Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My older sister Sarah recently came to my house for a visit. She brought her 2 kids, a boy who's 3 and a girl who's 1 1/2. She got wasted by herself in my yard because I didn't want to drink. She wanted to stay the night but I was afraid bcuz she wasn't helping me and my bf with her kids and my house is not baby proofed and there was no safe place for them to sleep.
She used to be a mean ass drunk, she's hit me with plates and pans and bit me and robbed my xmas presents for dope $ before but she has been sober since she had her son. She was crying and wasted, and bringing up bad drama from the past and I got fed up and told her I wanted to take her home, she flipped out and said she would take the bus home.
Now, I live 35 miles from her house and it was 10:30PM, the buses weren't gna get her all the way home. We all walked outside and my BF and me were each holding a kid and begging Sarah to get in the car and let us drive her home. She was still calling everyone names and causing a scene. We were about to put them in the seats and my BF was saying, " please let me drive you home so I know you're safe, you don't even have to go with June" and she was yelling at him and saying gimme my son we're going home and he was just trying to get her in the car he wasn't even trying to keep her kid from her and she grabs him by the throat and starts screaming in his face.
The only thing that stopped me from killing her was her 2 babies crying and screaming, so we let them go and as she was walking away she says, " just cause you can't have your own kids doesn't mean you can have mine". Which is awful because I lost our 1st baby to a cord accident at 9 months and had a miscarriage after, then found out I have fertility issues.
Now she has twisted it to say that my BF was trying to kidnap her kids and that I got her drunk on purpose just so I could make her look stupid. She won't apologize w/o adding, "but it was your BF's fault" and IDK if I can 4give her for what she said and for even TOUCHING my BF who has been the only person in my life who never hit me or treated me badly.
The bottom line is that I love my sister, it's been years since she pulled this stuff and I want to be around her kids who I love dearly and I thought me and her were becoming friends, but what she said hurt me bad and her choking my BF was way over the line. I was ready to forgive her but she still won't apologize and I can't deal w/ stuff like this anymore. Should I just forgive and forget or demand an apology and show her that she can't continue this behavior?
She used to be a mean ass drunk, she's hit me with plates and pans and bit me and robbed my xmas presents for dope $ before but she has been sober since she had her son. She was crying and wasted, and bringing up bad drama from the past and I got fed up and told her I wanted to take her home, she flipped out and said she would take the bus home.
Now, I live 35 miles from her house and it was 10:30PM, the buses weren't gna get her all the way home. We all walked outside and my BF and me were each holding a kid and begging Sarah to get in the car and let us drive her home. She was still calling everyone names and causing a scene. We were about to put them in the seats and my BF was saying, " please let me drive you home so I know you're safe, you don't even have to go with June" and she was yelling at him and saying gimme my son we're going home and he was just trying to get her in the car he wasn't even trying to keep her kid from her and she grabs him by the throat and starts screaming in his face.
The only thing that stopped me from killing her was her 2 babies crying and screaming, so we let them go and as she was walking away she says, " just cause you can't have your own kids doesn't mean you can have mine". Which is awful because I lost our 1st baby to a cord accident at 9 months and had a miscarriage after, then found out I have fertility issues.
Now she has twisted it to say that my BF was trying to kidnap her kids and that I got her drunk on purpose just so I could make her look stupid. She won't apologize w/o adding, "but it was your BF's fault" and IDK if I can 4give her for what she said and for even TOUCHING my BF who has been the only person in my life who never hit me or treated me badly.
The bottom line is that I love my sister, it's been years since she pulled this stuff and I want to be around her kids who I love dearly and I thought me and her were becoming friends, but what she said hurt me bad and her choking my BF was way over the line. I was ready to forgive her but she still won't apologize and I can't deal w/ stuff like this anymore. Should I just forgive and forget or demand an apology and show her that she can't continue this behavior?
Will you consider going to Al-Anon to learn the tools so you won't be sucked into the drama. If you can afford therapy, then all the better.
Forgiveness is for your sake, so bitterness won't overpower you. Reconciliation is the connection we seek to continue in a relationship: you and she are a long way from reconciliation. She is not capable of having a healthy relationship. She's sick and needs professional help. Remember, you didn't cause it so you can't control it or cure it. She's the only one who can enter herself into recovery and for many alcoholics, it usually takes consequences to begin the process of saving her life--and the well-being of the children.
