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I recently found out that my husband of 20 years (been together 32 years) had an affair last summer. My girls found texts where he and this woman were texting back and forth while we were on a family vacation ! I am to livid to cry. I gave this woman's child a place to live when they had nowhere to go! Our kids are 11 and 13 year old girls and they are very upset about this as they were the ones who found the notes! He tells me that he has always loved me and always will but has not apologized to me or the girls. He said he had an epiphany on vacation that he needed to change his life, however his mom had a major stroke while we were on vacation and he started working away from home when we returned so my thought is he didn't have time to continue the affair and knew I would stick by him to help with his mom. I informed him I will no longer help with his mom. I have been used in the worst kind of way by him and this woman both. He wants to minimize the damage but yet he hasn't apologized to the kids. I told him if he wanted to start over then he needed to buy me a new wedding ring set and we should renew our vowels in front of the kids. I know they won't get over this easy as they never thought their dad was like that but maybe if we do this they won't feel so threatened if he makes that commitment. This time he has to have a band to wear too as he has never had one. Also, he has 6 months to complete our house that we have lived in 20 years unfinished! Do my ideas make any sense or is my fibro fog getting in the way? I think if he means it he will do these things and if he doesn't we are done. My fibro is killing me right now and I would love to beat him and her to a pulp but I know it's not worth it. My girls are more important. So, any thoughts or advice? Counseling is out of the question as he is only home on Sunday.
I agree he owes apologies, at minimum, to your children. Not to be all armchair analyst, but kids turn into their parents.... or marry them. So you might ask your spouse if the example he wants for his girls is that men who cheat are "okay" and that men who break their trust are never to own up or experience consequences. Girls may not always marry someone like their dads, but it is still a real possibility that if he never apologizes or amends, they will think somehow that is acceptable, and end up with... well, not good.
My BFF used that tactic to finally get her cheating soonto beex to apologize to their son.
otherwise, my only practical advice is... counseling for you and your girls, even if short term to help you out, and ,eanwhile, big big hugs....
Leo
Try counseling. If he is will Inge to go to that, then your marriage is worth saving in his eyes.
Good luck and take care.
I do agree that you two cant move forward until he accepts responsibility for his actions and apologizes. I also feel that he was using you to help out with his mother. Taking care of an ill parent is a lot of work and responsibility. I would hold off on renewing the vows at least for a while. Just so you have the time to completely absorb the situation and you can assess whether or not his actions prove him to be 100% fully committed to the relationship.
I too am having some marriage issues, and if you want to vent or rant or cuss him out with out cussing him out, You are more than welcome to message me.
Take care and good luck.