigh..either way I feel like Im caught between a rock and a hard place.
Sorry this was so long - I just needed to talk to people who would understand - right now I feel alone and confused and I have an awfully big decision to make...
This Fibro thing is driving me crazy, but sometimes I worry my thoughts or feelings are making it worse and Im imagining how bad it is, but just checking in here reminds me that my pain and symptoms are real.
I woke up this morning feeling extremely fatigued, slightly feverish and completely out of it mentally (Fibro-fog). It doesn't help that the weather has suddenly become cold, grey and wintery here, and I miss my home comforts (big, comfy bed, supportive armchair, and a microwave to warm my wheat pack). Then my ex-husband called me on Skype and the day went from bad to worse..
Basically he is saying that he wants me to pay the (very high) rent costs if he agrees to take care of our 16yr old daughter back in NZ, and when I tried to explain that I don't actually have an income as yet, but will pay what I can, he started yelling and abusing me. He said some really nasty things about how I just needed to get a full time job in a call centre or something (like thats possible in a country where I barely speak the language) and a bunch of other completely inappropriate pieces of advice, when he has no idea about my life or personal circumstances. I didn't even mention the Fibro or how unwell Ive been lately as that would be sure to say something extrmemely nasty and hurtful. I just needed to protect myself.
Now I remember why we stopped speaking to each other a few years ago, why none of my family and friends will speak to him, and why our daughter refused to even visit him for a long time (he has a bad anger problem and can be an abusive bully at times). Only problem is, my lovely daughter has no option but to live with her father, she is staying with my sister at the moment but is supposed to be moving in with her dad once he moves out of his partners house (another of his broken relationships).
Sorry for all the detail but now I feel even more guilty about leaving my daughter in this position and now my health has got worse Im beginning to lose hope of being able to work enough hours here to support both myself and send money back to support her.
I do have some part time teaching hours coming up next month (what I have spent the last few years training to do) but it will be another 2 months before I get paid, then I will have a HUGE health insurance bill.. Right now I just feel overwhelmed and dispirited about how hard it is to move to another country on my own and try to make a completely new life, while struggling with Fibo and menopause. Some days it takes all my energy just to get out of bed, shower, make meals and do housework, let alone try and set up as a self employed language teacher and market myself to clients, prepare lessons, etc.
Stupid me for being so positive and optimistic I might be able to work around 20 hours a week ... stupid me for believing I might get a contract somewhere and wouldnt have to pay all my own health insurance ...
At some point soon I will have to make a tough decision: to either hang on here and tough it out, while eating through my savings and feeling pathetic because Im not doing enough to look for work, or else 'give in' and go back to NZ where I can claim disability allowance (not much, but something to live on), take care of my daughter - but also feel a failure that I couldn't 'make it work' here...sigh..either way I feel like Im caught between a rock and a hard place.
Sorry this was so long - I just needed to talk to people who would understand - right now I feel alone and confused and I have an awfully big decision to make...
I hope things work out for you - you had a good plan and maybe it will just take a little longer than you though, if you have the resources to hang in and keep working toward your goals.
I deliberated all day about posting, but really felt like I was on a downward spiral and needed to reach out for some support.
KatieAngel, you are right, my ex husband is bartering with my daughters care and I have no words to respond with when he does that. Its astonishing to say the least.
The history was that when I was offered this situation here in Germany, my daughter did not want to move back here (we lived here for half a year in 2010) so close to her school exams and she struggles with doing her schooling in German.
At this point her father agreed that she could move in with him and his partner, she already had a bedroom there and used to stay with him for weekends up until 2011.
They had not been seeing each other for the past two years because of his anger issues, but he said he wanted to rebuild their relationship and be a father to her again (don't ask what happened: long story!)
About 4 weeks before I was due to fly out (after we had sold everything and given up the lease on our apartment) my ex suddenly announced to my daughter that he could not afford to have her living with him - he had leased her room to a boarder and needed the rent.
At this point I ended up in hospital with a suspected heart attack- i was already so stressed with my final Uni exams and the huge effort of selling up on a deadline. It turned out to be a massive anxiety attack (I am still getting bouts of scary palpitations and chest pain)
I seriously thought about canceling at this stage, but by then it was too late, I had already spent thousands on the move, sold everything and couldn't get my money back. My lovely daughter said 'mum, please don't cancel - I know how hard you have worked towards this and I want you to follow your dream'. Also, a part of me was determined not to let this man ruin my life any further ( believe me, there have been years of dramas and unsupportive behaviour from this man, but I always live in hope he might change and grow up one day)
My sister and brother in law stepped in and offered my daughter a room, but this was only on a temporary basis (they also live a long way out of town and from my daughters school, so its been exhausting with all the traveling). My ex has maintained that when he and his partner separate he can find a new place for her, but now he is sending me excel spreadsheets of every possible expense he can think of plus the rent of an inner city apartment in an expensive area - expecting me to pay for it!
He wants me to sign a document saying I will agree to half of these costs no matter what. Ive never come across anything like it.
I might mention here that I parented alone for years with little or no support from him and had to pay my own rent and bills. He always had the excuse that his business wasn't doing well (he is a web designer) and he couldn't pay. Well now its the other way around: my business is only just getting going, I have a health condition and he will just have to grow up and be parent for once. I think all this worry and unknown stuff is just adding to the big fibro flare Im having - if only I felt well I could be more sure of earning a living here and not having to give up my dream. Thanks for being there - you guys are wonderful!