What your sister did is horrible and I don't see why you should have to forgive her if you don't want to. If you do, do it because it gives YOU a sense of peace. She obviously is not in a good space right now.
I also feel that she is endangering her children. The fact that she was accusing you of trying to take them means even she knows in her drunken stupor that what she's doing is wrong.
I also think that you need to distance yourself from her. The fact that she's abusive and most of your past relationships have been that way means that you need support in dealing with toxic people. Please don't take that as a criticism. I've been there, too.
Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what it is right away. I wish the best for you, your bf, those kids and your sister.
To many confuse "forgive and forget" with real forgiveness which is healing for the injured party's spirit. It does nothing to change the relationship or fix problems. It heals YOU!
One can forgive another person who has died.
Forgive her to rid yourself of the poisons that anger and vengeful feelings can create inside you and destroy your spirit.
Remember so that she never gets the upper hand again.
Only God can truly forget. he gave us memory so we can stay safe.
It really sounds like a seriously dangerous situation you describe here. Your sister could have claimed abuse or threat of kidnapping on your BF. The things she said were twisted!
She at least owes you apology.
She owes you facing reality. As long as she claims your BF was trying to kidnap, there should be no contact at all.
She is setting you and BF up for serious troubles. People can take all sorts of lies into court. It will cost you a fortune to defend yourself.
Limits and boundaries need to be established.
If she continues to drink, then she should not be allowed to come to your home.
She needs to leave before that first drink.
You may have to be willing to call the police to have her removed.
Sister, your Father wants you to forgive. We all know this is not easy, in fact, it can be very difficult. The Enemy is jubilant when you do not forgive. But our hearts must be obedient to our beloved Father, first and foremost, above all else. We must overcome Satan's temptation to remain unforgiving.
However, forgiveness and the requirement to forgive are not necessarily what we have been led to believe they are by others who are either misinformed or trying to deceive us. In the Bible, we are told to forgive as the Lord forgave us.(Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32) The Lord forgives us when we repent. (Ezekiel 33:10-20, Isaiah 55:6-7, Jeremiah 6:16-30 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19) He does NOT forgive those who are 'stiff-necked' , refuse to repent, and intend to continue in their sinful ways, and he does not expect us to, either. By forgiving unremorseful evildoers, we are depriving them of the opportunity to repent and transform their lives.
In Luke 17:3, Jesus tells us very clearly that we are to forgive someone who sins against us IF he repents. God does not want us to continue to be abused, in fact, we are told to shun evildoers ( Some examples are Psalm 37:9, Psalm 119:115, Matthew 18:17, Titus 3:10-11, 1 Corinthians 5:1-5. See the article "No Forgiveness For The Unrepentant" under this heading on the left menu for more). But if there is true repentance (see Helpful Definitions), the Lord does want us to forgive.
SEE site below for more:
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466805
In this situation, you should have called the cops on her. Think about it. If it had been a complete stranger with two children ages 0-3, drunkoff their behinds, yelling n making a raucous at 1030 at night to ppl trying to help, would you not call the cops? I'm surprised your neighbors didn't call!
Cops would've came, arrested her, asked if you want to press charges, which you could deny if you want, she'd spend the night in jail sobering up n reflecting, n be released the next morning or the next weekday. Kids could've stayed with you for that night, or you could've dropped them with your mom or their dad.
Getting drunk was her own fault unless the drinks were spiked. But if they weren't, you're not her keeper.
As for the comment, necessary? No. Hurtful? Yes. She was drunk but that doesn't make what she said okay.
There's also the quote, "Hate the sin; love the sinner." Don't know where in the Bible, though... : )
There's no reason why you can't still love your sister, but say that she's NOT welcome in your house if she drinks and mistreats you or those you love.
You said she hasn't done this in a while... to you. But I bet this is a regular occurrence with her. Make no mistake- this is an alcoholic. I'd look into Alanon for support in how to handle her. That is, if you decide to let her back into your life. After her hurtful comments, I'd not blame you if you gave her a SERIOUS time out and explain to her why.
Also, as many have said here, forgiveness if for YOUR benefit, not hers. To forgive means you are not angry at the person or the circumstances anymore. It doesn't mean what the person did was ok. And it doesn't mean you have to forget...in many cases you HAVE to remember what happened so you can protect yourself in the future. So remember, forgiveness means you help YOURSELF by not being angry anymore about the situation.
I am so sorry for what you are going through here. You are a loving person. Your sister needs a lot of help. But mainly try to get her children into a safe place.
I wish you well.