Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Okay where to begin... First I am almost 30, married with two kids. My parents are going through a not so nice separation after 45 years of marriage. My dad lost his job and can't find one and instead of pulling the family together he decided to leave and live with his brother in FL. So the family divided. My oldest brother sided with my dad and my middle brother and I sided with my mom. To help out, my husband and I moved into a summer home my family has owned for the past 8 years. This was only a temp solution while my mom and dad either worked things out or prepared to sell the home. Well, it seems the entire "selling" idea was put on the back burning while my husband and I went slowly through our savings. Almost 16 months later we can't stay here anymore because now we have twins, the commute killed one of our cars- transmission went so we had to get a new car and physically the drive is so bad because it is over 2 hours one way for us. I told my mom at the end of November beginning of December we were moving out by the end of January. Well, my mom has done nothing. Instead she laces into me about how I am picking myself, the hosue will go into forclosure and I am being selfish. She puts this entire situation back on me.Meanwhile, my middle brother is living with my mom to help her stay in her house but has also put in an offer on a home for himself. My mom is all about him buying this home even though she then won't be able to afford to stay in the home she has lived in for 45 years. So me and my actions= bad... brother buying a home and leaving her high and dry= okay. I can't win with her. I have never lived up to her standards even though I turn myself inside out for her. She ignores everything I have done for her and if I bring up one thing then I am throwing it in her face. However it is alright for my brothers to mention every other word their "contributions". I am just about to crack. I can't talk to my husband because he doesn't like my mom or my family and how they treat me so he just kind of "uh huh"s me to death. I feel like I am just about to snap and go crazy. I don't know where to turn. Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading all this.
i'm not sure i understand the situation. sorry. bare with me...
your mom n dad separated...dad moved to FL. your mom n your brother live in your mom's house. you n your little family live in the family's summer house. living at the summer house has drained you n your husband's funds...n when you talked to your mom about it, she turns it around on you n says that you moving out of that house is a selfish move on your part. your brother has planned to buy a whole separate house...meaning that your mom's house will...?
be sold to help pay for the house HE wants? or will your mom continue to live in that house alone? are these properties paid off?
my husband n i are going through something similar with his grandfather's house...but that would be extremely confusing as there are many parties involved...so i'm just trying to get an accurate picture of your situation...
**congrats on the twins, btw!
i forgot to ask about your parents' situation. i mean, you said your dad won't give your mom any money for the houses...that's why you n your brother took over the two. so...your dad doesn't care what happens to the properties? who are the properties under? mom, dad, or both? because if they're to sell the house your mom n bro are living in, they would need your dad's consent in order to do so. or i'm sure someone is gonna be taking the other person to court for possession of the house...or to be bought out, etc.
as for you n your husband. have you talked to your mom about buying the house from her/dad/them? if you have, try coming to some sort of agreement about the past mortgage payments you n your husband have been making.
from what you say, your mom doesn't sound too sane....i don't understand what she's feeling....or even thinking. she should appreciate you n your husband for sticking it out in there n understand that you n your husband shouldn't be suffering on her benefit. she should realize that you guys have a family of your own that you need to support n focus on. the stress you n your husband should be the stresses of parenthood n the relationship between you n him...not stressing about a house you guys are trying to save for MOM.
Tell her you are available for hugs!
Sorry, that is hardly mature or appropriate advice, but it made me very angry when I read this. I can't belive a mother would make her child feel guilty over her own problems; furthermore, I think she should be showing an enormous amount of gratitude for the sacrifices you have made even if the end result is that she loses the summer house anyway. For that matter, she doesn't have to lose it if she would make two cents worth of effort to rent it out. Surely something could be arranged but in any event, none of this is your problem and you did all you could to help her in difficult times. If I were your mother, I would have cut my losses right away and sold this place so that you two didn't have to take on a 2-hour commute and bills that caused you to over-extend yourselves financially.
You did say in your post two slightly opposing statements. First, I read that you have never lived up to her standards no matter how you were willing to turn yourself inside out for her, but in your follow-up post you said that the two of you used to get along and be extremely close. Are these both somehow true? It just seems to me that it's either one or the other, and if it is the case that nothing you have ever done has been satisfactory to her than you should never have sided with her (or taken sides at all) and shouldered all this responsibility. I hope I don't sound judgemental. If it reads that way, I do apoligize. I feel badly for your situation, but my ultimate advice is to quit trying to help where your help is not appreciated, and is actually putting the hurt on your family of your own. I hope she is able to realize how selfish she is being. Maybe you should put your feelings into an email and send them to her. Atleast that way she won't be able to immediately defend herself to you and fight with you; she might actually have to ponder what you have to say.
Good luck sweetie, Take care of you and yours and let your mother figure it out. She is a big girl.